Hi all
I (32F) have had an eventful life, grew up in DV, survived false imprisonment and homelessness amongst trying to reach PhD and have healthy genuine relationships. I was the first in the family to distance from our abusive dad. My sister(35), while also abused was his favourite and she was mad at me for cutting him off. Our parents spoiled her and now she’s adopted some narcissistic traits off of dad and fits every point for the criteria of DPD (undiagnosed).
The last 4 years I’ve had chronic illness (heavy metal and mould poisoning), now I’m going through treatment but we only found the problem a few weeks ago. In the meantime sister has now started having sickness, nothing specific maybe some tingling legs, whatever blood pressure issue that was has since been resolved. Due to this she quit her job and now lives solely off of gov assistance and my mum(71) (mum covers ~$800/month). It’d very stressful for everyone but mum’s guilt feeds her dependancy.
Lately I’ve been going low contact with sister as the effort and negativity has been making me sicker and I realised I was enabling her. People have noted her sickness is likely her copying me too. She copies a lot, same doctors, hair cuts, even tries to hang with my friends when I’m not available.
Now that I’ve been trying to keep LC, she’s finding new ways to get to me, sending me personal msgs about recipes (not a thing we ever did), or asking what I do for my treatment etc.
I am trying to create proper boundaries but she keeps crossing them and when I don’t give her what she wants she argues with mum. I want mum to enjoy her retirement and now I barely see her because sister is constantly with her or calling her.
Her behaviour is escalating into behaviours dad would use and I keep warning mum but she won’t listen. I know I can’t make mum do anything she doesn’t want to but sister is saying mum’s life and my relationship with mum.
Not sure what else I can do, is there anything else K can be doing and how do I keep boundaries that won’t then be taken out on mum?
1 comment
As long as your mum is with your sister, it’s a zero sum game. Your sister will meet her emotional needs, whether it’s with you or your mum.
A short-sighted solution would be to increase your availability to your sister, to reduce the burden on your mum. These short-sighted approaches never work. There’s no “enough” for your sister. All you can do is put distance between you and your sister, and spend time with your mum (perhaps you can get to a point where you can really ignore your sister, or find activities with your mum that work without your sister’s involvement. Ideal would be something that your sister’s symptoms would exclude her from – then she has to choose between her fake symptoms (if they are indeed fake – it’s probably worth allowing for the possibility that she’s also sick) and her need for attention.
Long run, all you can do is send a simple, data-driven message to your mum. “This is what she’s like. This is why. If I’m right, here’s what will happen. If I’m wrong, here’s what that might look like. If I’m right, these are the implications for how we can get the best outcome for ourselves, and for her”. She’s going to enable your sister until one of them dies, or until she decides not to, and there’s nothing you can do about it beyond absenting yourself from your sister, while still loving your mum and sister in whatever ways you can, while still protecting yourself.