I’m (26f) tired of being yelled at by my boyfriend (30m)

10 comments

1. This is called a red flag. He has no desire to change and doesn’t see it as a problem. He even blames you for his behaviour.

   You may even be choosing this because of your childhood trauma because it feels like what love was for you.

   You are supposed to end it and choose better. Not try to change him.

2. How about instead trying to change someone, you accept how they have always been. Then you leave them and go find someone who aligns more with what you want. Since you have accumulated experience and learned that putting up with this behavior has enabled it even more, the next go around you of course will be shutting this behavior down immediately and letting them know it is a clear boundary not to be ignored.

3. You won’t

4. You cannot get through to him. He will not see your side. He yells because he prefers to yell rather than communicate with respect, courtesy, or love.

   This is who he is. It will not get better and probably will get much, much worse. There is nothing you can do. You could literally sit there agreeing with him and he would move the goalposts and say you’re not agreeing enthusiastically enough, or you’re not thinking it through because you agreed too quickly. Because the reason he yells is that *he prefers to yell at you instead of respecting you.*

   I strongly recommend leaving him. Please do that for yourself.

5. First up is setting a firm boundary that you won’t __ever__ tolerate him yelling at you.

   Second, learn to do some active listening and stop interrupting him. It sounds like there’s no emotional intimacy for him because you interrupt and rebutt when he’s trying to share how he’s feeling
   .

6. I had an ex gf who was like him. I eventually just gave up.

   In my opinion it’s pointless to keep going.

7. I am going through the same issue with my boyfriend (almost 4 years together) and have also trauma from a previous relationship and my parent’s relationship. In my opinion, this is not how a healthy relationship between two adults looks like. I am now planning to leave him soon and it is one of the most difficult and heartbreaking decisions I’ve had to take in a while. I know I have a long journey of healing ahead of me, and I also know that love is respect. I hug you, best of luck.

8. If this isn’t how you want to spend your life, you should stop spending your life this way. Isn’t five years enough? He isn’t going to change. Nobody is going to change this situation except for you, and you change it by removing yourself.

9. Anger is an emotion and energy and is weakness. But it happens. There’s two aspects of anger here – the sensation and the expression. It’s unrealistic to suggest don’t get angry because it will happen. But see just because you experience it does not mean that you have to express it a certain way. You do have choices over how you express your anger or whether you channel that energy elsewhere.

   The problem here is that you’re the victim or target to your boyfriend’s anger and not the perpetrator.

   >But even when I don’t he says it’s because I was disrespectful or didn’t listen to his point. I have begged him to stop and told him this is not how I want to spend my life **but he keeps doing it and justifying why he is able to**.

   This is where you have the issue. He’s the one who’s experiencing the anger, but instead of reflecting on why he’s feeling angry and trying to process it and respond to it, he’s reacting by putting the blame on you and holding you responsible for his anger. So we go from the experience of anger directly to the expression of anger. If you’re processing past trauma, this is going to trigger something in your past karma and probably trigger (I’m speculating here) a ‘fight or flight’ response.

   >Please help me get through to him, I don’t know what to say anymore.
   **How can I make him see my side of this argument?**

   This is not an argument. What I’m giving you here are the basics of mindfulness. This is the difference between being responsive in relationships as opposed to being reactive. Boyfriend yells because he’s learned somewhere in his past that this is a legitimate relationship strategy and so is part of his socialization and past karma. There’s probably a whole architecture of different illusory beliefs, praise and blame, moral reasoning, respect and disrespect that he’s clinging to.

   >I have really bad trauma from my childhood and **it really Upsets me**.

   I want to flag this up and bring it to your attention. For your boyfriend to ‘change’ he’s going to have to go through some process of awakening and become conscious of the fact that he does have alternatives to the way he processes and expresses anger. This is not going to be like flicking on a light switch. It’s going to be much more like a process. He himself has to start the process.

   You have your past karma from your past trauma, and I’d imagine being yelled at by someone you love creates a lot of fear, anxiety and insecurity, and from this a great deal of suffering. I get that you may love him, but see for your relationship to work out you also need the past karma to be somewhat aligned as well. Consider that you wanting him to stop and express himself differently is coming from a place deep inside you which is telling you “Stop! Enough is enough.”

   I think you need to move on and let go of this relationship. You’ve got to continue the process of healing, recovery and growth from your past childhood trauma and not be someone who is going to cause you additional suffering in life. You were not born to suffer. You were born to be happy and to be loved for who you are.

10. lol, this has been going on for 5 years?

    Apparently you’re not that tired of it.