My (30/M) girlfriend (30/F) and I have been together since we were 21. We moved across the country together & have had many incredible times with one another. She is loving, supportive, and is my best friend.
When we first moved she was having difficulties with her parents which made her operate independently for the first time in her life. She was working & had a little community built for herself in our new city. However, a year 1/2 later she left that job. COVID hit & that became a reason not to try & work again. We discussed going into a business venture together, which required licensing. I was apprehensive, but after a few pep talks from her I decided to do it, expecting us to split the workload.
I passed the licensing exam on the first try & she didn’t. I offered to help her study & get through it, but instead she decided to not take the exam again. She kind of left me to do the work for both of us & I was able to do that with some moderate success. Ultimately, I moved into a career that ended up taking off much more, but she stayed doing nothing. She has had a couple of odd jobs, but nothing longer than 6 months.
Over the past 4 years this has become incredibly difficult for us. I have had numerous conversations/arguments with her expressing how much pressure it puts on my shoulders to be the bread winner, help with our animals, and cook/clean, etc. She has responded with fervent apologies & promises to get things going in the right direction. I am placated & move on and then days/weeks/months go by with no real progress. The cycle continues.
I started seeing a therapist to gain some perspective on my life & relationship to try and be a better partner. I offered to help her cover expenses for a therapist for her as she didn’t have insurance, but it was of no interest. I offered couples counseling, but same result.
I love her & have been fighting for our relationship, but this year has been a major shift. We had 9 weddings (2 international) and I committed to buying a house. We discussed the implications of the year ahead from a financial perspective & she promised 3 different timelines for getting a job in place before at least the international weddings. Here we are in October, weddings done, house purchased and no job still.
I feel like I am going a bit crazy, but I have committed so much for her & our life together and can’t help but feel like getting a job/supporting yourself is like table stakes…
Not sure what to expect here, but wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar place?
TL/DR; 30 year old GF hasn’t held a job longer than 6 months in over 4 years & it’s straining our relationship.
34 comments
Dude run! She’s a leech and is sucking you dry. I really hope for your sake that her name isn’t on the deeds of the house because if it is she will be entitled to a share of it even though she’s never paid a cent towards it.
Women can be hobosexuals too…
Edit: I MEANT HOBOSEXUALS!!! I’m not a homophobe in any way,shape, or form. Apologies to anyone I may have offended!
Out of curiousity, how does she spend most of her time? There has to be something she’s fixated on to not want to work. Give us a little summary of her day to day life if you can, without going into too much detail
Sounds like there’s something holding her back and she might need to be evaluated for ADHD/ possible depression. Maybe get some bloodwork done for hormones etc.
Could be depression/anxiety, are there any signs of this? What does she spend her time doing?
If it is, step one would be to get her to acknowledge this. Can be hard if mental health is stigmatized as being a “crazy person”, which it is for some people.
> I started seeing a therapist to gain some perspective on my life & relationship to try and be a better partner
Dude, you are being an *excellent* partner. You have been financially supporting your girlfriend for years. You took a licensing exam for the purpose of going into a joint business venture that you ultimately had to do yourself. You contribute to house chores. If anyone is not being a bad partner and not pulling their weight in this relationship, it’s not you.
It sounds like your girlfriend has never really had a career to speak of. It sounds like she’s *dabbled* in work the same way other people dabble in hobbies. And it sounds like she’s been very comfortable letting you earn the household income and taking on the heavy lifting of keeping your lives afloat. That’s not cool
The thing is, she is now going to face much higher barriers to entry getting into a job now than she would have years ago. It’s one thing to be in your twenties and have maybe 3-5 years of patchy job history behind you. It’s another to be 30 and have a decade of patchy job history behind you. Employers aren’t going to want to take a chance on someone with no real experience to speak of and evidently no real commitment. So it’s highly likely that she will make a few attempts to get into the work force and will be discouraged by the lack of responses and will give up. “No one wants to hire me and/or the only places that will are entry level that pay practically nothing. There’s no point in me trying.”
If you want to stay with this woman, that means accepting that it may be years before she earns a decent income, if she does earn anything at all. Are you comfortable with having a partner that doesn’t contribute financially to your shared goals? There’s no shame in saying no. Early on in our relationship, I offered to my husband to be his SAHP. He told me he wanted a partner who also earned an income.
By God, don’t think that *you* are not being a good enough partner here.
It sounds like she’s used to the fact that there are no consequences for her actions. Ok, maybe she meant it in the moment when she said she would look for a job, but in the cold light of day she knows you’re not going to actually do anything when she doesn’t get a job, other than maybe have another argument about it.
You’ve spent 4 years telling your girlfriend how unhappy this makes you, how stressed it makes you and her response is to do *nothing*. At the end of the day, that’s her showing you how much she cares for and respects you. How much longer are you willing to stay in this relationship begging for your girlfriend to respect you?
INFO needed : What does she do entire time? If you are involved in earning money, is responsibility of house, pets, cooking, shopping weighted more on her? overall is her active contribution time(be it career or housework) less than yours in the relationship?
I think you know what needs to happen as much as you do.
You do not have a partner, you have a child.
Free yourself and be rid of her – she is effectively holding you back from a life you are meant to live. There needs not be much of a discussion, you’ve been over it plenty of times with her by the sounds of it. She is showing you who she is – believe it, and don’t fall for any lies that come out of her mouth when you break up with her. Be done with it forever, please.
I hope you didn’t put her name on the house deed! An incredibly foolish thing to do if you did that will cost you considerably.
Long and short question if you can do it alone why are you still enduring the frustration of the relationship. Being single sucks but it beats being dragged down.
There aren’t any consequences and she knows you won’t leave. Why would she get a job?
She’s learned that all she needs to do is tell you what you want to hear, and you won’t follow up on anything you ask from her, and there will be no consequences. She doesn’t work, and it sounds like you at least split the housework, so what exactly does she do with all her time?
But this time she totes means it.
This sounds like you need to set an ultimatum with her and just be frank. My boyfriend (M31) is an academic. I on the other hand aren’t I have depression etc and live alone. I want to move in with my BF and i tell you what I bust my ass open (because I love him and i see how much he does also just its fair to pull your weight) so does he… sounds like she needs a huge slap of reality. You need to tell her this is not what you want in a relationship! she needs a pension as well???? you cant do it for both its too much. what if you lose your job? what if something happens to her or you one income cant cover both. The fact she hasn’t accepted your help via a therapist shows me either how childish and unfit she is for this relationship you two are in or how incredibly uncaring and narcissistic she is.
Not in a million worlds would i put my partner through this (x100000 worse she declined your help)
Please set an ultimatum and please follow through.. she has some growing up to do!!
Sounds as if you need to learn to keep firm boundaries firm. What are the co sequences of her failures? So far nothing.
Why would she ever change if you will just be an easy source of income forever? At some point you need to realize this isn’t sustainable. You have a therapist, mainly for this issue it sounds. You also have a GF who won’t see one, or see a couples therapist. When you ask for couples therapy you are almost begging your partner to realize this isn’t ok with you. She set there and said owell, it’s your problem not mine. Time to deal with it as if it’s your problem. One you can easily cut out of your life. Break up and give her 30 days to move out.
You know the reality, you just don’t want to see it and is searching ways to cope.
She knows that even if she never work and just be a bum everyday she can just rely that you will do all the hard work and always excuse her shit ass behavior.
You look like a amazing guy with lots of Emotional intelligence, do you really want to have a girlfriend who is just a bum and do nothing all day besides watching tik tok videos and contributing nothing? Is she your partner or your daughter?
After 4 years mate, if she is not exhibiting good partner behaviors, then she isn’t a good partner. Time to decide if you want to continue this relationship or not.
Please realize you can love someone to your core but not be a good match in a relationship and this seems to be where your stuck at.
What you need to do is wish her the best, tell her you hope she finds what she is looking for but also tell her she needs to find other living arrangements asap.
Is she taking care of all the home duties? If not she’s a leech. 4 years is a long time. Maybe you should tell her you want to live separately. Or just break up with her. She’s leeching off you and taking advantage of your love
She doesn’t even do the bare minimum….and yes, she appears to *expect* that you’ll just keep doing the work of 2 people to stay afloat. I mean seriously she’s not even doing the majority of chores? What is she *doing* all day?
Maybe she’s depressed. That’s context, not an excuse. You’ve offered mental health support.
At this point there is nothing you can do to make her respect you- and yes, this is an illustration of her lack of respect for your labor and time.
What you can do, is let her face natural consequences.
“Multiple timelines for you to find employment and contribute to the best of your ability have come and gone. You have refused counseling, even couples counseling. You have watched as I work harder than I ought to, to ensure we stay afloat. I am unable to be with someone who doesn’t want a partnership. I want someone who shares the load, who works, and cares that things are well-balanced between us. I have asked you the right questions, I have offered every support. I love you, but I cannot continue like this. I either see a significant and sustainable change or I have to end this.”
Then take some space. Have meals by yourself; do things with friends or yourself on weekends or evenings. Stop sharing a life as though this is a partnership, because it’s not. See where she’s at in a week, then a month…
Though personally I think you should express the above and then end it. How many more ultimatums will you issue? Just end it. She doesn’t want to be a partner.
And be honest with yourself. She is not “supportive”.
Broseph, she doesn’t want to work and no amount of fighting will change that. Keep going to therapy, dump the girlfriend
If you want to stay with her you need goals and timelines.
Real timelines with consequences.
My advice is to tell her you want to live separately for a while. You stay together as a couple but you each have a separate responsibility for housing. If she can’t handle her own finances, getting a job, etc. but has been relying on you, then living separately gets these issues off your plate. She won’t want to do that of course, and maybe you don’t either but I promise it would change everything.
My bet is that she’d move in with friends or family and continue to not be able/willing to care for herself, but you’d know that and you’d be free to choose to care for her indefinitely, or not. As it is, you’re trapped. Getting into a separate living arrangement gets you perspective and more choices and while I doubt she would step up, she MIGHT! But as long as she knows you’ll continue to take care of everything, she definitely will not put in the effort. Is it because she can’t or because she won’t? I submit that in this case, it’s best to forget about intentions and look at outcomes. It doesn’t matter if this is a choice on her part or not. What matters is that it’s causing you both harm and one of you CAN make a change.
Probably she’ll break down and beg or become angry, push against the idea in general and try to maintain the status quo- but if you do love her, the best way forward is to get your own finances in good order, while offering her a real opportunity to attend to herself without a safety net.
TL;DR You need to live separately at least until she can get her feet under her and prove to herself that she can care for herself.
You sound great but you’re enabling her because you always back down from your needs. You are allowed to want a partner in life, you are like a parent here,what happens if a baby is born, that’s two lives you are supporting, that would be fine if it was discussed but these are the years you have the energy to work to elevate your circumstances and it looks like only one of you is doing that so..
Six years into a similar situation. It doesn’t change. 🫠it feels nice to take care of your partner, but yeah the enabling won’t make her love or respect you. Maybe she has ADHD? It doesn’t excuse it, but I think that’s a lot of why my partner is like that. As for how it’s going every rough patch that I ask her to find work now ends in her threatening divorce even though she’s the one not working. At this point I’ve accepted she’s just not going to work.
I don’t know why so many people are comfortable supporting a dating partner 100% financially for years. Unemployment is a deal breaker for most people. You should have left four years ago. Is she on the deed to the house?
Hello,
Let me come at you with a perspective of being a woman that did not work for several years while my s/o took care of me financially.
I was in a deep depression and I didn’t even realize it until I was out of it. Other people would tell my s/o that I was a leech and that I wasn’t worth staying with, because the financial burden was too much. While I didn’t consider myself a leech I was certainly complacent and happy with how things were.. just cooking and cleaning for him (and honestly doing a poor job at it).
I realize years later that I had no ambition and no love for life, I felt like this was the best things would ever be for me, so why even try? My mindset was all kinds of messed up and frankly I’m surprised my bf didn’t leave me, looking back I would have absolutely left me if I was him.
Your gf has a problem, and my advice to you is to give her an ultimatum and actually stick to your ultimatum. Remind her that you love her, but resentment for her not pulling her weight is going to grow, and one day it will be too late to fix her mistakes if she keeps going down this path.
Tell her that you will not live with someone who does not value themselves enough to become a better person. Tell her that it is unacceptable to be an adult woman without a job. Support her in her effort to do better, do not support her using you financially and accepting her current lifestyle.
It’s not fair to you and it’s not right for her to do that. She needs therapy and she needs to work on herself.
Personally I think you should kick her out of your house until she gets her shit together. That way she knows ypu expect more from her.
If you aren’t willing to do that I would give 4-6months. Tell her the timer she is on, tell her that she must either be working or in school or whatever it is she needs to do in order to prove to you that she values this partnership. If she does not do that then it’s on you to actually say goodbye.
I woke up out of my trance, I was lucky that it wasn’t too late, don’t let her lead you to a miserable road where you don’t feel good or proud to be around your partner, you deserve so much more.
She’s not going to change, and if you had a kid w her you’d basically be a single parent.
Do you have a problem with being bread winner IF she does basically everything household related? Well, I assume you would help sometimes with some things, but food, taking care of pets, and cleaning up the place would be the minimum I would expect from a person who does absolutely nothing (which is what you are saying).
You are enabling her. That’s why she is like this.
In the mean time you’ve also outgrown her
Just breakup. She is acting like a child, soon to be your dependent if you allow this to continue. She has shown you she will not change. Break it off before you become more resentful. Im honestly surprised you lasted this long. Sounds like your majorly being taken advantage of and she is just coasting in life with a free meal ticket and place to live. This is not a partnership and your resentment will only continue to grow.
Well your income alone qualified for a house, and then you’re actually able to pay the house and all the related bills too.
There’s pretty much no incentive for her to be working because you are able to take care of everything..
And from her perspective, you two will probably get married and then you’ll start having kids and then she’ll be at home taking care of the kids, giving her further belief that she doesn’t actually need to work
But you just need to communicate with her and see if her goal is to be a housewife taking care of the kids or get back out in the job world whenever she can.
This is a fundamental issue in the relationship that you need to clarify before continuing on further or before taking the next step
i’m sure she’ll get a job if she needs to. but it’s clear with you earning the household money, she doesn’t feel she needs to. don’t continue down this path and expect anything to change. understand that supporting her is the price of admission to being in a relationship with her, and decide if you want to pay it indefinitely or not.
Hey OP, I am going to offer you what may seem like a totally out of left field perspective, but I went through about a 9 month period where I couldn’t keep a job for more than a few months at a time due to a mental health struggle. I ended up being diagnosed with CPTSD and I was experiencing severe depression, it took me about 10 months of intensive therapy to get back to a place where I could start working a full time job, but I did work part time during those 10 months, at one place, so that was progress. Depending on my boyfriend for help with rent and groceries was so maddening, I absolutely hated it and will take care of myself moving forward so that we never have to experience that financial strain again.
It sounds like your girlfriend is experiencing a deep depression or some sort of mental health episode. That said, it is her responsibility to take care of herself, even when it feels impossible. You are going out of your way to offer to pay for her therapy. I believe if I had been resistant to therapy, resistant to getting better, my partner would have rightfully alerted my family to my mental health struggles and ended our relationship. It’s not fair that you have to bear this burden alone, you want a partner in life, not a pet.
It is time to make some hard decisions and draw your line in the sand. “Get a job in the next blank amount of time or I will no longer be able to hold on to hope for this relationship.” You can be blunt, and let your GF know how all of this has made you feel. If she truly can’t see what she is putting you and your relationship through, and get the help she needs to start working again, then end the relationship. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Why is it that when things have been absolutely batshitcrazy (the only time I didn’t work for 1,5 years is when I was injured on my shoulder and couldn’t and didn’t want to exist due to nerve pain, let alone work) there’s an idea that thing will get better with a change. Moving, getting pregnant, buy a house, get a mortgage, emigrate to Canada…. Last 4 years have been absolutely rock bottom, she is driving me crazy and my tongue hurts from talking but fuck it, let’s buy a house and have babies.
If you need to move on, as a person, but feel restricted by your partner’s inability to progress that need, your have to say bye bye.