I’m at my wits end with my 12 year relationship.
For context, we dated through college, he helped me financially when I was unable to work at the time and he was ok with helping and all that.
Fast forward to now, he’s become completely selfish and forgot the team mentality. He has anger outbursts constantly and takes zero accountability for it. He’s lying to his job and won’t find another one to fix that situation, and now he’s picking up a gambling habit.
Lately we’ve had expensive car fixes, a senior dog needing medical attention and he’s paid for it when I don’t have enough. (He broke my car radio by slamming his fist in it and lost his shit when I told him to pay for it to be fixed.) he also broke his company cars radio for the same reason…but I’m always grateful when he does pay for shit when I cant, but a lot of times it’s a drop in his bucket so to speak. He never *doesnt* have money, but I’m being completely zeroed out every month after paying everything I need to pay. He still has this 50/50 mentality when we made the same amount 6+ years ago, but now we aren’t even close but expects exactly half from me for everything. He’s also pissed that I have to be on his insurance and just “forgets” to add me back on, so I also have no insurance on top of it all and I need to go to the doctor but I can’t.
I’m working two (art related) jobs trying to make enough to pay my bills, all that I need help with is food/groceries and that’s it. It’s the same food he also eats, but I’m constantly screamed at, bitched out, and told to “handle my own shit” all the time. There’s rarely a day I do t hear that at some point. He tells me all the time that he wishes he could live separately or move back in with our parents to get our ducks in a row. I can’t afford to live alone right now, and moving back to my parents isnt an option. If I happen to buy something small that I want, Im crucified and have to sneak shit. If I buy some small sweet for myself, he eats it and says he’ll replace it (and doesn’t).
Initially he wanted me to be able to pay all my bills, and I do. But now that isn’t even enough either. I cry constantly because he’s become a completely different person that I don’t even know. It rips me up because he used to be so supportive and helpful but now I feel like I’m bending over backwards just so I don’t get bitched at until I’m in tears everyday. He has anger problems but doesn’t think it’s enough ti get therapy when it is. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do anymore because he refuses to acknowledge my own fucking humanity.
TLDR: my partner keeps expecting more from me financially and I’m doing everything I absolutely can but it’s never enough, all the while him having an anger and gambling problem.
11 comments
“He broke my car radio by slamming his fist in it ”
“he also broke his company cars radio for the same reason…”
“I’m constantly screamed at, bitched out,”
“He has anger outbursts constantly”
Seems to me you are staying with this looming catastrophe due to being financially dependent in him. You really need to be worrying about being able take care of yourself, not trying to salvage this relationship.
Also if you can’t afford insurance even for yourself why are you paying expensive care for a dog?!
I wouldn’t agree that money is the culprit here. Instead, it’s merely a symptom of some much bigger problems.
He has anger issues, he’s become a gambling addict and, most of all, your couples communication is almost non-existent. If you want my take on it, you got together at 18, meaning it’s unusual you’ve lasted this long. But it sounds like it’s been a steady deterioration that you’ve adapted to without realizing it.
Ask yourself: If you were to meet him today as the single version of your 30 year old self, would you want in on this? I tend to think not.
Honey, how much longer are you going to hold your own life and wellbeing hostage in order to keep this man in your life?
The issue isn’t money. The issue is *him*.
It’s time to start working on a plan to leave, whether that means living with roommates elsewhere or with friends. But you *cannot* stay.
Help him pack his stuff so he can move back in with his parents. You should focus on your finances, an exit plan on how you will take care of yourself without the 30 year old toddler, a way to get health insurance if you can and your mood/life will instantly improve without the 30 year old toddler dragging you down
This sounds like an amazing relationship. I can see why you’re putting up with all of this shit to be with him.
>he refuses to acknowledge my own fucking humanity.
If this isn’t an instant dump then what is?
You should have thrown him out of your life with a catapult when *”he refuses to acknowledge my own fucking humanity.”* That is the low baseline of not being a sociopath behavior, not merely being a boyfriend.
Find a room in a house/apartment with someone else, this is completely not worth it.
People who break shit when they are angry are dangerous. First is the car radio then it’s your face. There is no good reason to stay in a relationship with someone who can’t control their fists.
I can imagine how hard it must be to imagine leaving a 12-year relationship. You’ve been with him your entire adult life! How scary to think of being without this person!
But what if you knew that five years, ten years, twenty years from now, things will be exactly as they are now? He still is refusing to help you financially, he’s still breaking things in anger, he’s still refusing to acknowledge your humanity: is that what you want for your future self?
You deserve so much better. Your future self deserves much better. You have spent twelve years learning about yourself and this man and love and the world; take that learning experience and launch yourself into a new life, where you can find someone who loves you and appreciates you and doesn’t break things like a toddler.
My jaw dropped when I read that he slammed his fist into the car radio, and that’s before I read that he did the same thing with the company car’s radio. Please get away from this person, OP. This isn’t normal.