I (18m) and my girlfriend (18f) have been together for over a year and a half now. I consider myself the luckiest man on the earth, she’s abseloutly gorgeus, sweet, caring, hardworking, great chef, smart, mature etc. everything u could ever wish for.
Im her first boyfriend, and she’s my first girlfriend. We has been eachothers first with anything. And i would consider our relationship perfect.
I know we are still very young, and i know its sounds like every teenage love story, but i can easily say i wanna marry her and live the rest of my life with her, she says the same thing.
Just a little info about me and how i feel. Im a 6’7, 225lbs guy, who’s been hitting the gym extremely hard for over a year. I dont drink or party.
My dad didn’t raise me in a fantasy world, i’ve know from young age that the world isnt rainbows and sunflowers, and he told me to always protect and provide for a women. I would do anything for her, i would standup against 10 men to protect her, and i feel its my duty as her boyfriend to protect her.
The problem is that im extremely uncomfortable with her going out partying with friends/coworkers. And it has been happening more and more recently, she dont drink alcohol or do drugs or anything. And im not scared she is going to cheat. Im just worried something is gonna happen to her, pretty girl, big city. I know its rare especially because we live in one of the safest countries in the world. I just dont like her going out without me being able to protect her. And it doesnt make it better that all of her coworkers are men, and types i dont like.
Im just scared that somthing is going to happen to her.
I just need some words of experience and wisdom.
**tl;dr;** : Im uncomfortable with my girlfriend going out partying. Im scared something is going to happen to her, and i feel its my duty to protect her.
EDIT: I know she isn’t doing anything wrong, and i would never tell her to not go out. I know it’s a “me problem”, im just looking for advice and words of wisdom
EDIT 2: I have never stopped her from going out, i’ve never told her to not go out, and i would never do either of the things.
I am just trying to get some advice on how i can be more comfortable around it.
18 comments
> I would do anything for her
then let her live a normal 18f life
You can’t hover over her 24/7. You just need to trust she’ll take whatever reasonable precautions she needs to to keep herself safe
It’s normal to worry (to an extent) about someone you deeply care about. But she’s her own person. She’s not doing anything wrong- and a great skill for you to develop is to learn to trust, let go of your anxieties and chilllllll.
Telling her she cannot go out with her friends or coworkers would be controlling and bad behavior on your part. Telling her you’re afraid she’s going to get raped/murdered or whatever because she’s a “pretty girl” is pretty irrational. Which, it sounds like you do know that already.
This entire thing is a *you* problem and you need to work on managing your own feelings and fears. It not not her job to placate you.
So next time tell her to have fun, let her know she can call you if she needs to and then go do something yourself to take your mind off of it. Go out with your friends/ throw yourself into a hobby/ a book/ binge a show/ go to a movie/ go to the gym… whatever it is. Keep doing this- eventually you should get more comfortable.
You’re your own worst enemy here and if you decide to ignore the advice of letting her live her life and start asking her not to go out or call/text her while she is or try to scare her with all your fears…you will be doing A LOT more damage than some potential hypothetical worst case scenario thoughts.
Don’t treat her like you’re her parent, or you will ruin the relationship. Just because she is a woman, doesn’t mean she needs supervision.
*typo
This is an anxiety you need to work though on your own and not bother your GF with. Sorry but she’s not going to go only go out into the world if you’re there. She’s not some delicate flower, women know the dangers that are out in the world and most of us have come up with strategies to protect ourselves while out and about (an none of those involve only going out if our BF is there). Take comfort in the fact that because she doesn’t drink or do drugs the chances of someone trying to take advantage of her (and being successful in taking advantage) significantly go down. If something ever does happen you’ll be there for support her.
Love to chime since I actually went through this when I left for college and had a gf at a college a few miles over. This is totally normal to feel, as you care about her and worry something will happen if you aren’t there. However, she is a grown women who is fully capable of taking care of herself as well. Your dad seems like a stand up dude who taught you well, but in this battle, you need to have confidence in your gf that she can handle anything that comes her way in a way that is respectful towards your relationship. The more you tend to fear the unknown, the more stress you’ll put on yourself and it may be channeled out in a way that may harm your relationship.
Lastly, I know you mentioned this isn’t cheating related, but have confidence in yourself. Know your worth and understand that no matter what is thrown your way, you’ll be just fine.
Look, I say this with kindness but it will come across a bit harsh, no doubt:’
She is as grown as you are. She is *far* more aware of the risks that come with existing as a woman. She has been raised with this knowledge since *childhood*.
If she goes out, she goes out knowing that there are certain risks. She’s not going out alone. She is going out with people she knows, which means she is much more likely to have someone who can see if she needs help.
She does not need you to “protect” her. She needs you to be a good partner, who will listen and validate her *if* something happens.
Statistically, the biggest risk to her safety is *you*.
You have already been clear in the comments that you are aware that this is a “you” issue and that’s good. This anxiety of yours, about her getting hurt, is probably something you should look inwards to understand.
So long as you’re not trying to get her to restrict her movements in order to appease your anxiety, you’re doing okay.
Do you have access to a counsellor through any school or such?
Just remember OP, if she involves herself in single person activities eventually she will start acting like a single person. Be ready for it to hit the fan.
Going out doesn’t mean that you are more likely/less likely to cheat.
It’s true that most people blame alcohol when they cheat but alcohol doesn’t really change you.
If she is a cheater then she is going to cheat regardless if she is going out or not.
She’s at an age when she wants to explore, not feel tied down to some boring boyfriend who wants to just ruin her fun the more you try and stop her, the worst it will be for you.
Dating seriously at such a young age is a terrible idea.
It’s a time when you want to see what’s out there. You holding her back would eventually lead to resentment and if she agrees, it will come to bite you in the ass later on, like her cheating
Young man the most crucial thing you need to learn is… if you try to control someone or something hard, it will backfire 100%
Do not let your insecurity manifest into how you control your gf
You two are still so young. She is enjoying her early adult life. Let her explore life and enjoy herself, you two have so much life ahead of you.
If you don’t want a girlfriend that goes to partys then find a girlfriend that don’t. Live life and let her live.
To be honest let her go party
She’s only 18 there might come a time when she wants to sleep with other guys, you only have one chance in life you know.
At that point you’ll have to decide what kind of sexual relationship do you want over the next 20 years
That’s what you have to worry about not protecting her no one’s going to hurt her but they will try to sleep with her
> i feel its my duty as her boyfriend to protect her.
This kind of mindset can become toxic very fast. Stop viewing her like someone weaker than you who needs protection from men and start viewing her like someone strong, smart and capable of setting her own boundaries and protecting herself.
> And it doesnt make it better that all of her coworkers are men, and types i dont like.
Thankfully you’re not the one who has to work with them, so whether you like them or not is completely irrelevant. If your girlfriend likes them or can at least work cordially with them, all is well.
Bottom line: you need to start viewing your partner as an equal and you need to stop viewing every male who isn’t you as a threat. Your attitude is already veering towards control.
Some people say this protection line a lot, but to me, a lot of the time in the context you are 6 seems far more like the person worrying about their girlfriend cheating or similar things regarding to that. Not that you don’t trust her, but that there is an inherent insecurity about “what if” scenarios, which is a normal anxiety thing centered around something you care about like your girlfriend. The protection thing is more relevant in different contexts, like her traveling abroad in a sketchy country by herself or etc. But not in this scenario. She knows how to watch out for herself when she’s with her friends. Anyways, the thing to work on is just working through those feelings when they occur and knowing she’s able to take care of herself.
Your dealing with an issue that needs to be addressed.
Your right with worrying about her safety that’s ok just don’t be overbearing with it
She has to realize that she’s in a committed relationship she’s not single anymore and if she wants to go out and party that’s find but you can stay single for that don’t worry about people or even her calling you insecure that’s played out at this point. People have boundaries and she’s not willing to compromise then you should find somebody who values your feelings and opinions.
And also, if the roles were reversed we already know the comments would be different you would be called the “bad boyfriend”. If you wanted to go to the strip club with your friends in your teenage years because you wanted to ” have fun” because that’s what everyone keeps saying ” let her explore” “let her find herself” “let her have fun” which again she doesn’t have to be in a relationship IF she wants to do all that.
i understand being uncomfortable but you can’t make this decision for her or else it will come across as controlling. instead, here are some things you can do to promote her safety:
-buy her pepper spray or some sort of self defense kit
-be sure to make it known you can always come and pick her up (offer rides home or walk her home). most dangerous situations come from when the girl has left her group to go home. wether that be walking to her car/ home or getting a ride from someone.
-buy her something that she can use to protect her drinks. there are drink covers available and different things like nail polish and straws that can detect if anyone has tampered with her drinks.
-suggest location sharing. if she is uncomfortable sharing with you, there are lots of apps and devices that can be used to share your location and call the police in case of emergency
Coming from a girl in the US that just finished her college years and had to protect herself many times. these things are always a good safety net
this one is not gnna last kid. Sorry to break it to you, and its not because of her or you, its just how the game goes. Focus on yourself, build yourself up, learn and master different skills, get and maintain great shape, read way more than you watch. As far as your question is concerned, the quickest way to push her into doing what you don’t want her to do, is telling her not to do what you don’t want her to do. With that being said, there are ways to express healthy boundaries that you as a man won’t tolerate being crossed. Good luck to you!