When we meet my wife parents, her mother is always framing her husband in a subtle but in my opinion very degrading and humiliating way he does not deserve at all. E.g. we go to eat breakfast and we all go to sit on the table and she is like ‘Peter! Get out of bed! We are all waiting for you!’ And then talking to her daughters ‘We always have to wait for him! You can’t rely on him. We all know that we wanted to have breakfast at 9. The kids are waiting already 2 hours. He knows that we need to go somewhere after’. And so on. And her 3 daughters go along with it.
In my experience he is reliable and you can just talk with him and agree on what to do or when and where, no problem. The only reason why he behaves as he does is that he is fed up with the bad framing and decided not to fight it but accept and ignore it as the reality. He doesn’t really respond to it and just comes out of bed when he likes, confirming the prejudices.
How do I respond to my mother in law? I can’t just sit next to it and let it happen. I despise the degrading tone and bad framing she does without ever admitting it. She keeps on signaling very strong that she thinks it is normal how she treats him. Our relation is good enough that I can say something to her, but what is a good approach to deal with these returning situations?
Also my wife tend to copy this kind of behaviour towards me and I have already told I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour towards me. How do I prevent her from falling in the same pattern without being the angry outsider who doesn’t understand.
Thank you!
9 comments
He needs to find his balls and put her shit in the curb.
Mind your business about your in-laws. The only people who know what really goes on in a marriage are the people in it. He accepts it, so it’s not your place to say anything. If you do, you might find both of them mad at you. Him more than her probably
That said, your MIL has modeled this behavior to her daughters and so your wife thinks to do it towards you. Sit down with your wife and discuss it. It may take her some time to break the conditioning, so give it a couple months. Past that she may need counseling.
Say nothing to her mama, but if your wife disrespects in front of the family, check her right in front of her mother, yep
You can’t fix any of this. No matter what you say , this cycle of disfunction will continue. He is allowing it… is what you don’t get. He would have left long ago if this was a no go. Now.. you have bigger issues. If you don’t draw the line in your own relationship, this as could be your future or a divorce.
Have to agree with the info above – this is not yours to fix. The most you can do is to choose to distance yourself from the situation. Trust me, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this behavior either. But, again, not yours to fix.
Fact is, he accepts the behavior. Somehow, someway, he’s made this acceptable, and that sucks for all who have to hear it.
You can challenge if you’re ready for the consequences: “you know, I find him incredibly reliable”, “he’s been nothing but kind and generous to me”, etc. make it about you and your experience though. And if she balks, she’s the one to avoid.
Your MIL’s behaviour is hers to fix and her husbands to stand up to. Your wife growing up thinking this behaviour is normal and displaying it herself is your problem.
MY ex MIL was exactly this way with all men, derogatory, demeaning, and degrading. In the 18 years I knew her she must have had at least 9 or 10 boyfriends. All of them left for the same reason and she never accepted that it was her behaviour and the way that she spoke to them that was the problem.
My wife often showed the same type of behaviours once we were married and I had to gently let her know that it was not normal or right to speak to me this way. However it was the model that she was brought up with and she couldn’t break the habit. Even if her friends pointed out to her that she shouldn’t speak to me in such a manner she never saw the issue. Eventually the few moments of speaking to me in such a manner became her constantly speaking to me in that way, in public and behind closed doors, so I left (probably many years too late). I realised that she was never going to change.
So my advice to you is to mention to your wife that you don’t like the way that your MIL talks about her husband. Make a habit of showing distaste for this behaviour and if she starts to display that behaviour herself, gently remind her that it is not normal and that you will not stand for that.
Make sure that you get that established now because old, ingrained, models of behaviour are hard to break. If you don’t make it known that you find that behaviour intolerable then you could be looking at your future right in front of you.
„You make your bed, you sleep in it.“
“He just come out to bed when he wants just confirming the prejudgements”?
That man has 3 daughters and you talk like he’s a teenager who is lazy in a Sunday. How old is him? 40? 50?
Tell him to adult up (in case you wanna take part in something that’s far from being your duty as a new member of the family) and take responsibility. You are focusing in the hand pointing out the moon instead the actual problem.
Dont. That aint your fight. What id do is get your girl to either step up for her father or at the very least to not join in.
That fight has prolly been going for years. You really cant just join it. It will prolly make things worse for the guy.
But yeah, you can improve your girl’s behaviour. That is a huge no no to me.
I can respect that you wanna help your FIL if you had a HTHT with him and knew his side of the game and trying to improve. But sounds like a hard no.
What you’re doing here is simple: you do not like condescending tones towards the men and you don’t wish for that to happen.
Well the truth is, you just have to not allow your own relationship to go anywhere near the mould that allowed this to happen. Just be a responsible, communicative partner who listens and understands and works on himself to improve so your wife feels blessed to have you every single day.
HAPPY ENDING!