We got into an argument because he was frustrated that we were late to a concert. However, I was getting ready before him and was ready to go before him and felt like it was unfair to be blamed. I voiced this and he said he said I could’ve helped him look for the keys, etc. so I got upset that he got frustrated with me in something that I felt like I was actively rushing for. On the way there, we were still upset with each other so I tried to talk to him by explaining my thoughts and he basically told me to shut up. and at the venue, we didn’t talk to each other. We get back home and he asked me if I wanted to talk and I said not really because our “talks” always end in a heated argument and I was already tired from trying to voice my position. So he backed me into a corner and started asking me why I made a potentially fun night into a disaster. I argued back saying that i felt like it wasn’t fair that he got upset at me for being late when it was his fault. And also that it’s always based on his terms when we can talk when I wanted to talk before the concert. He “apologized” in an insincere and condescending way that felt like he was just apologizing so we wouldn’t argue, but not genuinely apologetic. I said that and shoved him slightly cause I was backed into a corner and couldn’t get out. I was also sobbing and yelling cause I felt like I wasn’t being heard and his apologies were not genuine. Then he pushed me back a lot stronger and grabbed my phone. I tried to get my phone back but then he kicked me onto the bed, really forcefully as well. Hes shoved me and pushed me before, and said it was cause he doesn’t like to be yelled at and that’s the only way to stop it. I’ve forgive him and he said he wouldn’t use force on me if I didn’t yell at him. I know I’m at some fault for provoking him, but I’m really not sure if he deserves more chances.
He’s overall a very nice guy that’s sensitive, but it’s hard for him to be empathetic and patient.
In need of thoughts, ideas, opinions to how I should move forward and go about this. Should I learn how to act more calmly in a heated argument? Is there no turning back? Do you think using force is justified for me being argumentative?
11 comments
Yeah, he sounds like a ‘very nice guy’.
Tell him bye. You already know force is never the way. Conflicts can and should be solved calmly and respectfully. You’re not at fault here. Partners should never lay hands on each other regardless of how angry or upset they are.
He is not a nice guy and doesn’t deserve more chances. He acts like a nice guy so no one will believe you when you say he physically abuses you (which he does).
Nice men don’t shove and kick women.
Get out and away from him asap!
You’re being [abused](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). It’s hard for him to be empathetic and patient because he doesn’t care to be these things. He only cares about himself. He does not care about you or he would never abuse you.
Your shove was self-defense (backing someone into corner is yet another symptom of abuse). His was just abuse.
[Abuse only escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates). The only way to end it is to escape it.
[Cycle of abuse](https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/)
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/) your [escape](https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959)
[Break the trauma bond](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm)
[Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence r/emotionalabuse
“My boyfriend disrespects me and hits me, but he’s overall a nice guy, should I stay with him”
My boyfriend is great except he abuses me… that’s what’s happening. End it and stay safe. He will only escalate
My boyfriend kicked and shoved me. I don’t think he would ever punch me or choke though, should I stay and give him that opportunity??? I mean, it should be safe and smart to stay, right???? Look. GET OUT NOW. If you don’t leave, don’t come back on here boo hooing about how he did it again. It will happen again, and will escalate.
No. No, he’s not a really nice guy who’s sensitive. He’s a domestic abuser.
And no, you’re not at fault for provoking him. He’s a domestic abuser.
And finally, no, he does not deserve more chances. He’s a domestic abuser.
Get away from him, but do it safely. Please be careful.
Sorry this happened to you. I’m a male and so I figured I would give an opinion. You may take it or leave it.
I am assuming that you did not ask your close friends or family, my thoughts are because they would be 1. Horrified 2. Ask or advise you to leave him 3. Even if you stayed they would have a low opinion of him and still encourage you to leave him.
Obviously strangers can give opinions, but what you do is your choice. I suggest that you look at this as serious, 1 – you both argue, this is not uncommon or wrong in general but the way that anger is handled during arguments is something I’d be mindful of and think about. 2 – he blames you for something that is his own fault and then as someone 8yrs your senior behaves like a spoilt child. 3 – everything has to be on his terms. 4 – later he backs you into a corner, this is scary and probably as a means to intimidate or scare you. 5 – pushes you back and grabs your phone then kicks you forcefully. If the things that happened before don’t concern you, I’m worried that you are thinking that this could be justified.
Did you learn growing up and in school that it is ok for a man to beat, kick his wife, if she upsets him, or yells at him? Did you witness your father doing this to your mother? I do not know or understand why you are asking this question but I want to tell you that violence should be stepped away from not run into. A man should NEVER hit or kick his partner or use physical violence against her. There is no normal situation even an argument that can provide justification for this, the fact that he is saying this is because of what you did that he needed to scare and physically assault you gives me a very strong impression that he will continue to assault you. This is your first time? If so I would suggest you give him no opportunity to do this again and you break up and get away from him. I would never trust a man like this with my sister or daughter because it nearly ALWAYS gets worse. You posted on Reddit, please go and read other similar Reddit posts and replies and you will see it full of people who have been through this and they kept believing it was not going to happen again but it kept getting worse. You’re young, find someone who will not beat you. Work on your own way of handling arguments but do not ever think you are the cause of the assault.
Good luck