My husband and I have been married 10 years. We have 3 amazing kids. We had a rough start to our marriage. I had left while pregnant with our first daughter due to constant fighting and being mentally exhausted. He came to me two weeks before the birth. Then 3 months after her birth he left for a job. I followed him later. Hoping to save our marriage.

Fast forward a year and half later. I had miscarriage and was struggling to recover from that. Two months later I discovered he would stay out to crazy hours getting drunk after work and then he grew crazy attached to his phone. One night I got a hold of it and found message to multiple women whom he was having emotional affairs with. I asked if anything else had ever happened. He assured me no. So I stayed. He quit drinking to get drunk and it seemed like he changed. I would find out about drunk incidents with his friends from time to time, but it was never when I was around.

Now we are in the present and two more kids later. I notice him attached to his phone again. Literally sleeping with it. Once again I find that he has an emotional relationship with another woman. One of the same women as the first time. I am devastated.

I confront him, and then he reveals he actually did have a one night stand during all the drunken nights back then.

I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest. For the life of me I can’t figure out why he is telling me now.. but I also am angry cause he robbed me of that decision of how to handle it then. He let me continue our lives.. I feel so disrespected. I just cry myself to sleep most nights. I am at the crossroads of what to do, and I hate conflict. 😭

It’s been 3 weeks since he told me. He has been doing everything under the sun to prove he is changing. He plays worship music all the time, he fixed everything in the house that has needed fixing for months. But it’s the bare minimum in my mind. Honestly it makes me angrier seeing him do these things now. Seeing him doing things he could have done for the past 10 years.

I feel like I am getting love bombed.

How can I continue this relationship? Can trust even be rebuilt at this point? I just feel like I lose no matter what. Is it even a relationship that worth saving at this point?

12 comments

  1. Why’d you guys have so many kids with constant fighting and him drinking and the messaging of other women

  2. Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who has shown themselves, repeatedly, to be a disrespectful asshole?

    My guess is that somewhere in the text conversation with this woman or another, there is mention of sex, so he is trying to get ahead of it and claim that it was only a one night stand. I wouldn’t buy that if it was water and I was on fire.

    If you continue this relationship, I’d seek therapy so that you can figure out how to deal with having an open relationship. If you stay with him, you’re handing him permission to cheat.

  3. Personally I don’t think so. If he had confessed to the 8-year-old one night stand and nothing else had been happening, that would be one thing. It would still be incredibly shitty of him to keep this from you for eight years, but at least it would be a positive thing and you’d know he had changed. But he hasn’t changed; he’s doing the same shit most of a decade later. He’s proven that (1) he can lie and (2) he can do the same thing in the present. That makes it impossible to trust him.

  4. Quietly get your affairs in order, ask for couples counseling in the mean time, then leave him. He has disrespected you more than once, and when people show you who they are the first time, believe them. If it was really a one time mistake he’d have owned it immediately and gone through extensive therapy to work on himself and his adultery.

    There’s a possibility couples counseling and individual therapy works, and that he makes meaningful changes. However, it’s likely he has no desire to actually self-improve, and you need a backup plan in case the time comes that you have to walk away.

    Kids are smart. They pick up on a lot, and modeling this dynamic will affect them long-term. If his behavior continues, and you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them.

  5. Why do you want to continue this marriage when your husband has had several emotional affairs, lied about having sex with someone, and after you forgave him the first time he continued an affair???

    I wasn’t married, but my ex did the same things. Would “change” and then revert back to the same behavior. Every time you forgive him you’re telling him his behavior is okay/he can keep doing it because you’re tolerating it.

  8. He only told you one of one physical encounter. There’s more. Keep looking. You already found some on your own and hopefully saved the evidence. Not only is there more but there is more to come. He’s been cheating your whole relationship and he’s not going to stop just distract you. Privately see a lawyer.

  10. So he broke your trust once, you forgave him and now he has done it again and you want to forgive him again.

    What’s that saying

    Fool me once……

  12. The issue isn’t with forgiveness it’s that you forgave him too easily. He never needed to earn your trust back. He needed to know there were consequences to his actions in the past. But at least you know now and give him the consequences to his actions because without them he’ll continue on with what he’s doing

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