Hi everyone,
My husband and I had a very bad fight yesterday, and I’m trying to seek some perspective because I’m having a hard time understanding his reaction.
We had couples’ therapy and at the end of the session I mentioned next time I would like us to talk more about physical fitness and being healthier. He immediately bristled (this has happened before when I’ve brought this up…hence why I waited until couples’ therapy). He is very busy and claims he doesn’t have time, when….I live with the man, he does. He’s not obviously out of shape, but as we are starting to get older, I worry about his sedentary lifestyle and long term effects on his health.
He is very much against gyms, which I think was the root of this issue. He agreed maybe going for a run would be doable, but when I pushed again to go to the gym with me and take a fun class, he immediately shot that down and said he ‘hates’ classes. I said “well, how do you know if you hate classes if you’ve never done one?” I also stressed how it would be a fun thing to do together.
This led to a huge explosive fight and I’m honestly stunned, sad, and…at least now, after hours of arguing on and off, apathetic.
Getting into it – the larger issue here is he feels that I’m too critical of him and that I never accept “no”. I can understand what he feels in this regard. Things like cleaning, some of his lifestyle choices, how he is spending and balancing his time…I can definitely make comments, and that’s something I need to work on. That said, I do think some of my ‘criticisms’ are actually constructive feedback, and I would want my partner to look out for me in that way.
The inability to accept ‘no’ usually stems around very minor things (at least I think so). We’ve had other physical activities have this explosive reaction — ie going for family bike rides (he hates bike rides and isn’t willing to compromise even after I ask him and say how meaningful it would be to me), anything related to being outside and by a lake/doing water activities, etc). Also things like restaurants and what we want to do for the day — if we’re not in agreement I definitely push for what I want. I probably get my way more often than not, but not always. I think we just both have strong personalities in that regard.
The last part of this fight was also about me losing things and interrupting him when he’s working to help find them, finish a task, etc. I won’t lie — I always lose my phone/keys, and it’s annoying AF for me, too. But other things I ask him for help on are things to keep our house moving/organizing stuff for our kid to get out the door, etc. I view these all as life’s annoyances but to him it seems like a much bigger problem.
These last few weeks have also been tough given the state of the world, and I think perhaps I’ve overburdened him with some of my angst and anxiety about all that, which probably also contributed to the fight.
I just feel like all of this stuff is incredibly minor and petty to me, but clearly he’s built up a ton of resentment. We’ve had explosive fights like this before but this one felt different, and I’m just not sure how to move forward.
It seems like this is just a fundamental personality clash, and aside from one of us changing our whole personality, I see these fights as being inevitable. In the short term, the only way I can see us avoiding conflict is for me to tone down myself – so yes, this means just dropping all comments or inputs on his life and health, but also just like…not engaging him in any sort of deeper conversation that might ‘burden’ him or stress him out. I also think spending some more time apart is necessary since we both mostly WFH and I think that’s also a big source of our problems. As for my lost items…I will just deal with it myself, which is fine.
It sounds dramatic but I just feel like this fight was the beginning of the end. Neither of us felt heard or understood by the other. Now whenever I think of him I’m either sad or annoyed and just wish sometimes that we had never even gotten married, because we both had to make a lot of sacrifices to make this marriage and our life together work and maybe that should have been a sign that we were trying too hard to make something work that wasn’t right in the first place.
I don’t regret the wonderful kiddo we have together, but if things were different–if we didn’t have a kid–I’m not fully confident we would last. While we love each other, the last few years we certainly haven’t brought out the best in each other. I’m just scared that after this fight, I feel a permanent distance from him that I’m not sure I even want to fix.
Any advice/insight is very welcome.
TL;dr my husband got explosively mad about something something small, and I feel like the only way for us to avoid fights is for me to change who I am, which I don’t want to do and don’t think is a good recipe for a healthy marriage
3 comments
Do you ever just be with him? Do you ever compliment him?
You do sound overly critical.
When one spouse is constantly complaining, it’s hard for the other spouse to do more for them because there is no upside.
Obviously, I only have what you wrote to go on, but my gut tells me when he does do stuff you ask, it’s never enough.
It was small to YOU and he responded. Then you kept on and on, then he exploded because you wouldn’t accept his answer. He feels a certain way about the gym, so stop pushing him to go. It’s really that simple. Maybe ask him to walk with you, NOT at the gym.
I think you could move on, but something tells me you’d never be satisfied.
If he doesn’t want to exercise, then he doesn’t want to. You’re not his mother, and obviously what you think of as constructive criticism doesn’t land that way for him. He doesn’t want it, so don’t give it.
You can have boundaries and expectations about sharing household duties and about complaining–if he isn’t willing to do something to fix whatever he’s complaining about, then you will listen for five minutes and no more, for example. And it’s reasonable for him to help with your child.
And get some air tags.
According to your post and comments, you Just. Don’t. Quit. He can say no until he’s blue in the face, and you just won’t leave it alone. He gave an inch with the cautious interest in running, which you *immediately* took a MILE by badgering him to go to a gym class with you (to which, again, he’d already said no)
You’ve admitted to not giving up on anything until you get your own way, or giving in with bad grace and just bringing it up again later or in ever-so-slightly different terms.
I’m sorry, you sound exhausting.
And then to brush off your constant interruptions of his work to find *your* frequently misplaced items as “frustrating* for you too, but it’s to make things run more smoothly? For YOU maybe. Yeah, ok, it’s be smoother to get the kids in the car (etc…) if you knew where your keys were, but it would be even SMOOTHER if you took some accountability and dealt with your issue in the first place. My ex used to interrupt my work for the same reasons (can’t find my keys, forgot what time Dr appointment is, etc). It’s one of the major reasons I divorced him.
I’m not disputing you may be carrying more of the mental load. And maybe more of the housework. But you’re not getting anywhere with that because you’re too busy browbeating him with criticism about everything he does do and not taking no for an answer on things that shouldn’t matter. If a 40yo man doesn’t want to ride bikes or go to a gym class, it doesn’t matter if it’s because *you think it’s best* or *it’d be meaningful to you* – he doesn’t want to. No means no. If he had some breathing room about your constant pressuring him to do things he’s clearly not interested in, you’d probably get a lot further in therapy about the mental/home workload. But since that wasn’t your main concern in the post or at therapy, don’t throw it in after the fact to make you look more sympathetic. It seems you’re going to have to do some work yourself before couples therapy is effective.
If any man was posting his wife wouldn’t go to the gym with him and she told him no so often she finally got snippy about it and they had a fight, people would rightly be saying NO MEANS NO and to stop being so controlling. And they’d be rightfully told “constructive feedback” is only if/when ASKED for or solicited – did he ask? Are you his professor? No? Then it’s criticism.