When I (22F) first started seeing my current boyfriend (23M) and going on dates with him, I saw a girl commenting all over his social media (main and private accounts) and even saw this same girl texting him late at night. I eventually found out this girl was an ex. Then, after dating for a few months, I leave for 6 months to go to Europe. We weren’t officially together, but while I was writing him postcards and trying to stay in communication, he ended up ghosting me completely. I forgave his ghosting as he explained it to be a miscommunication and I ended up getting into a relationship with him when I got back and have been with him ever since. While we’ve been in a relationship, he’s explained his toxic relationship he had with his ex and how she broke his heart and really hurt him. A year in, he finally tells me that he got back with his ex while I was abroad (which explains the childish behavior of ghosting me). But shortly after, she ghosted him (ironic) and ended things which I assume is what prompted him to start reaching out again. I’m now in a very loving and safe relationship with him, I trust him that he would never go back to his ex because of how toxic it was, but I can’t shake the feeling that I was a rebound and a second choice. He didn’t care about me the way I did about him. He didn’t even respect me enough to inform me he had moved on and just ghosted me to be with her. What would have happened if she never ghosted him? Is he still torn up about it and in love with her? I’m so far deep into this relationship and this feeling of being #2 to another woman pops up maybe every single day. Everything else about our relationship is perfect but this one issue causes so many problems. He still hasn’t really admitted, apologized, acknowledged that situation and gets really defensive when I communicate that insecurity with him. I think he doesn’t admit to choosing her over me and ghosting me because obviously it was a dumb mistake that didn’t work out and probably retrospectively regrets his decisions and wishes he’d act differently. I just don’t know what to do or how to make myself feel better about the situation. I don’t want to break up with such an amazing man that feels like my soulmate because of something that happened two years ago that I can’t get over, but at the same time, I can’t live with this huge anxiety and insecurity every single day of my life.
TL;DR: Boyfriend chose ex girlfriend in the beginning of our relationship and I still have constant anxiety about it
4 comments
I understand where your coming from. I’m sorry!
If he can’t own up and apologize, I would think about spending my life with someone who is immature and refuses to take responsibility for hurting you.
I also wouldn’t wait around thinking when the ex calls him, he’ll go running back to her.
I see you care a lot for this relationship, but it is not a minor thing to be upset about. It was a good sign he confessed. But it has to be continued with maturity on his side to work it out. That is what would make him worthy of words like amazing man, etc. I understand that the ex was erratic and that it was hard for him. And that you were not official-official, but he knew what he was doing and that you started having feelings. He dragged you in this. Regardless how his ex was, it was still him deciding. He needs to show he owns his mistakes and respects you.
I totally get how you would feel that way. The question is, how much are you willing to tolerate? You shouldn’t have to push your feelings down and repeatedly have to ask this man to consider your feelings. That’s a big red flag in my opinion. You should be able to talk to your partner about EVERYTHING. They might not always see eye to eye, but they should be respectful of where you’re coming from and be willing to talk about it in a way that makes you feel heard. If it’s causing too much anxiety for you, it might be best to let this guy go. I know it hurts, but you were good before him, you’ll be a fine after him too! If you choose to stay, you might have to find a way to let go of that and accept the situation for what it is without any further expectation, or maybe suggest talking with a professional about your misgivings in the relationship to help you both navigate a healthy way forward. I wish you luck!