After 16yrs knowing about her Ex’s I found she was intimate with our friend group.

41 comments

1. Dude…..🤨😬.

   You need serious therapy

2. Is this worth breaking up your great marriage over? A high school relationship?

   She probably didn’t mention it because she didn’t want you to possibly feel weird around him or not want to hang with them anymore.

   If she apologized could you begin to move on?

3. > To my wife, this was over 20 years ago, but to me, it is like it happened yesterday and she cheated on me.

   No, it was literally 20 years ago, and no cheating happened. Your feelings are giving you an inaccurate assessment of your reality. This is what therapy is for.

   > Am I over reacting or is this a justified concern on my end?

   This is beyond an over reaction. This is madness. You’re on the verge of tanking a 15y marriage because of something your wife did 20 years ago that is actually totally fine.

   Please, go get some help.

4. I feel for you man, people don’t understand the lies about “things that don’t matter,” just make you question things that do. You are thinking She lied so you still hang out with her friends, who knows what else right? Get therapy to process that hurt and doubt, it is real but you can get beyond it.

   Also, and before anyone tells you otherwise, it is perfectly valid to state the boundary you would have had 15 years ago had you know now and say “I am not comfortable with B or anyone else either of us had sex with being at all present in ou lives going forward.” Doesn’t make you insecure or less of a man, especially since the dude had already cracked a joke at your expense. Also a good way to see how important this actually is to your wife.

   Good luck, stay strong.

5. [deleted]

6. Oh my God, seriously?

   You say over the years she mentioned this ex and that prom date, but not B. Well, of course she did, the ex’s and prom dates were important to her. This thing with B was 2 tipsy teenagers fumbling around in the dark one night at daddy’s beach house.

   If you wanted an exact list of who she slept with in the past, you should have asked for one, rather than relying on your wife’s random remembrances shared over the years.

   You need to find a way to be ok with this, whether that means therapy or asking your wife to cut contact with B.

   If you keep brooding over this, and arguing the same argument with your wife, you’re going to drive her away.

7. Unlike some of the others, I mean, this is all fresh and new to you for the most part. And I think some batteries should be in place. It’s very emasculating for you to be out and socializing with people that she had had sex with in the past and didn’t tell you. And apparently they know they know who she had sex with in there. You are sitting there turn on looking like a fool because you’re enjoying their company yet they’re looking at you completely different. Maybe it’s just you stop hanging out with her friend group

8. I have a feeling there is a metric shit ton of stuff you don’t know about her and the neighbor guy.

9. This is really odd. I think at this point you and her need to distance yourself from her friends until everything is sorted out. This stuff always comes out and normally at weird times as with your MIL and at other times especially with Alcohol. Honestly, what do you want to happen? That is what you need to ask yourself. What does she want to happen?

   Get the marriage counseling and see what transpires. Lay everything out. Not a dealbreaker for me though. Move forward as team.

10. Sorry man. Probably do individual counseling over couples. I don’t think there was some intent. But you definitely have a strained relationship with her family. Question. How many women do you still hang out with that you’ve slept with?

11. UpdateMe

12. I’m trying to find empathy for you here, but this is just so odd and baffling. You need to figure out why you are blowing up a great marriage for something that does not matter.

13. Good luck with therapy and I hope you guys can move past this and continue a happy marriage. I just want to tell you even with therapy, if you can’t move past it that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you and your feelings and emotions are completely valid.

14. I have a rule that I don’t normally read long ass posts like this, but you caught my curiosity. I kept reading and waiting for the shoe to drop.. when did this woman totally fuck this poor guy up and bang B or C or X or whatever after you were married.

    But that never happened..

    I see a LOT of posts where people get really hung up on lies which are really just omissions of a truth. Now, before I get down voted into the depths of hell, hear me out..

    If your wife was fucking around AFTER you were dating and eventually married.. but you were none the wiser and she didn’t tell you for 15 years.. and then came clean.. I would be the first in line to support you and say she fucked up royally.. bc not only did she lie, but she actually cheated.

    You are also being affected by her family and their familiarity with the past and obviously you guys still hang out int he same weird circles so your wounds will never heal as long as all that stays active.. but it sounds like you are making strides in fixing that.. good on you!

    Finally, I’ll answer your original question.. YES, I think you are over reacting and causing additional stress to your marriage .But I am purely basing that on what I read here.. so who really knows.. I honestly hope you find a way through this, it did sound like your marriage was working before all this shit started for you.

15. I cannot imagine caring about who my husband dated in high school. This is just really strange, and it’s not healthy to feel entitled to an accounting of all her sexual partners from puberty on, and then to act so betrayed because she had sex before she met you.

    This isn’t normal.

16. I feel for your children. This entire post is filled with you and your wife getting wasted with your high school friend. That’s cute at 21 but at 45. Y’all need to grow the hell up.

17. She didn’t cheat. For me it wouldn’t warrant divorce after all these years but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be pissed. Most dudes wouldn’t like to hang out with a guy that has banged his wife. On top of that it’s the fact that she withheld the truth. She knew what she was doing she was just hoping you’d never find out. If she isn’t telling you the truth about this then what else is she hiding?

18. You need to fucking CHILL my guy

19. to use a term you wrote above, what is your end game? by your own admission, you have a happy marriage. You agree that people have pasts that make them who they are. Why are you so intent on bringing this up after 16years together? what difference does it make except to make you lose your mind. She’s not lying. Could she have spoken about it, sure. But what difference does it make now. my suggestion – let it go and move on….otherwise your end game will be divorce.

20. You are so beyond over the top. It was 20 years ago. She never cheated on you, she had a past as did you. You are making her pay the price for whatever incredibly ridiculous hang up you have. You must be highly insecure. If I were her and I read your post I’d divorce you based on some very messed up way of thinking. Grow up.

21. My dude, you are massively overreacting. This is about whatever trauma you have that’s being brought up – not your wife. I’m glad you’re in EMDR therapy because you need it. I say this as a person with trauma who’s done EMDR. It’s totally unfair for you to transfer your trauma response onto your spouse. Work on yourself and then apologize to your wife.

22. What happened before you is none of your business and even it was it does not freaking matter 15 years later!

23. She didn’t cheat on you and you need professional help. Saw that you’re going through a lot and getting help so atleast you’re on the right path.

24. Justified to be disappointed she didn’t tell you if you guys have the kind of relationship where you need to divulge your entire sexual history and she had made you feel like she had.

    Not justified to feel like your whole marriage is a lie and you are a fool and all those other spiralling thoughts you’re having.

    Sounds like she was embarrassed and thought if she didn’t mention it then it wouldn’t come up.

    To me, it’s weird her friends brought up that shit.

    You have nothing to feel bad about, stop beating yourself up.

    Your wife isn’t cheating.

    You can work your way through this.

25. It sounds like you need to take a break from your (fucked up) friend group. And not for a few weeks, but like a year. If your wife cares more about you than them then she should understand why and will join you in this.

    That being said, everyone has history and as much as you are freaking out about the dishonesty part have you ever considered that there may be something there that she has been actively trying to forget( sexual assault, drugs, super embarrassing, etc.) and that is why she didn’t share that part with you.

26. My husband and I don’t talk about our sex lives prior to dating because it is weird and none of our business. I don’t gaf who he slept with prior to being with me.

    If he found out that I had slept with a guy friend from HIGH SCHOOL he would def care more about the fact that he knew than the fact that it happened. And that would be if he cared at all.

    He has for sure met guys I’ve had sex with and I’ve not said anything because it would be super weird to lol.

    Not knowing doesn’t humiliate the other, we see it as respecting the other.

27. Stop it.Get some help.

28. This was hard to follow but from what I’m reading your wife hooked up with a douchebag in high school and 20+ years later his douchebag friends are still slut shaming her for it and you are having a faith crisis because of it? Sounds like something she regrets and wish she didn’t do. I’m not sure why shes still best friends with the woman who married the douchebag. That seems toxic.

29. Either I am little tipsy or something, but I am so confused about this story!

30. First, I call BS on being married 15 years and “we never argue or fight.”

    I mean c’mon.

    As far as this issue, it was high school for gods sake. She probably viewed it as a mistake and maybe had some embarrassment about it.

    Yes, she should have mentioned something early on. But you are overreacting here.

31. Man, this seems like a lot less about your wife’s behavior and far more about your own insecurities.

    She didn’t tell you because it’s not important to her and maybe she knows how insecure you can be which is kind of on full display for everyone here.

    Simple situation.

    Did she cheat on you AFTER you were married or together or whatever point you choose to identify with as your “fidelity point”?

    If she didn’t cheat, then maybe she didn’t tell you because it wasn’t something she could control (like who lives next door to you) and she knew that you’d be all freaked out by it… like you’re demonstrating now.

    Or… maybe she’s telling truth and she didn’t think about it because it didn’t matter.

    If she cheated or you suspect that she cheated, that’s one thing… otherwise, this is a you problem.

32. I think this is sort of a self-esteem issue. OP said there are their wedding photos with the guy in question there. I’m sure he is thinking “This guy was probably thinking _he is about to marry the girl I banged_”. So I don’t blame him for feeling this way.

    Anyway, its convenient how the wife just some how didn’t mention this among everything else. Yea it was 20 years ago, but its all about honesty, right? You wanna keep secrets from your spouse, expecting over time it will lessen the impact because it won’t matter in the future, then go head because thats exactly what his wife did.

33. Woof, I absolutely 100% would not have told you as well, because this was unhinged.

34. The thing is the guy will now be visualising his wife being banged by theses people he knows and sees them, that’s traumatic, a blast from the past with just a name no body or face to think about is a ghost and tgerfore not real but you know they existed.
    It sounds like he waxs being taunted by the guy that did it and he’s was insinuating she a a bit of a nympho. That’s cruel and sadistic on his part and that had clearly messed with his head. You girls have no idea how a well a man can visualise, not only that he’s had his head rolled in it. That’s why it’s feels raw, yes he does need to deal with it, but her friends have been shitty to her husband about it behind her back , about events he had no knowledge of.

    Sometimes you just have to consider the other side of to coin as well and not dwell on a singular perspective. That fact he’s been taunted should mean she drops the friends.

    The thing wonen don’t realise how much satisfaction a man will get telling another man he fucked his widfe, or toying with the other knowing exactly what he did with her. His wife needs to know this and then she might understand. Some men will chase a woman knowing she’s with another guy and when he knows the guy as well. It’s the challenge and sport and winning and Cumming literally on top, and walking around smug knowing what he did to your wife without you knowing.

35. I think it’s an over-reaction. Maybe she had a reason to not tell you and now you know the reason. (Awkwardness in the group or whatever else )

    It’s history. Contrary to what others think about their own situations, you certainly do not know everything about your exs lives and that’s probably a good thing.

    Just wow. All the ‘ clues’ over the years but you just didn’t want to know? What is the actual big deal? So…she omitted that part of her history. Maybe she knew how you’d react? I don’t know but causing a rift over ancient history you had better be prepared to tank your life over teenage drama IMHO

36. Hot take: it is reasonable to not want to be friends with or have your SO be friends with someone with whom they have a past sexual history.

    You didn’t know about it then, but you do now so draw a line in the sand and move on.

37. You are spiraling. Therapy might be a good option to help sort this out. Your wife did nothing wrong.

38. You’re way overreacting. She did choose you. You said you’re super happy and have a great sex life. Go spend five minutes reading r/deadbedrooms and realize you’d be a making a huge mistake to blow up a great marriage over shit that happened decades ago.

39. There should be a rule that no one in the group knows more about your sex life than you SO. That would have avoided this issue. She hid the relationship on purpose and this went on for years and years. It isn’t cheating it is lying by omission. That, frankly is worse.

40. I don’t mean this to be rude, but please stop now. I expected to hear at some point that she slept with some of these guys after you got married and never told you until the other day. She was in high school and probably doesn’t even remember much of anything or even care. Yes you are overreacting and you are probably turning your wife off by acting like a jealous 17 year old boyfriend instead of the grown man husband she has built an incredible life with over the last 20 years.

41. WOW! This was really is making a mountain out of a molehill… How are you in your forties and still act like an immature teenager? I feel bad for your wife.