My wife and I have been though a lot over the years , but currently have a relatively sound solid marriage. We are at the point in our marriage where we talk openly about our needs and wants and let each other know if they are or are not being met . . time/childcare/finances/intimacy etc. But for this particular thing, I have this need I have asked her about a few times and yet nothing has really changed. I know this may seem small or insignificant to others, or possibly petty, but it is important to me.
We have regular intimacy (2-4 times/month) and are very candid about if we would like to have intimacy. Generally speaking, I ask for intimacy, and she never really asks. If she tells me that she is not in the mood or doesn’t feel like it, I do not press the issue or badger her for it. I may ask again another few days, and if I get the same response, I again leave it alone. I don’t pout, get grumpy or gaslight or be an ass about it. I am honestly fine with that, but I am increasingly frustrated that she does not express to me that she a)Wants to have sex with me, or b)Tells me that she is turned on by me or give her any desire for intimacy.
I feel like a child always asking and wanting her, but never really being told I am wanted.
Is this a juvenile want? Should I just shut up and deal with it or press the issue?
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46 comments
Bring this up gently. There’s a book ‘Come as you are’ about women and sex. You saw some reviews online. You want to read it with her because you want her to be happy with your sex life.
There’s good stuff in there. A lot of women have ‘responsive desire’ and a ‘brake’ that turns them back off. Just be prepared – you have to be willing to make changes if she identifies a brake. For example, if she doesn’t blow you because you have to be nagged to do chores and it’s a big turnoff – be prepared to do chores without reminders.
>I feel like a child always asking and wanting her, but never really being told I am wanted.
Stop asking for sex and remember how to flirt. Beyond that you need address your lifestyle so you aren’t relying on sex to fully your needs for connection and esteem. Right now you are using sex as a band-aid for basic psychological needs that aren’t being fulfilled.
Sex/feeling desired by your partner are not needs.
Here is a bad analogy: Pretend sex is a watermelon. If I ate enough watermelon every day I wouldn’t need to drink any water or any other liquid for that matter. At first this doesn’t raise any red flags, watermelon is plentiful and easy to come by. As time goes by watermelon prices keep going up, as things always do. Now I’m needing to budget a bit better and just put in more effort to get my watermelons… plus watermelon is getting kinda boring, its sweet but routine. Eventually I am going to start stressing out, I NEED WATERMELON otherwise I am going to become dehydrated and die on a pile of shriveled up watermelon rinds.
Of course I could drink some water because that is what I actually need to not wake up dead, but if I relied on watermelon for years and years, and from such a young age that I didn’t realize there were many other ways to stay hydrated watermelon very much would feel like a need.
Watermelon was just a method to get my needs met, much like sex is just a method many of us use to get our psychological needs met (autonomy, esteem, and connection). If you find other ways to insure those needs are met you will approach sex from a different view, a more confident view not based in neediness. When it is no longer a need odds are your sex life will improve.
Another way to say the same thing, if you see sex as a need your wife is going to see sex as an obligation. That doesn’t sound like much of a turn on does it?
It’s not juvenile at all but maybe you need to have a sit down to ask *why* she doesn’t want it? There could be a number of underlying issues. Maybe she’s premenopausal. Maybe something hurts. Maybe she wants you to be spontaneous. It could be anything. Just have a good conversation about it
If you are open and honest in communication then why aren’t you asking her all this?
What is it you want? Her to accept your advances more? Or for her to initiate herself?
I have a very high libido and was in a marriage where I was the only initiator and he turned me down a lot.
The sad truth is…this is just not something they can make themselves to. This is not “I will do the dishes more even though I don’t like doing the dishes”
You are asking her to crave doing the dishes…..
The real issue is that she doesn’t want you the way you want her. And while people will tell you it’s your fault, that you are a man child who is lazy and that you don’t give her orgasms and of course she doesn’t want you, you disgusting pig….it’s just not true.
You can be perfect in every way and a person still might not want sex with you.
All you can do is tell them what you want, ask them how they feel about that, and then see if they actually change.
If they don’t, you can only stay and accept it, or go.
>I am increasingly frustrated that she does not express to me that she a)Wants to have sex with me, or b)Tells me that she is turned on by me or give her any desire for intimacy.
Some people are initiators and some aren’t. (cue scene from Big Bang Theory where Penny says she’s a big ol’ 5) You didn’t mention that she used to, but now she’s not so it seems like it’s not a change in status quo you’re just now wanting something different.
I wouldn’t say it’s a juvenile want, but if she’s never been the initiator when it comes to sex wanting or expecting her to change now is unrealistic.
Now you guys could talk and see if you could both be more vocal about your desires and such, but that might not work if her saying anything positive about the sex leads to a direct ask or initiation of sex. So that’s something to be mindful of.
A lot of women don’t really get “horny” just by themselves, that’s the whole reason that foreplay is so often talked about with regard to women and sex, a lot of the time women may not be opposed to having sex but aren’t already turned on.
You’re asking for a 50 year old woman to just randomly get horny, well some do but some don’t and I’d wager there’s more in the latter camp.
She can’t just choose to get randomly horny and you asking her to as though her body’s physiology changing is a “need” for you is pretty crass and entitled.
Sex 2/4 times a month and you always have to initiate – and you still question it she wants to have sex with you? It’s pretty obvious she doesn’t! She doesn’t initiate because she doesn’t want to
She’s likely going through menopause and has zero desire right now
Oh, ooooh, I get it. My man (33) responds to sex in such a way. For him, the way to feel loved and desired is via sex, or rather me asking for it. But we communicated that fairly bluntly and early… He knows that’s not my thing, but that doesn’t stop me from making him feel good and secure, now that I know that’s how he functions. I’m fine with “scratching his back” that way, even when my libido isn’t particularly high. I am forgetful sometimes, but even randomly grabbing his butt kinda helps or being physically flirty and stuff. Maybe you haven’t communicated that properly yet. Try being more clear on that need for the desire to be expressed. Just like when young girls ask for more compliments. See if the restaurant/drinks analogy helps – you don’t have to be hungry or thirsty in order to take someone out for a meal/drinks, you don’t have to be up for sex to show them they’re desired.
Sit down and talk about it. My husband talked to me about this a while ago. Several years ago, in fact. It took me a bit to initiate. He talked to me about it a few times. I wasn’t super horny a lot, honestly, and that’s why I didn’t initiate. When he would I was game. I just wouldn’t start it because I wasn’t horny.
Talk to her about how your feeling. Sex may not be a need like water or air but it is something that two people in a loving happy relationship do semi regularly. Sex in a committed long term relationship isn’t just about getting off it’s about connection and emotion an exchange of love and passion. When your not having it it starts to feel as though you’ve lost your connection but she may not realize your feeling that way. It is impossible to make someone want you but if they learn how the constant rejection is leaving you feeling unconnected and lonely she may make a better effort on her end. Also make sure to prioritize non-sexual intimacy, if she feels like you only reach out for sex and not for her it will cause her to shut down. Unfortunately there is no one thing you can do to fix this, it does require both partners being on the same page and working together. Don’t ask for sex ask for connection and love you’ll get a better response.
As a older woman we was told it was wrong to want sex she might have a problem asking even if you tell her it’s ok talk to her about it and maybe she doesn’t know how to start it and feels uncomfortable doing it
50 years old is a very challenging time for a woman. Hormones are changing, life changes happen like kids leaving the nest, etc. A lot of women lose their libido at this time.
I think it’s reasonable for you to desire her to desire you or express some appreciation for you. Instead of demanding or outright asking perhaps put it as “I’ve felt a bit undesired lately and would really appreciate some intimate time with you”.
Leave it at that. Be sure to do your best to fulfill her needs/wants so it is a reciprocal arrangement. Do something she likes that you typically don’t engage in, like a romance movie or her favorite meal. Tell her something personal, not just how work was but how you felt let down by X, or Y really bothered you, or how Z really made you happy. Engage intimately on an emotional level and see if she comes around on a physical level.
Is no one going to talk about the fact that she’s at the prime age for menopause and could very well likely be suffering some an imbalance of hormones??
I’m about her age and my hormones have gone to shit. I don’t care about intimacy right now. It’s nice, but I’m fine without it. I never used to be like this. I used to have a way higher sex drive than my husband. So I ask, is it possible that she’s got a hormonal thing going on? Perimenopause can do a number on a woman.
What about warming her up by just focusing on her pleasure? Then go from there. And maybe have a meta convo about her desire levels and if there’s anything you can do to help or anything thats turning her off.
Totally rational feeling. You guys need to talk about it and probably with the therapist.
Do you romance her at all, still?
A lot of women’s sex drive is attached to emotion. I know I personally am more in the mood when my husband gives me a little attention than when he mimics the Lemme Smash bird. Which is funny but *not* a turn on.
Have you even spoken to your wife about this or are you just keeping this to yourself and letting the resentment build up? Your wife is probably going through menopause. I think you’re attributing a lot of emotional reasons to her lack of sex drive that are probably all physical. In any case, stop making assumptions and just speak with her.
Do you just ask her to have sex and then jack hammer her or do you take the time to create / get her in the mood and then make sure you both are taken care of?
Honestly (just my opinion as a woman) if shes having not enjoyable or even uncomfortable sex, she’s less likely to put effort into it in the future. She might associate that uncomfortable or unsatisfying feeling with having sex and it may seem like a turn off. A long pattern of having bad sex can turn someone off from having sex all together.
There are other things that could be influencing her sex drive, like a naturally lower libido, menopause, stress or health concerns, but it kind of seems like ultimately you need to build the intimacy between you two. Give her a nice back massage without expecting sex. Take her to a romantic dinner. Hold her hand when you go for a walk. These things may seems little but they show that you care about the connection between the two of you, not just the sex. And they may help her feel more in the mood or relaxed when sex comes up.
I think you may need to acknowledge too that you may just have different libido levels right now and may need to adjust your expectations.
So after menopause.. Or even during, that desire takes a nose dive! I’m about the same age as your wife and I have literally no desire to have sex. It started a few years ago when I started menopause. In fact when I think about it, I’d be perfectly fine like that the rest of my life. My husband wouldn’t appreciate it so if he wants to have sex then we have sex, but I don’t think I’d ever initiate sex again the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. It’s not you it’s her lack of hormones.
If she’s always turning down sex that’s a problem! If she’s having sex with you when you want to have sex then what’s the problem? That’s just not how she’s wired anymore to be randomly turned on and wanting to have sex all the time. I don’t know what else to say…. It’s not like we can control it
When was her last gyno visit? Her hormones may be changing. She may not realize that her lack of interest is a physical symptom of a hormonal imbalance.
There are medications, creams, and a variety of things that can help.
No. Pretty common based off of past posts Ive seen.
Gently bring it up, and see what else it could be related to. It sounds like menopause, which can really mess with women.
My mom hid hers and was severely depressed for two years. She also HATED physical touch – literally even hugs from family. Eventually, she found a doctor that specialized in hormone therapy and it helped dramatically.
I’m not saying this is you, but my ex husband used to whine that I didn’t initiate. I tried to tell him why *repeatedly*, but he wouldn’t listen/act on what I told him, but you don’t seem like that. Anyway, the issue was that he was demanding (and I do mean demanding, I used to *dread* going to bed, it’s a BIG part of why I left him, as it happens) sex or a blowjob a minimum of every 2nd night. When I would say no he would make me regret it, so at some point I started just going along with it because even tho I didn’t want it (by the end he absolutely repulsed me, in fact), he would make everyone so miserable the next day, and me that night, it was easier to just go along with it. Anyway, that STILL wasn’t good enough for this whining ass, so then he started complaining that I wasn’t ‘enthusiastic’ (about the unwanted sex he was forcing on me, yeah, funny that) about it and didn’t initiate (yeah I’m getting to the point, I promise, I started talking and couldn’t stop, I know that 99% of this doesn’t apply to you). So I tried to tell him, if he wanted me to initiate, he *absolutely had to* back off and give me an opportunity to actually want it. Unfortunately he thought 1 day was more than enough and that was the absolute maximum reprieve I ever got, which was obviously nowhere NEAR long enough, and then he’s go right back to demanding sex AND complaining that he did what I wanted and I still didn’t initiate and blah blah blah . Whew, I guess I needed to vent about all that. In any case, the part of it that actually applies to you, is that if you want her to initiate, you need to back off and wait for her too. As in, don’t hound her, don’t decide it’s been a day longer than you’d like so *obviously* she’s not going to and you’re just going to have to, just completely leave her alone sexually, for as long as it takes, and allow her to come to you. That’s my suggestion anyway, that’s what I needed for me to ever initiate – that chance to actually want it
Age and female hormones are a fact of life. Their sex drive falls off a cliff. You just have to deal with it. If it was up to her you would never have sex again. The required chemicals are no longer present. You can water a dead plant but it won’t grow again.
Just be hotter and do more hot stuff. Some people have a hard time verbalizing that kind of shit, so you have to just listen to their actions. My woman is very introverted and does not waste words in general, and doesn’t talk dirty or verbalize much, but she will initiate sex all the time out of arousal when I do something hot or whatever. If you’re having the sex she wants to be having the sex. Learn to hear it her language.
Given her age, I would do some reading about the impacts of menopause on desire and overcoming it in a relationship. Communication on this topic is sensitive and has potential for conflict but it sounds like you do a great job with communicating and in accepting feedback. I would also consider approaching it as missing the connection with her. Don’t make the conversation too centered on the physical . Remind her you love her and you love connecting with her mentally and physically and you’ve missed sharing yourselves. I’m telling you what worked on me and it may or many not help in your situation but I wish you both the best. Believe it or not, it’s frustrating on her side too as she’s well aware she’s lost interest.
This is literally 95% of marriages. If you are lucky, your wife will be apathetic or aloof about sex post 40y.
Most women have responsive sex drive which is the exact opposite of men’s spontaneous sex drive. It’s nothing to feel bad about it’s just how nature works. You could always try some playful teasing to heighten the mood and then no follow through. Do that a few times and maybe plan a full evening like museum and dinner with no time for any real serious hanky panky to make her crave it and see how she comes to you. Make it a game for yourself
You don’t ever give her a chance to miss you sexually
So OP, here’s the deal. There’s a million people in here telling you how to help your wife enjoy sex more and build intimacy. And that’s not bad advice by any means. Go ahead, do it, it’ll probably make your life better.
But you’re not going to get what you describe. That’s not the way your wife is wired. All that about responsive desire…you can turn her on like a Christmas tree, but she’s still not going to go to you first and make you feel feel desired without you doing something about it first. This “responsive” desire. I’m sorry, it sucks, but it’s the way it is and there are worse things in the world.
I see these posts from guys all the time.
Here is the thing. Most women need to actually feel desired to get in the mood for sex. No, you wanting to have sex with us does not equal desire. It just equals that YOU are looking for release and need a home to plug.
Little things can change this. Send a text with something tasteful. “You have been in my mind all day. You are so beautiful.” Try watching a movie or a show snuggled up together. Rub her back, if you are going to make your way to her butt, please take some time. Kiss her neck. Coo in her ear.
But, it isn’t just physical. I’m telling you, there is nothing sexier than a partner doing a load of dishes or cooking a meal! Anything to take something off her plate. Or, rub her feet and suggest she take a bath. Buy some essential oil epsom salts.
These little efforts to a long way to making a woman feel valued and desired as a person and not just as a hole to plug.
Be intimate with her in ways that are separate from sex. Rub her back, brush her hair, do anything that doesn’t lead to you trying to have sex with her. When every intimate moment comes with strings attached, it can be dreadful for someone with a low libido.
You can also gently point out that you don’t feel desired. I’m sure it can hurt to be constantly turned down. Maybe she doesn’t realize you feel that way.
I think a lot of men think of sex in some kind of economy. You do work, you deserve sex.
That doesn’t really seem to foster intimacy, connection, or desire when it is not based in some kind of appreciation for the other person rather than…what can you do for me?
The other commenters are helpful. I think you’re on the right track. Good luck
I follow someone on Instagram called attachment Adam and he has done some posts and podcasts on this topic. The other day he said something really interesting that stuck with me. He said that men can switch on/off very quickly, whereas women need to feel really connected to their partner to engage in sex enthusiastically & have high oxytocin levels (connection hormone).
Even though it’s the woman’s body, a man (in a heterosexual relationship) plays a huge role in making sure those levels are high. You need to remember to do the small things if you’re not already — when watching tv or a movie, make sure to hold her hand or rub her arm. If you’re holding her, rub your thumb up and down to let her know you’re present with her. Get alone time where you can have that bodily contact for a while before going from 0 to 100.
If you do all of this I have no answer 🤣 but hope it helps
Women do not think about sex for many reasons. Men think it’s something that can be turned on and off like it’s a damn light switch. I get so sick of hearing men pout about not getting sex when they want it, not feeling needed. You could care less about being needed or desired. It would never cross your mind if we ladies just laid there and let you do you deed. Sex isn’t an importance to most women.. We want something that men can’t give. That’s time, help, comfort and understanding. And most women don’t care about sex because there’s never an orgasam for her. Either because the man can’t last long enough, or it’s a common thing for women duets lack of hormones etc etc. Sex without climax is like a noodle and a sock making out.
I don’t know about men, but as a woman, sometimes we go through seasons were all we want is sex, and sometimes the thought of it makes us sick. Since your wife is 50, it’s likely she’s going through menopause and that can really mess everything up. Hormones are crazier than pregnancy and some women completely lose their sex drive
It is not a juvenile desire but it’s also not necessarily something she can control. If she’s not someone who spontaneously thinks of sex or gets horny, it’s just hard.
I have a very reactive sex drive so I almost never initiated sex. It bothered my husband so I took to reading romance novels. They get my brain in that direction. I’m still not just spontaneously horny but at least he’s not in the position of always getting my engines going. That being said, I still probably only initiate 1 in 5 times.
I also make it a priority to try not to say no immediately. My husband and I communicate really well in this area and he understands where I’m coming from. So we have an agreement that if I get into foreplay and REALLY am not feeling it, we can stop. I’ve very rarely ever done that but when I did my husband handled it with grace and maturity. Knowing that I don’t have to do something I don’t want to do has had a really positive impact on the way I think about sex and has given me a lot more freedom to enjoy it
Has it occurred to you that she isn’t in the mood and that is why she doesn’t tell you she wants to be intimate? Have you bothered to ask her why she doesn’t ask or if she’s still attracted to you?
Don’t ask, seduce her.
It’s not inappropriate, no. I think you may need to brace yourself for the possibility that your wife is not enjoying the sex that you two are having a whole lot. It’s hard to ask for sex if it’s the last thing you want to do, another chore. Do you know for sure she’s having a good time? Are you considerate during intimacy, an equal partner? Have you asked her if she might like to use toys? It could be that she hasn’t been into it for a long time, and she’s afraid to discuss anything around sex, at least in my experience that’s happened to me in the past in a long term relationship. I would have sex as asked regularly, but it was an awful chore. In the beginning, I attempted to voice my needs so that there might be a bit of mutual enjoyment, but I was never heard. Or worse, he’d grab on to one small thing I said, do it wrong and run with it, making it awful and totally not what I wanted. Any attempts to redirect were met with whining and pouting instead of understanding, or caring about me and my mutual satisfaction. So eventually, I just assigned it as another chore to be done. I’m not saying this is what’s going on in your marriage by any means, just that it’s a common thing when a woman has sex with her husband or partner, but may not really be wanting to or enjoying it.
There are a lot of comments about getting more sex but I got the impression from the post that you’re wanting her to initiate and make you feel wanted?
Was there a period of time after you the “honeymoon” stage that she stopped initiating? She may feel wierd being the initiator. Whether because she was raised with the idea that men initiate/ women being shamed for being sexual or just not doing it for so long she’s embarrassed. I’ve personally gone through times where I’ve stopped seeing myself as sexy and feel awkward pretending I am. Even when I know my view is twisted its still hard to take a step forward.
Your sex life sounds like a chore.
What are you doing to make her get in the mood other than asking? That is about as unsexy as it gets.
I will say that for me when a man does work unprompted, does nice things for me and shows me that he appreciates me that makes me want him, but to be stuck in a rut and then have someone tell me they want to eff and act like that’s foreplay… bruh, that is just lazy.
I honestly feel that men don’t realize that you’re literally shoving a fucking stick into our bodies that you feel satisfied by and that we feel pain by sometimes