I’ve never had friends

Socially, I have always struggled to maintain any form of connection of any kind despite being extroverted, friendly, and as nonjudgmental as possible. People will be friendly up front to me, but then after that will seemingly drop off of the face of the earth.

Looking back on instances from my childhood, I vividly remember trying to make friends with the neighborhood kids or classmates at school. As silly and as insignificant as it may seem now, the fact I invited classmates every year to my birthday party only for nobody to ever show up, still saddens me to think about.

As I grew up, any dynamic I walked into hoping for friendship, usually resulted in an uneven dynamic where I was severely hurt or used in some capacity. I always tell myself it’s never anyone’s intention to do that to me, and maybe I’m just sensitive. I just wish I could understand why it keeps happening to me, and it’s caused me to now sit and over-analyze these small opportunities I end up somehow messing up each time.

I sit and think about how I may be the problem, because after all, I am the common denominator in all of these situations. But I’m not violent, I’m never creepy, and for me it’s very easy to keep a conversation going.

Although not formally diagnosed with anything, majority my family members I grew up with speculate that I may have some kind of developmental disorder and that’s why I may not recognize the ways I’m which I’m socially inept. My sister’s friend told her that I am “very hard to read” which was a very hard comment to comprehend. I’m an open book if anyone asks me how I’m feeling, so I’m not sure if that was comment was talking about my facial expressions, hand motions, or something else. When not prompted to talk about anything in particular, I’ll usually find something based in my own interests to share, which is usually space, plants, motorcycles, cars, or aerospace technology.

I do get out and try to be social very often. I’ve gone to night clubs, concerts, cosplay conventions, social clubs, meetups, parties, biker grouprides, formal events. I try to make friends via social media too, although I do prefer more in-person connections.

I’m not sure if there’s any help or advice for me, because I’ve searched for it for so long without any decent answers. I’ve recognized this may just be a journey of finding my own happiness even in the face of being alone. I still try to hold out some optimism for making friends, and I’m glad I have a couple family members around who encourage me to keep trying.

Thanks if you took the time to read this