So I (34F) have been seeing this guy (34M) for about four months. I’ve had a lot of relationship anxiety about it while getting to know him, but he has always been kind and respectful, and I’m super into him.
I saw him the other night and had a really good time. The next day, yesterday, I was thinking about it and realized we’d come up on a boundary that I needed to share with him. I texted him asking if I could call after work, he said he was meeting up with a friend right around that time, but he’d have a moment to talk.
I made sure to lead by saying that I had a great time with him as always and that I wasn’t upset, I just needed to share, and told him about my experience of what happened and what I needed in the future to feel comfortable. I told him that I’ve been in situations where I haven’t been able to share that, and that this was me making sure that wasn’t the case, and he was understanding of that. He thanked me for telling him, said he’d had no idea, said he was feeling bad and uncomfortable, and that he needed to go because his friend was waiting, and that he’d process what I’d told him later.
He has really low self-esteem, and I’m worried he’s taking it really hard. Establishing boundaries is essential to a good relationship and I want to have a good relationship with him. This is the first time we’ve had this kind of talk, and I thanked him for being someone I can share with. I don’t know when he’ll be ready to talk about it, if it will be today or tomorrow or next week, and I don’t know what he’ll say. I know that his response is really good information about him as a partner. But the waiting is so hard. My mind goes everywhere. I want to send a message to check in but I also don’t want to be overbearing. What should I do?
tldr: I set a boundary with a newish partner, he said he’d think about his feelings and we’d talk soon. It’s been about a day. Do I check in or give him space?
2 comments
I don’t quite understand what precipitated the conversation, but it’s best to have important conversations in person, so you can, you know, talk about whatever it is and see how they react and such. Dumping whatever issue into someone’s lap on a phone call before they’re about to do something is kind of an odd, maybe impulsive, choice.
Ultimately, (given very little context), I think that if a relationship is meant to go the distance, something like this probably won’t matter.
I’d give him space. Having conversations in person at the appropriate timing would be helpful too. It’s hard to give advice without more context about the “boundary”. Reaching out at this point seems like it would serve more to appease your anxieties than anything else. It might push him away if you don’t give him the space to talk to you when he is ready, as you’ve already laid out to him.