I (25f) recently decided I need to break up with my boyfriend (26m) of seven years. I told my mom my conclusions this morning and she starts expressing how badly she feels for him.
This is a decision that took me literal years to come to but it’s only recently that l’ve started to find the strength to actually end things, but now her comments are making me second guess myself. The decision is hurting me but I don’t see any other solution at this point after begging for change and negotiation and meeting dead ends. Considering how long we’ve been together this obviously isn’t on a whim and I feel like she should’ve been able to read the room.
She got defensive and started going on about how she can feel however she wants about him. Am I in the wrong for being upset by her reaction?
Tl;dr- Mom’s reaction has me second guessing the decision to end my relationship that I’ve agonized over forever.
7 comments
girl that’s horrible, i’d question the very fabric of reality if my mom who i love so much said she feels bad for the ex who it took so much time to think about. i WOULD say it almost sounds like she believes that you are a steal, but at the same time even if it’s true it shows a complete disregard for you and your feelings. don’t second guess yourself!
You feel upset because your mom is valuing your bf’s feelings over yours. That’s completely legitimate! She is not in the right here.
Recognizing how a breakup can hurt a partner’s feelings, and recognizing how a relationship is no longer in a person’s best interests, are entirely different things. While your mom’s in her right to feel whatever amount of sympathy she wants for him, you’re ALSO in YOUR right to choose your relationships based on your values, interests, feelings, and goals. And sympathy doesn’t overrule that.
If you feel like your mom’s expression of sympathy is either making your decision to break up more difficult, or belittling your personal choice based on what you believe is right for you, you can tell her so.
In the meantime, find social support from other sources, and remind yourself of your own reasons for making this choice. Best of luck, OP.
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I’m just spitballing here, but does your mom have a history of being in relationships with abusive/addicted people? Because she could be codependent, and (no judgement here at all) it sounds like you might be too from how she raised you. This sounds more about how you deviating from the “norm”, which is dysfunctional, threatens her, and is preventing her from having any empathy for you. It sounds like she feels judged in a way by your decision to break up with your bf, when she wouldn’t do something like that in the same situation. I’m not saying you are in the wrong, quite the opposite. Just trying to help you have some perspective so you don’t take it as personally. Although, I know that’s hard to do, especially when it’s your mom. Just food for thought.
She is in the wrong here.
You came to your conclusion, and I think you should follow through with it. You mentioned agonizing over this decision, and it seems like you’ve pursued every avenue to make the relationship work. It’s just not.
Some people have trouble with sunk-cost fallacy thinking – meaning that I spent so much time making this mistake, so I will lose too much if I make a different choice now. You have been with this person since you were a teenager and are now in your mid-twenties; you’ve both likely grown in different ways that you feel are no longer compatible.
There’s a chance your Mom is experiencing a bit of a letdown herself. You’ve been together for 7 years, so she’s probably imagined an upcoming wedding and maybe grandchildren down the road. Not that those things aren’t possible with someone else, but it changes the timeline, and she may need time to accept it.
I hope that once you’ve called it off and have time to focus on your needs, your Mom can see how much happier you are and support you.