This is a follow up to the previous post I made. I want to thank everyone for your responses and resources provided thus far.
I had a conversation with my wife and today I discovered that she was having a panic attack with her therapist and sent multiple audio messages to her friend. I immediately came home from working on renovations at another property to see what happened. After ensuring she was okay I wanted to get into the brass tax of the situation. This is not normal behavior for her and I wanted to know what happened.
She responsed that she feels maxed out with all of my expectations of her and she is strongly wanting to take a break from everything. To repeat what happened from the last post, my mother recently passed away and it opened a door to a slew of new drama. Basically disrespect towards my wife and I since my mother bad mouth us to our family members. My mother hated the fact that I was married and especially to an immigrant which caused me to distant myself from her, but her death was still devastating because I learned that she knew she was ill but decided not to tell me or my siblings and told other family members who are known trouble makers and have been causing drama ever sense. I since disconnected myself from my family until recently my special needs sister reached out from this past weekend.
On top of that I had a property I rented to my family which they left in serious disrepair. It bothered me because I rented the home to them brand new and the trashed the place. So I’ve been working on those repairs and my wife has been right by my side. Originally I was going to hire a full service reality company to take care of everything, but she wanted us sell it ourselves which is how we got stuck in the repairs and my wife became extremely overwhelmed after the second visit, so I’ve been working on it on my own.
We came to the conclusion that her tipping part started when my sister came into town and the house situation. My wife suspects my sister is being abused by my family but we don’t have proof. However she was adamant on taking her in which I am strongly against because I feel my wife lacks the experience of caring for a disabled individual. However she continued to pursue it while I was against it and calling me heartless for ignoring her.
I know my wife is going through a lot but it’s hard for me to feel empathic when many of these issues are self-inflicted and now I feel that I’m being punished with a threat of a break. I already told my wife she’s free to do what she wants and then proceeds to tell me that I’ve been smothering her recently. She saying that I’ve been talking down about her friends and that I’m jealous when she’s around other men. This may be the case but my wife does not hang around the best of people. One of her girlfriends recently cheated on her wife and blamed her wife because she felt lonely while her wife is working two jobs. She also hangs with another friend who used to constantly cheat on her boyfriends before getting married and I don’t trust this particular friend. She has other friends that I adore but they are either far or busy with their own lives. And for the jealously, I am very vocal with how she dresses at work when I know that she has a co-worker who is interested in her and often looks at her in a flirtatious manner. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable with the type of people she’s hanging out with.
And as far as smothering her, I wow two full time jobs and I only have two evenings off. Those evenings I asked to reserve for us because I only see my wife at the most 3 hours during my normal working days. I only do so because I want to ensure we are still making time for each other. She responsed that she is so exhausted from work that she needs time from herself.
At the end, I might be the wrong guy and doing all of these things that has exhausted her, but she asked me to open up to her when my mother died and offered to be my support system. She offered to help me with the house, she was persistent in wanting to take my disabled sister in and then breaks down with all the pressure. I’m not trying to minimize what she’s going through, but I truly feel that this has been all self inflicted and now everything is broken. I don’t know how else to handle things differently and I feel like I am at my wits end.
Any additional advice is greatly appreciated.
4 comments
Your wife WANTS to be helpful in the house renovations, in taking care of a possibly abused disabled family member, working at her job and working on her marriage, but you are correct: she has taken on too much.
If she is not careful, she can go from overwhelmed to having a nervous breakdown. She’s not Superwoman. As much as she wants to help, she has to take care of herself before she can caretake others. It is recommended when one’s mental health is taxed, they need to simplify one’s life and minimize the stressors until she feels capable of tackling more.
Try and talk with her, letting her know you see her heart and her desire to help, but it is hurting her and that’s hard to just stand off and watch and not say anything. It’s like she is drowning in the ocean and panicking, nearly drowning her lifeguard trying to rescue her from choppy seas.
I dont think I read the first post, but perhaps reducing your work hours? Outsource the renovations? Do relaxing, non stimulating activities like sit by the ocean, or lake, or whatever nature is nearby?
And, I’m sorry for your recent loss of your mother. That is a traumatic event, and the shock and fallout from that will be a year before you even realize you are coming out of the fog of loss. You function, but still. Have you even had a chance to properly grieve or is it all go go go?
Give her the break she asked for. Move forward and be a man. Because that’s what we do. My wife is on a thirty day sabbatical from work, and expectations from me. We can not rely on them, they are the weeker vessel. God built us to handle pressure.
You can’t fix her, so don’t try. Just be there to listen and understand enough to show empathy. Give her what she asks for and nothing more as it can make things worse. Help her with what she asks for only. Meanwhile, take care of yourself and make sure you’re happy. If you don’t, she will break you. Go get some hobbies, I started keeping exotic pets and fish. Snake, bearded dragons, and eight fish tanks. This took all my energy away from my wife and issues. You need something in this life. Go be happy and give her a break truly…..
God forbid you do take a break, you better be darn clear even a kiss for another guy and it’s over. There’s no coming back.
She’ll laugh it off. Don’t. This is very very often how another man gets involved then it’s certainly divorce.
She’s saying “break” but I don’t think that’s the solution. Or least living apart that is.
If it were me I’d never move out of my house or my room! She can move while she figures things out.