I am a 38/m, my wife is 36/f. We have been married for 9 years. We have an 8 year old and a 3 year old. We started dating in high school, so in total have been together for 20 years or so. The last 3-5 years have been tough. Tons of arguing. She was terminated from her nursing job for bullying around 3 years ago(after getting through covid). We agreed she would take a year off and take care of the kids while I worked. She attended therapy and she felt like she got to the bottom of a lot of her issues and stopped attending. Fast forward, she is now a director of nursing at a smaller facility. She is constantly overwhelmed and diagnosed with ADHD (since I met her 20 years ago). She is medicated on Adderall and is constantly running out of her prescriptions. Smokes a lot of weed, juul, and also THC oils. The root of several of our arguments generally starts with her over reacting on the kids and yelling. Mostly driven from her time anxiety. I will step in to help(I’m already there helping) and request that she calms herself down, because the kids are upset and she will not stop the banter. This has resulted in explosive anger from her and telling me I don’t support her. I end up needing to remove myself because she does not seem to stop the arguing and I do not want it to continue to occur in front of our kids. Arguments will then turn into an emotional dump of her resentments where I can’t even get a word in. She’ll bring up things I’ve done in the past, vacations I took in my 20s with friends, and any mistreatments she can remember. I fear she is abusing her meds to stay on top of work and that this is what is driving the anxiety to a new all time high. I have tried to approach her about easing off of Adderall and I am met with great resistance because she is highly dependent. Her family has a rampant history of serious addictions. Her diet is poor. Little water, lots of soda and snacks, and she barely finishes meals. She does do yoga in the mornings.
I am not perfect myself, I come from a family where I was loved conditionally and both of my parents would argue to the point where police would intervene. This is constantly analyzed by her in our arguments and the rest of my childhood as what seems to be digs at me. I have sat in Ayahuasca circles and have used psychedelics to help with my understanding of my past. But never sit down therapy. I have been trying to help out more around the house to ease her. Pickup and drop offs for the kids. More house cleaning. I prep dinner every day.
After our last blow out, she wants a divorce or for me to move out. At this point I’m just tired of it and I don’t really know what to do. I can’t stand behind her screaming at the kids until they cry. I feel like divorcing would be better for my kids so they don’t need to see us fight. Thoughts on any of this? I feel so lost on what to do. She told me therapy won’t work because I will “hand pick” a therapist after telling me to find us a therapist just days before
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My wife and I have been together for about the same exact amount of time and are also “high school sweethearts”.
We started scheduling “decompression time”, this is a 1-2 hour block that is scheduled in advance where we just lay or sit right next to each other, and snuggle/cuddle as we talk about our day, the things that bother us, and just openly and honestly communicate. If sex happens because of it or we are both in the mood then it happens but its not required or expected.
This could also be very beneficial to your marriage right now, as would couples therapy, and possibly a date night once every 2 weeks were the in-laws or a babysitter watches the kids while you and your wife just enjoy the night out and reconnect like you did back in high school.
Remember what brought you two together, you can bring that back, you can find out if that “spark” is still truly there.
get the divorce. you spend more time trying to protect her from the kids or protecting her from herself that you are not happy. seems to be as if, she dont love herself and bullies you and the kids as a way to feel in control. she have no power and her only way of feeling power is making other feel smaller than herself. jsut end it you cant save everyone.
As someone who was diagnosed with ADHD only a few years ago and have made great progress with the issues I have surrounding it, it sounds to me like she is doing nothing in terms of helping herself. Are you sure she has ADHD? I’m no expert and I know Adderall can be incredibly addicting, but usually that is for people who DONT have ADHD. Again, I’m not an expert but from what I’ve looked into and the amount of people I know that have ADHD and are medicated they aren’t running out of their script before the month is up, in fact most of us have more than we need because we forget to take it lol. As for being overstimulated by the kids, anxiety with time blindness, all of these are things she has to work on, be willing to work on, and actually put the work in and things can and will get better. It sounds like she isn’t doing much at all to help herself between her med use, diet, and lack of desire for therapy there isn’t much you can do in this situation. I dont like jumping to the D word but you can’t make her change, only she can do it and it will only be successful if she is doing it for herself.
Dude, it’s best to just divorce and protect your kids while they’re still young. Otherwise, staying with her will cause a greater damage to the kids later on.
Okay, real talk: are you doing your fair share?
Or do you both work full time but then she gets to go home and run the house, too?
It’s likely that you need to leave with the kiddos.
But before you go there sit down and write out a list of everything you both do.
Is she just tired?
I hate to say it, but from what you have posted, your wife is one hot abusive mess. Save your sanity and end it.
Your kids would benefit from at least one safe and healthy household. Right now, their home is not a place with love.
Tell her if she wants out, SHE can move out. It sounds like it would probably be best for you and your kids. They shouldn’t have to be exposed to that kind of behavior. Good luck, my friend.
UpdateMe
If she actually has ADHD I don’t think she should be abusing adderall, it’s speed if you don’t have it. And super addictive, loved to take it. It should be focusing her and calming her down, not giving energy bursts.
I would work diligently to get 100% custody of your children. Otherwise she’s going to fuck them up for life.
She sounds like a disaster. I would keep track of all of this and use it for custody, she doesn’t sound like a healthy and safe parent and her being a nurse bully didn’t end at her job, it sounds like she’s a mean explosive person in general. Her screaming at your kids isn’t okay and abusive. Best thing is divorce her and get your kids therapy.
It sounds like she learned bullying at work is off limits so she brought the behavior home.
So sorry you’re dealing with this! It sounds like this has turned really toxic, so it may be best for you all to at least separate while you work on your issues individually. You can always get back together, if it works out that way, but being that you have small children, you definitely don’t want them around all this mess. Your wife sounds like she may have a substance abuse issue (I’m a clinical social worker whose worked with addiction), so hopefully she can seek help and guidance for this before she jeopardizes her career and livelihood.
You both need to heal and deserve peace while doing so. Wishing you the best OP.
THC counter acts adderall, she needs to decide between one or the other. Stop asking what she needs help with and start doing. It’s your family and household as well you should know what needs to get done.
A drug addiction would be a deal breaker for me. If she won’t help herself there is nothing you can other than protect yourself and the kids. Substance abuse is very bad among health care workers. I know nursing is stressful career but if she can’t do her job without abusing drugs she needs to find something better suited for her.
I wouldn’t say divorce but I would say separation. For her to get better she needs to hit rock bottom, and if she sees she could lose her family over it might make her realize she needs help. You also need to find out who is suppling her. Where I live you can only get Adderall in a 39 day supply no exceptions. She’s either buying it off someone or stealing it from patients and people like your wife make it harder for those with actual ADHD to get their medication.
Hey friend, sorry y’all are in this tough season. It does sound like your wife needs help. My gut is that she learned all this behavior from her own parents and handles stress in very similar ways. I think you admitted to some of that yourself in the op. I don’t think divorce is the answer at all. Not for the kids and not for you and not for her. You don’t know that you’ll win custody. You definitely don’t want your kids to see that you gave up on her. And your wife needs help. And help = a husband that’s going to fight for the family. That fight may mean that you set boundaries, which will be tough and cause her to lash out in the short term. That fight may mean that y’all get to counseling, be it individually, marital or all the above. And yeah, that “fight” may even end in divorce. But don’t get to the divorce part without moving through the fight part. Because that unfought fight will follow you, follow her and follow your children to all your future endeavors/relationships if left unresolved. I’m sorry that the hard part is going to get harder before it ends; but avoiding it helps no one and is the temporary solution. She’s got anger issues. She’s got drug issues. Working to resolution on that stuff together and with therapists is precisely the type of behavior you want your kids to see y’all work through so they can see how it’s done and help y’all break the cycle.
Prayers friend.
Have her select the therapist.
The likely uses the weed to help with the tension she may feel after she uses the adderall. Adderall increases irritability and anxiety. Weed makes you wanna relax so when something stressful happens, she may be more prone to over reacting
She would benefit from taking less adderall (taking it as prescribed), learning skills for adhd like time management and overstimuli regulation, and cutting the weed out. Also exercise regularly if she isn’t to release tension in the body. Also nicotine is a stimulant too. The more stimulant use the more tension = more anxiety = more irritability. Less is more here
I wish you the very best so you can make the right decision for yourself. Just wanted to offer you sympathies and prayers.
I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation and appreciate that you recognize that relationships are comprised of 2 broken people. If she had a good experience with her former counselor, is it possible for the 2 of you to work with that person now?
And it is hard to read about what your kids are experiencing through her interactions with them without being concerned for them. Would you be concerned for the well being of the kids if you removed yourself from the household? Maybe she needs to take a break from the responsibilities of marriage and parenting to get herself together?
Your wife is trying to fix her issues by getting rid of you, even though you aren’t the problem. If you seperate, you have no other option than to take custody of your kids. With you gone, she just may start blaming your kids for the way she is feeling. This would be very bad for them.
Her ADHD is severely out of control and the adderal clearly isn’t working for her. If she’s not willing to talk to her psychiatrist about alternative treatment options and if she isn’t willing to do more intensive psychotherapy or even cognitive behavioral therapy, it’s best you seperate from her and have full custody of the kids. As someone with late diagnosed ADHD, it’s very important to be self aware enough to make sure the downward spirals that come with it minimally effects those around us if we can help it. If we can’t it’s our responsibility to recognize when we need help and to seek it out.
Before you two head to divorce court, ask your wife if she’s ever had her thyroid levels checked. Irritability is a symptom Hyperthyroidism and the condition itself has several overlapping symptoms with ADHD. If those tests were never run, I highly suggest she requests it.
What about the children if you divorce? Would it be worse for them w/o you there to intercept? Also, can you put a word in with HER doctor about her, saying you are concerned….
Get her in with a specialist before a calling it quits. She’s on a cocktails of meds and substances, and I promise it’s making her act crazy.
If she could detox and start over, you might have a new person.
I think you guys just need more help. And alone time.
With each other and yourself.
She needs a break. And you need one too.
Often times we just aren’t mature enough to understand that we have families and it’s hard. The cleaning, the cooking, the management, the constantly evolving needs and demands of children. Laundry. Dishes.
She’s drowning. And you are too.
She’s yelling? Take the kids to the park.
Give her a hug and tell her the truth, yelling is hurting the kids and you. Tell her I’m going to take the kids out for one hour, or two, and in the mean time she’s need to get it together. Wether it be making dinner, watching ONE show, taking a NAP. Or eating snack alone.
And tell her when you’re upset she needs to do the same for you.
When she brings back pasta resentments give her what she needs. Your attention and an apology. And a simple “I know it must have been hard for you, me being gone with kids, I don’t know if I ever told you how much I appreciate it”
She’s fighting you because she wants some resolutions and change. You gotta do more then meal planning, and cooking. You gotta be 50/50
And you need to talk to her about what are your goals in a marriage? What are goals she has for herself and what are goals you have for yourself.
Make her see and feel not alone in the home, in the marriage, raising the children, and the possible future.
Make room for romance and date nights. YOU GUYS HAVE TO INVEST IN YALLs RELATIONSHIP.
Hire a maid once a week. Or once a month.
Plan to do things that bond y’all together as a family.
The devil is always trying to make it seem like marriage and kids are a burden when they are a joy if you pour into to it.
Marriage and children just don’t “go” smoothly, you have to drive your marriage, and your family in the right direction. You want happy kids? Purposefully create memories, teach them lessons, and mold them into amazing humans- it will not happen on their own.
You want a happy marriage? Two people and sometimes it’s one person for awhile- and it goes back and forth until the marriage matures- two people decide to continue their marriage with purpose, goals, intention, and a drive for a future.
Tell her, you want to be old with her, one day the kids will be gone, the house will be empty and it will be sad, but y’all did a real go of it. Tell her you want her, even in this shit state she’s in. Tell her that a divorce isn’t going to fix her anger.
But therapy together could, her getting some help could, having more good memories then bad memories could, having some time to be her own person could, having dates with you could, spending real quality time with the kids could.
Having real conversations written down, and solutions prepared would. I have noticed fights about the same things or the past (adhd ppl forget the conversations because the feelings feel the same) so writing them down and having “fight book” helps. Because I have adhd and literally forget so I keep a diary. It helps. But have a notebook, and hash out those old feelings and you apologize, she apologizes, and y’all sign it.
Now if she’s having some serious mood issues-
Take saffron extract (Amazon) I’ve been taking it- if I don’t it’s actually a pretty noticeable difference in my mood.
She needs to sleep more.
And if y’all took a family walk together or she walked for thirty minutes a day with music – it will help her tremendously with adhd moods and hyper anxiety.
Also when she’s angry, hugging her, tightly, letting her cry, telling her you love her. Telling her she’s okay will do a lot.
But she can’t hurt her children. She just can’t. So when that’s over do the same, with expectations she also hugs the kids too.
And for you?
You need to be easy on yourself. Read some self help books- or audio on marriage and or child raising so you can have some ideas.
And hopefully one day soon, your wife will see the tremendous effort you made to make the marriage work.
Show her, tell her-
It’s hard being the “man” one day I hope you get a break too.
$10 days she’ll beg you to come back. She falsely believes *you* are the problem in her life. She’s soon about to find out that’s a lie.
Before you leave be sure to nicely tell her that…but she needs therapy to figure out her own shizza.
If verbal abuse to kids is happening, consider a VRM in the House to listen. It is your home and your children. Her yelling at kids can give you great leverage if this goes full D. Her attorney will say she doesn’t want a judge hearing that so settle.
While some might say that’s a cheap shot it is not. OP should do anything to keep his children from abuse. It might get her into therapy.