How many times do you ask for your needs to be met before you end it?

43 comments

1. This is the only time I can get behind “if they wanted to, they would”

   This is a small, easy ask. What about later when you are asking for bigger, more serious things?

   That all being said, how often do you organize to have your needs met – calling him and booking dates?

   To answer your question it wasn’t until years into my relationship when I asked and asked for certain things for literally over a year, and didn’t get them, despite expressing their importance, asking to read relationship books together and therapy. That’s what you can look forward to if they can’t listen to you about small things now.

2. When you call him, does he not answer the phone or are you waiting for him to call?

   If this is your need, you need to take the lead on that, expecting him to just do it and then being disappointed when he doesn’t is why so many of us are still single.

3. Twice. I will tell you once, remind you again, and then I’m uninterested. I have no desire to coach people in a relationship. When I say something, I’m not just saying it, it’s important and I mean it. If they don’t take me seriously with small things, I will never trust them with bigger asks later, so what’s the point?

4. Sounds more like an incompatibility.

5. So.. do you call him?

   Or do u sit and wait for his call?

6. THIS. I very much empathize with this situation. I’ve found it beneficial to try to ask why it’s not happening. It’s typically not a great reason, which can highlight the incompatibility

7. This reminds me of my last relationship. We both traveled a bit but when we were both in town, I could not understand why we would not see each other but for once a week. This was around the 4-5 month mark too. He didn’t even have a job (he owned a hands off business). If I brought it up, he would quickly make plans. But it’s as if he would be totally fine seeing me once in a blue moon otherwise. I remember seeing a guy friend on a Saturday and when he asked me what my ex was up to, I would only have a vague idea but without any real clue. I remember my friend told me that a guy would want to spend his weekends/free time with someone he is exclusively dating and into. But I made some sort of excuse but felt shame.

   I now suspect he was dating other women (or attempting to). I wish I broke things off when I voiced my expectations and he failed to meet them. I told him I needed daily communication and I usually got a 5 second check in text.

   I look back and cringe at myself.

8. Expectations aren’t met. It’s okay. Move on. When he won’t put forth the effort to do the slightest things, someone else will. Never feel stuck. You’ve given it 4 months, it takes 3 months to learn a person. You’ve learned enough. Throw in the towel. Too many people out here for us to settle or stress over.

9. [removed]

10. Im messaging you from the future.

    I could have written this myself five years ago. Guy was shit at messaging and I chalked it up to “lack of relationship experience” and his long busy work hours. Even after asking he didn’t improve. He was 33 at the time and last serious relationship was when he was 21.

    To keep it short he never cared about my needs. He saw my needs as criticisms and never filled them. He wasn’t used to caring about someone else. Wasted 5.5 years of my life before he finally dumped me. I used to read “if he wanted to he would” and thought it couldn’t possibly be true, but now that I’m on the other side, absolutely. Never again dating someone with no experience.

11. Yeah, so my gf of 4 months broke up with me for incompatibility issues. She said she did feel like she wasn’t having her needs be met. From what I gathered, she needed a lot of her space to recover and she didn’t like how “unregulated” I was. The thing is that she is more of an avoidant/ independent type and I tend to be more anxious/ involved. I find recovery/comfort in vibing with someones space. It felt like she wanted someone that she could fit into her existing busy life.

    Point being that, some needs are important and others are grounded in our past conditioning. Maybe this guy is like my ex and needs his solo time to recover. I don’t have an answer other then, “what needs are actually a need” and “what needs are grounded in fear”

    Best of luck.

12. I’m (35F) probably the last person who should give advice on this because in the past I’ve stuck it out for years with unmet needs, convincing myself that I need to “really give it my all and see it through to the bitter end” in order to avoid future regrets 🤦‍♀️ But I’ll say two things:

    1. Asking one more time seems reasonable to me if you really like him. But be sure that when you communicate your needs, you are also being clear that it is a need and not a want; that it’s a relationship deal-breaker for you. Explain the why–how it makes you feel when your need isn’t acknowledged or met, that you fear he won’t take bigger, future needs seriously, etc. Set a boundary and stick to it; if he doesn’t take sincere initiative to step up, he knew the consequences of his inaction and that’s on him.
    2. I don’t completely agree with folks who might say to run bc he’s never been in a LTR, but there’s a caveat. My last relationship (8 years) was with someone who also had never been in a LTR prior (due to his cultural background), and there was definitely a learning curve on his part. It takes a ton of patience and communication from the more experienced partner, and a ton of humility, motivation, and dedication on the part of the newb, so be sure that you both truly like each other enough to sign up for that because it will take both of you being all-in to make it work long-term. It’s also completely okay to not want to take on the project of it all, so don’t let yourself feel any guilt if you decide it’s not what you’re looking for.

    ETA: missing word

13. There’s a huge difference between consistency and expecting a reply at all hours of consciousness during the day.

    A phone call is the easiest thing to do and it literally takes two minutes. Nobody is that busy

14. I think framing it as; this is a pain point between us and one or both people have to do meaningful actions to improve. Effort in a lot of cases can be enough because we are human thus imperfect but can make progress and come closer over time. Sometimes issues can never be solved but at least in my marriage we view those one or two issues as a “self actualization/Maslows hierarchy of needs” pursuit.

    On a random note I do believe there are people out there where you can meet someone and just click. But you can also meet someone and figure out behavior changes to get there too.

    Essentially some soulmates are born and some are made.

15. A few times because we were a year in and I didn’t want to throw it away too easily, but having to ask for basic levels of attention more than once hurts. Eventually ended it. Now he wants to get back together. Claims he’ll have more time for me now somehow. Naw.

16. Two. Third chances should be eliminated from all social interactions.

17. It just sounds like your needs and his capacity aren’t lining up. He probably is a nice guy and a good listener, but I don’t think you should be feeling this much lack four months in.

18. I’m holding a 3yr record at the moment. I’m not going to get what I need so I’ll be transitioning.

19. There are two things I would consider here, speaking as a dude:

    1. On one hand, if you can’t get your needs and request met after 1/2 request in the first 6-18 months of the relationship, it’s doomed. Your first 6 months is when the dopamine effect starts to wear off; your first 12-18 months is when serotonin levels returns to baseline. To answer question 1: after two times seems reasonable to me as a dude.
    2. But have you two actually planned a date to sit down and mutually discuss your *mutual* needs openly and honestly? Have you presented this need to him via Non-Violent Communication? I usually start building a relationship roadmap and needs template starting from Date 4.

    An NVC example: I have my own mnemonics to help me remember things in a pinch.

    – (Orange) Observations: e.g. “I have noticed that we have not talked after five days.”-
    – (Fudges) Feelings. e.g. “It really, really, makes me happy when I get to hear your voice. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear from someone I love”

    – Needs. e.g. “But when I don’t hear from you, I start to get anxious.”

    – (Rum) Request. e.g. “I would like to hear how you feel about this, and it would mean so much to me if we can fix this together.”

    ​

    ​

    The downside of this type of comms is you might also expedite any underlying avoidance issue if the person either is an avoidant or alexithymic. If comes to that, you have to figure out what is the value of the relationship to you.

20. It will not get any better, trust me.
    If they wanted to, they’d already being doing it.
    Sorry sister, it’s a tough lesson to learn. 🙁

21. I was reading a book on boundaries and expectation setting. You should write this down for yourself. Boundaries are like the gates into your house and people are expected to ring a bell if they want to enter.

    I found myself making myself available 24/7 for them but they would talk to me after their work, workout,gym, sleep and everything else.
    You need to be the same. Put yourself first.

    See that they also can abide by your schedule and set boundaries on when you are available.

    In my list, I wrote that communication is a top requirement for me. EVERYONE is busy. I have not met a single 30+ year old who is NOT busy. When I say I am busy, I will 100% get back to the person..the only time i delay is when I have exams even in which case I will tell the precise dates I will get back to them on.

    I have a lot of trauma relating to communication needs so if that’s not met, I’m done. I will say that this is repeating and then I will sit back and see if they are being addressed

    You should not ask for communication any more, if you have already communicated it, he knows. All relationships have a lot of nuances here and there that the other person is well aware and can pick up and respond…if they keep pushing you to the edge where you have to confront them, that’s not healthy for you.

    Don’t say anything, sit back and let the fox run. Even if he does contact you, keep seeing if it is only on his terms or he is also mindful of your schedule. If he doesn’t, let him realize you’ve signed out of the chat and slow fade him out.

    He snoozes , he loses. It is not called ghosting when you clearly mentioned what you need without which a relationship will not work for you and he keeps testing your limits. You can say things verbally twice at max. After which, you check out and find another hotel. Bye bye.

22. As a guy who was in this position before, he isn’t ready to prioritize you either because he just doesn’t want to, or you aren’t the one he’s waiting for.

    I wanted to date women, monogamously, but casually. I had several women break up with me because they wanted more.

    What I didn’t do is string them along, I said, I’m 4 years out of a divorce, I’m enjoying finding myself and being happy with myself. I’d never in my life had a stretch of time alone as an adult, I like you and I like spending time with you, and I’m not sleeping around, I’m just not done doing my thing yet.

    Eventually I met a girl that I wanted to see every minute of the day, so she became my priority. Was it her, the timing, both? I dunno. But he isn’t going to change for you if he hasn’t already.

    Edit: I’ve also been in situations where it was clear I was being kept on the back burner. Noped out of that instantly. I love myself too much to be a plan B.

23. Is he a surgical resident or something? 15 minutes away and you barely see him and can’t get a phone call? Something is definitely up. Ask about it again, but then cut your losses. If someone wants to make you a priority, they will.

24. This is like my last relationship. At the 5/6 month mark we were hardly seeing each other and I felt like I was the only one bothered by this and kept bringing up when we could meet up. I made it clear I wanted to see each other at the minimum once a week and he couldn’t make that work. Would say he didn’t want it to be like that but never made any real effort to coordinate our lives to figure it out. I stayed for months and things just got worse. I got more upset and he got more annoyed and resentful of me for being upset about it.

    I know people have said if you want to talk, then you need to call, which I understand…but you also don’t want to take on all the responsibility of communication and organising seeing each other. You want there to be some initiative and desire to speak to you and see you and it be consistent. Not just a reaction to you being upset.

    I can’t tell you what would be best, all I know is I stayed too long and broke my own heart.

25. I guess the first question is are you making the effort for it to happen? Are you calling him, trying to make plans in person, or are you just leaving it to him?

    Secondly, has he also said what he wants/how he feels about what you want? Is it something he’s agreed to but not followed up on, or has he expressed different preferences?

    Because ultimately, while stating your needs is great, it’s only the start of a conversation, and whether it is worth pursuing or not, whether it’s a lack of compatibility, experience, or whether there are other issues at play, depends on the whole conversation.

26. Are you calling him when you want to hear his voice? Are you walking over to say hi?

    Because if not, this might not be a need issue.

    There is a difference between need (I need to communicate regularly) and there is an internal meaning (if HE’S not going to call ME, It means he doesn’t care about me).

    That’s quite different. If it’s your fears or anxious attachment, that’s a deeper issue to take a look at.

27. I tried to talk to my last partner about how much he never asked questions, derailed my stories, and generally gave what I had to say less emphasis for 2 years, but apparently that meant nothing to him and it never got better. After 2 years I saw that it had eroded the intimacy in the relationship and stunted its growth, and I saw what topics he considered more important. So I left him. How many times can you communicate that you feel a lack of genuine curiosity before its clear he just doesnt care to address your concerns?

    If this early in the relationship hes already not trying, not showing interest, not invested it will NOT get better.

28. BYE

29. ask them what would make them happy re: talking or seeing each other. maybe there’s some kind of compromise? maybe they don’t like talking on the phone? worth having a convo with them about it, if you feel so strongly about this that you’re not willing to compromise then maybe you have to tell them you’re thinking of ending things because they feel too distant for you. leave it open, maybe.. “i’m worried you don’t share my interest in regular communication and that’s very important to me” or “I feel like maybe we’re drifting apart or we don’t have that spark” and see if they agree or if they want to make a change to try and better accommodate you. I think the best thing to do is try to accommodate each other though, not simply demand behavior.

30. Sounds absolutely reasonable. I too would do the same. Especially if you want a closer type of relationship. Sounds like I’m looking for the same as you.

31. I no longer find that type of relationship attractive. It doesn’t mean they aren’t a great listener or companion, but not meeting my basic needs that are reasonable just kills my romantic attraction and interest.

    Some of the best dating advice I’ve heard is to take your focus off the man/woman and look at the relationship and how it makes you feel. When we focus on “he’s such a great guy” we can lose sight of the bigger picture. If you’re unhappy dating them or not getting basic needs met it’s not a great relationship for you.

    Remember, the question isn’t “is he a great guy?” The question is “are we good together? Do I feel good in this relationship? Are my needs getting met?”

32. If it’s early stages, i might give a couple chances and then my interest is gonna bounce. I spent way too many years of my life with people who never heard me

33. Just split with someone for the same reasons. I stuck it out for 6 months and I think I gave it a fair try. I brought up my wants/needs frequently, but after no positive changes, I just decided it had gone on long enough. If they want to, they will.

34. > Have you ever been able to make it work (well) when you have to remind someone of your needs repeatedly?

    No.

    §

    My last girlfriend (who lived a few hours away and with whom I’d generally spend one week a month) admitted she was a bit anxious and said she’d really love it if we could talk every day.

    I figured out a time when we both had breaks in our work schedules and immediately set a repeating reminder on my Google schedule every single day. I called her almost every single day and we always let the other know in advance on the rare occasions we couldn’t keep our ongoing phone date. I did it because I loved her and I enjoyed talking to her every day too.

    With technology these days what you’re asking is very easy to do.

35. I wasted a year for the same ask. I gave him a year bc he was going through so much. In the end, I’m glad I ended things (realized how todos he was) and he ended up blocking me on everything. Still unsure as to why that is but whatever. Honestly I believe the “if he wanted to he would”. If he wanted to call he would call you. The way he’s treating you now is how he will treat for the rest of your relationship. If a simple call me on the phone every 2-3 days for an hour so I can hear your voice is too much of an ask now then what will happen in the future? What will you have to sacrifice in the future if this relationship continues?

36. Gotta cut loose, maybe explain it’s starting to become a deal breaker. But also know, it’ll probably slip right back into that.

    Personally call/meet wise I’m fine with calling before/after work (at least by the 2 monthish mark, maybe more or less). But I personally can’t deal with seeing someone only once or twice a month. I work 16 hours without a phone and still can message or call the girl I’m seeing.

37. Consistent communication for most people indicates interest and in between seeing them it maintains a connection.

    A 10 minute phone call because she desires to maintain a connection isn’t that difficult, however it will be for a person who 1. isn’t interested 2. Doesn’t have the emotional intelligence or bandwidth or 3. Is preoccupied and lacks intention.

    I would say let it be known and if it’s really bothering you, break it off. Your love languages and communication styles do not match, he is also not willing to put intention behind his actions to try to match it. It’s not a good fit.

38. He is not as invested as you in developing a committed relationship. Personally, I would cut him loose and move on.

39. I hope you communicated your needs and what you want and how you want to go about things between you two. I don’t give him hints ( us men aren’t the best with hints… terrible mind readers) communicate exactly what you want and if he sticks to and and follows along it will work if not then you know from inconsistency that he is not your person. Best of luck with that. Dating is Not easy !

40. There are people who are simply motivated to make their partners happy and enjoy the relationship with them. Just date those people.

    Years, even months, of enduring stuff like this just makes for broken single people, later.

41. How is he an amazing listener when he has to be reminded repeatedly you’d like to hear from him more frequently? Sounds contradictory to me.

42. You said that he said he feels the strongest about you compared to others he’s dated. I find that odd.. I truly think if you like someone you’re going to want to talk to them every day within reason. I don’t know if it’s a “well, I feel strongly about her over anyone, but… it’s still not strong enough” that’s how I read that. I don’t think you’re wrong in wanting more from a relationship.

43. I think that is responsible. We all have our own needs and expectations/standards in a relationship. This definitely doesn’t seem like a lot, you just want some degree of communication in order to sustain the emotion connection between two busy individuals. I agree with some fellow commenters and believe in the concept of if they wanted to, they would. I usually try to avoid this and be understanding, but honestly, I do believe and have seen this. If a guy is truly interested in making this work, they would compromise and they would want to talk to you! I have had matches where I put so much effort to keep the conversation going then I got annoyed/tired I gave up. Whereas, I have had matches where I felt tired but they kept trying and it touched me to continue trying lol. I eventually realized those who didn’t try were just not the one.

    My previous relationship was with a medical student and despite his busy schedule, he would make an effort to call or text me daily understanding LTR was challenging. Even if we didn’t have a long conversation, we’d FaceTime while he was on break and such. For me, quality is more important than quantity. If I get quality, I often don’t need quantity. But when quality is suffering, I find myself seeking quantity. I have countless of men who could barely hold a conversation and their excuse was busy schedules and etc. I myself am also a busy individual but if I valued someone I’d make time for them. Yet, I have had busier men make the time for me. I also don’t ask for much, but if someone cannot take 5 mins to text me a day or call me or whatnot, I just don’t like wasting my time and energy anymore.

    Lack of dating experience can also play a factor. The more you date, the more you know what the other side wants. Men and women typically seek different things in relationships.

    I think it depends how many times you’ve spoke to him about this and how much you like him. You have to weigh the pros and cons and ask yourself if he’s worth it. I’ve had friends who loved a guy so much they’d tolerate this behaviour with the risk it doesn’t improve. Me being in my late 20s and sooooo tired of this behaviour, I’d probably say it once or twice if they don’t improve, I’d see it as incompatibility and move on if we’re in our early stages of dating. But again, my tolerance is so low now lol. I don’t need a lot of communication on my end, I find I’m pretty satisfied with one short quality chat a day, text or phone call.

    A compromise could be also talking every other day and seeing if that meets both your needs? Then you’re both meeting in the middle if you really like this guy. Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong. It depends what you want and are okay with. Good luck!