What’s something women should know before starting their first romantic relationship?

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  1. She should know how to spot red flags that may signal that “this guy is bad news”.

  2. Respect yourself. If your partner talks over you, ignores your input, minimizes your feelings, lies to you, makes everything and everyone a higher priority than you – get out!!

  4. * Respecting each other’s boundaries and need for consent is absolute bare minimum baseline. If you or your partner can’t or won’t meet that minimum, do not waste your time with that relationship.

    * Know your deal breakers. Enforce them.

    * Compatibility is key. The more happily compatible you are together, the fewer big disagreements, compromises, and stress you will experience together based on that. Can you turn a relationship into a full-time maintenance job full of meaningless tasks and chores so you can manage to be together? Sure, but you can also find a compatible partner so that none of that is needed for you to have a successful relationship together. Don’t be afraid to recognize incompatibilities that matter to you, and don’t be afraid to be single rather than settle for a harmful or incompatible relationship.

    * If you do not want to participate in something, do not consent to it. There is no shame in asserting your boundaries, and anyone trying to shame, manipulate, or coerce you does not actually care for you and it’s not a safe partner for you. If your partner ever seems hesitant about their consent to something, stop and do not do that thing. Both of you need to be aware of unhealthy tactics used to manipulate others into apparent, but not actual, consent.

  7. Never settle. Always get dealbreaker on the table from the beginning so you don’t waste each other’s time and get feelings invested in a relationship that has no future.

  9. She should know what she’s looking for out of a relationship and the type of partner she’s looking for.

  12. – DON’T find excuses when you see red flags, like truly DON’T, see it as FACTUAL !
    – Know the difference between someone who loves you vs someone who wants to possess you, there’s a CLEAR difference.
    – Respect is NOT an option NOR to compromise NOR on their terms.
    – The close circle DO speaks volumes about the person you’re with, unless they’re known to not participate in anything compromising and just hang with them *normally*.
    – You ALWAYS have a way out.
    – Have more respect and love for yourself than for them cause this can easily cloud your mind and makes you see everything from a “love color glasses”.
    – If there’s more bad than good then you sincerely don’t need any more proof.
    – The benefit of the doubt is NOT unlimited, at some point it becomes THEIR choice to not respect you cause everyone has the capacity to treat someone good and correct their own selves but if they don’t then it speaks volumes.
    – For the love of everything : have individuality, your life is not about them so literally keep living your life, a genuine and healthy person understands that.

  13. You really ought to know yourself a bit before you drag someone else into the equation is probably what I would tell my younger self.

    Otherwise, it gets unnecessarily messy.

  14. You should *always be aware* of your boundaries – even (especially) when the feelings and butterflies are present and overwhelming/dominating

  15. If you are interested in cis men, be ready to manage birth control unless your goal is pregnancy.

  16. Don’t settle. Those things you find annoying now won’t change. If he has bad qualities you can’t change them and they might get worst. Learn to say no when uncomfortable and mean it. Even in a relationship your body belongs to you. No one should try to pressure you do to something you don’t want to. That’s a red flag and you should walk away from the person. Watch how they talk to you and treat you in private and in public if it feels wrong leave.

  17. If you wouldn’t want your best friend, sister, or mom to be in that relationship, then why are you?

  18. Current relationship issues will not ever be resolved through a change of circumstances. You don’t have to wait for your partner to finish their work project/get their degree/move in with you/save money/whatever excuse you might be making for them. If all it takes is a moderately inconvenient life circumstance for them to put you on hold, then that is not your person.

  20. If you’re feeling miserable because of your partner it doesn’t matter if you’re wondering if maybe you’re asking too much or it’s your fault – you need to get out.

  21. Physical attraction doesnt grow over time if its not there in the first place. Dont underestimate the importance of physical attraction and sexual chemistry. You should be friends with your partner but a romantic relationship should have SOME passion and sexuality- not just handholding and domestic chores. Unless ur ace i guess lol

  22. The phrases “you can trust me” “I’m a nice guy” “I’m not going to hurt you” can be HUGE RED FLAGS. If someone is actually a nice guy, he won’t have to *convince* you, you’ll be able to *actively notice*.

    Don’t lower your standards or life plans to accommodate *his* standards or life plans.

    If you think you’re ready for children, wait two years and during those two years, gain as much knowledge as you can about what parenting is really like. If you still think you can handle it, then go for it.

    “No” is a full sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your self preservation.

  23. Trust your instinct, if you feel like something is wrong, aknowledge it from the start, don’t excuse or minimise any red flags!

  24. 1) A lot of men only get into relationships for easy access to sex. If a man ever makes you feel bad for not wanting to have sex, or not having/performing sex the way he wants, he is one of those men. Dump him!!

    2) Also, you are allowed to say no. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are not unreasonable for it, and anyone who tries to make you feel bad is just trying to get something from you. They don’t have your best interests at heart.

    3) Love alone is not enough to make a healthy, worthwhile relationship, and it’s not enough reason to stay in a relationship. You also need respect, consideration, communication and kindness.

    4) If you can’t respectfully and constructively discuss problems together, then you can’t solve problems together. And you can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t solve problems together! If you or he gets defensive and refuses to talk it through calmly, it’s never going to work.

    5) Don’t stay hoping they’ll change. If you can’t live happily for the rest of your life with them just the way they are, they aren’t the right person for you. There is no guarantee, no matter what they tell you, that they will actually change. Eventually it will all catch up to you, after a bunch of heartbreak and wasted time. Cut your losses!

  25. The difference between infatuation and romantic feelings (falling in love). You can get so sucked up in infatuation you ignore all the red flags that you need to be paying attention to.

  26. That the person you’re about to be with has just as many concerns, strengths, weaknesses, and issues as you might. Your job is to see if your factors mesh together in a way that meets your goals and needs. Enjoy the experiences you can enjoy, and try and learn about yourself through the process. That way if it isn’t fulfilling you, you’re better equipped to know what the next opportunity should entail.

  27. You don’t NEED to be in a relationship to be a fully functioning person. A relationship should be an enhancement, something that improves your life, not a source of stress. If it becomes a detriment to your life, end it. You don’t need that mess and being single is not a negative thing. I wish I’d had that reminder when I was in my 20s.

  28. Something my mom always told me and wish I would have listened to more intently sooner. “You deserve to be picky”. I focused so hard on making myself seem desirable to others that I lost sight in myself.

  29. Maintain your friendships, hobbies, and interests separately of the relationship so that you have a support system and sense of who you are. Losing yourself in a relationship and putting aside everything for one person will leave you struggling to find your footing and your independence should the relationship dissolve. Your partner should not be your only source of entertainment, companionship, or emotional support.

    If someone close to you expresses a genuine concern or dislike about your partner, hear them out. You don’t necessarily have to do anything with what they say, but they may see something you haven’t since they’re viewing from the outside.

  32. This will likely not be your last one. Enjoy it in the moment, but the process of dating and heartbreak cements and grows your romantic tastes. The man who will be your last and only will probably look NOTHING like what you thought he’d look like and be nothing like your first.

  33. When dating, don’t settle for anything less than mutual enthusiasm. If you like them a lot and want to go out with them, be honest, up front, and make that date. If they don’t match that energy by not calling/messaging when they say they will, leaving you on unread for a really long time, or flaking out all the time, they’re either not as into you or playing games so they can have the upper hand and control over you in the relationship.

    In a similar vein, relationships shouldn’t be difficult all the time and you shouldn’t feel like you’re always fighting to show your worth to someone with whom you’re in love. Speaking from experience, you might be more vulnerable to dating people who don’t show mutual enthusiasm and love if you had toxic and/or abusive parents. Never forget: You deserve to have someone like you as much as you like them!

  36. The vulnerability of a relationship will always be greater for women. Your heart is a precious resource that needs to be protected fiercely. Vulnerability + Boy Drama= Extreme Trauma that take years to recover from and may never fully heal.

    Do not ‘Fall’ into a romantic relationship. Screen, validate, and select.

  38. You will always deserve to have a partner that loves, respects, and cherishes you. those aren’t special qualities reserved for only some relationships.

    if you communicate to your partner something they do that bothers you, such as liking other women’s ‘thirst traps’ on instagram and they don’t quit the behavior, strongly reconsider the relationship. don’t gaslight yourself about the one behavior you asked to have changed, really question why they can’t prioritize your feelings and why they don’t want to stop doing something that hurts you.

    i wish i had read Communion by Bell Hooks before any romantic relationship, especially with men. I highly recommend reading the book because there are so many insightful things she discusses in the book that are all related to the female search for love.

    I wish I had known that beauty standards weren’t boxes I had to tick to receive love. That I wasn’t more deserving of something when I was as thin as I could be.

    Don’t divulge all the inner workings of your relationship to your friends, but definitely discuss something with a close friend/trusted person if you need advice.

    I wish I had asked myself more often if a friend’s boyfriend had done to them some of the things my ex-boyfriend had done to me, would I tell her to break up with him or stay

  40. If a man verbally compares you to his ex, he’s not over her, and you’re about to suffer the shit they went through that he hasn’t even tried to process. Just jumping from woman to woman looking for someone to make him happy.

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