I have known my significant other for about 5 years now and we have a toddler together. Whenever he is in a bad mood he likes to put me down. Jokingly saying, “nobody better talk to me tonight” saying he is leaving for the night, anything I do he explains why he wouldn’t have done it that way. How I am wrong or how I am bothering him when I’m just being nice and happy around him. He never wants to be intimate. He says he loves me but sometimes I wonder if he hates me and I don’t know why. After awhile it breaks me down. I know I’m pretty. I know I’m smart. I know I’m a good mom and partner but sometimes I just start crying after him knocking me down. He is an alcoholic and he stopped drinking but after a few months he picked it up again and I think maybe that’s where his change in mood is coming from? I’m just tired and want to be loved. While I’m in this position though, how do I remember who I am?
Edit, I’m a (35f)
TLDR: how do I remember my self worth when with a partner that doesn’t act like he loves me?
18 comments
Your goal here should not be to figure out how to build yourself up to that you can be a better punching bag for your husband. You want to express your self-worth by refusing to accept behavior that harms, invalidates, or minimizes you. If he is an alcoholic who is drinking, he probably needs to be living away from you and your daughter. Is there an Al-Anon group near you? You would find support there.
You should be with someone who builds you up, not someone who tears you down. Whatever you do to remember your own self-worth will be erased as soon he knocks you down again. That’s no way to live. It’s not healthy. And I’m sure it’s not what you want your daughter to grow up believing is normal.
Have you straight up told him that you don’t like it when he makes jokes at your expense? Who exactly is he telling these jokes to? Say something like, “Hey, if you can’t be symptathetic when I’ve had a hard day and am feeling crummy, can you at least not be mean about it?” and “You don’t get to decide if your jokes are funny or just mean.” And “Do you really want me to treat you like you treat me?”
Talk to him about how this makes you feel. If he’s worth keeping, then he’ll make the effort to change. If he’s not willing to do that, dump him.
that is burying the alcoholic lead! you cannot love someone to sobriety.
most of these aren’t even slightly covered jokes? just meanness for the sake of it.
before i read your post and just the title i was coming in here to say, i grew up in an environment where we joke ‘harder’ (and probably unhealthily!). my husband told me twice – once that i didn’t catch and the second that was very clear – ‘even if they’re jokes, they hurt my feelings’ and i stopped immediately. that’s what loving partners do. they stop hurting the person they love when they are told they are being hurtful.
your toddler is soaking up info every day and very soon they will have memory recall. what do you want to teach them about love, relationships, how men treat women, how parents behave?
dry alcoholics are not the same as alcoholics in recovery. stopping drinking isn’t enough for him to be safe to be around.
How many more times are you going to post here about your alcoholic boyfriend before you take everyone’s advice?
He’s not acting. He doesn’t love you, otherwise, he’d show respect when he talks to you. Sad you had his kid, too.
Get out. You and your kid deserve better than him.
it sounds like he’s displacing his own self hate onto you to make himself feel better.
Do you want to be with someone who puts you down the rest of your life? Do you want to be with an abusive alcoholic the rest of your life? Do you want your child to experience what you’re experiencing ?
I hope you’re brave enough and able to live a life you deserve and leave your situation for your sake and your child’s.
People can change but he isn’t changing for the better right now it sounds like.
I watched my sister go through a similar situation and wasn’t able todo anything for her because she didn’t want to leave him no matter how many times he hurt her.
Please just choose yourself. Choose a better life.
Did you know he was an alcoholic from the beginning?
Seems like he’s pretty comfortable being a downer with himself and with you.
This is his problem but since you’ve built a life together it’s effecting you. Cut the cancer out and enjoy your baby’s childhood. I promise one happy parent is so much better than two miserable ones.
You don’t. Have a talk. Explain it is demeaning and why it’s not acceptable, even as a joke. If it continues. Leave. Cause it will never get better
By walking away? That would show you your worth. Staying in the situation would show to you that you are worth exactly that. It’s not like hes’ going to stop. It’s not like he’s going to one day feel remorse and change.
You should already know that him being an alcoholic and can’t control it isn’t the best choice to go with. Go learn how to be happy on your own first. That’s your real problem.
That’s how you are in this situation in the first place, because you were so desperate to get into a relationship that you would put up with anything
no number of times posting this is going to change the answer miss.
i know it’s hard to accept. but there is no magic fix to turn him into a good person or to make yourself impervious to abuse. you shouldn’t be trying to make yourself a better punching bag for him.
you remember your worth by getting out of there. that’s how. you don’t stay in the abusive relationship. you can’t build yourself up while still with someone actively tearing yourself down. one has to come before the other.
You cannot “remember your self worth” or feel good about yourself so long as you are putting up with this behavior. It is like trying to lose weight while gorging on burgers and shakes in every meal. Those two are going in opposite directions.
In adulthood, we preserve our self worth by honoring ourselves. So if someone (who we chose to share our lives with, that’s key, because that’s different from ignoring an insult from a random stranger) is insulting us and we allow that, that necessarily means We are not honoring ourselves, our inherent human dignity. So in this case, remembering your self-worth would mean you have to take a firm stand and go “your behavior is unacceptable to me and if you don’t change it, I will leave.” If he changes, great! If he doesn’t, HONOR YOURSELF by leaving. And you’ll be better for it.
Just a caveat though, since you have a child. If you feel you can’t take care of the child by yourself and you don’t have other support like from family or friends, then first try to get to a place (mentally, resource-wise, etc) where you are confident that you can do it and then make your move.
>How do I, (34f) remember my worth while in a relationship with a man (41 m) that puts me down with “jokes”.
Jesus Christ. You don’t try to remember your worth, you leave relationships that make you forget you worth.
By leaving someone who doesn’t value you .
Leave him. He’s meant to build you up not tear you down