My girlfriend (26f) and I (28m) have been together for a year now, and are head over heels in love. We’ve been living together for almost the entire time we’ve dated (due to a personal housing situation I ended up moving in very early) and this is definitely the person I want to spend my life with and We’ve already made it clear that’s our intention with each other.
We’ve both had a good amount of relationship experience and are both very certain we are each other’s soulmates. We’re perfectly compatible in every way, have never had any big issues and tend to calmly and cordially discuss any issues we have run into, which were quite minor/normal.
We communicate extremely well, but there’s one future-longterm thing we haven’t really gone over fully. When we met she said she doesn’t know if she wants kids. Not implying she doesn’t, but literally just hasn’t made up her mind.
I know I want kids, but I’m afraid of pushing that onto her as this is still far too early in our relationship for that, and I’m also not super stable in my career yet so it feels like jumping the gun on that topic.
My question is: at what point should we have a serious discussion about this? We’ve mentioned it briefly and we each know roughly where the other stands but basically put off the big convo til later.
I don’t want to her to feel pressured to decide yet, but I’m also afraid of the possibility that the way we go about discussion (prematurely) that she will solidify on a childfree stance, simply because it’s difficult to see how children would play into our lives at this point in time.
Personally I can’t imagine my life without her but I also can’t imagine not starting a family, so I have an impossible cognitive dissonance on what I might do if hypothetically she doesn’t want kids.
At what point would you bring it up and how would you go about it?
Thanks in advance
TLDR; girlfriend and I are perfectly compatible and definitely wanna spend our lives together. She genuinely doesn’t know (yet) if she wants kids, and I don’t wanna pressure her if it’s too early because it might make her feel negatively about it all.
How/when should it be brought up?
5 comments
Whenever you’re both comfortable with talking about it. A good way to gauge that might be once you both consider marriage to be a solid possibility. Once marriage is in the discussion, talking about kids I think is pretty fair game.
When you feel secure enough and know you want to spend your life with this person, it’s obligatory to align on your future goals. Otherwise you are simply risking your time.
I mean you sort of jump started the relationship into overdrive, so you’re already at a mark that takes a lot of people 2-3 years to get too. If you’re planning on getting engaged and married, then it’s probably time to bring it up.
Doesn’t know isn’t always a no! My fiance was also a “doesn’t know” person. Over the course of our relationship it turned out for her it was less “doesn’t know”, and more that she never felt as comfortable or in sync with someone as me to know that’s what she wanted in life.
My husband and I discussed that like a month into dating? Why waste our time if we weren’t aligned on the big things you can’t compromise over. Obviously we werent discussing when to have them or anything but just a general “I think kids would be nice eventually, do you want kids or nah?” As we dated longer the more in depth we talked about it like who if anyone would stay home, where would we like to raise our family, how much would we want saved before we start trying, any big goals we want to reach before we start trying and so on. Figured all that stuff out before getting engaged.
As for not knowing, it’s hard to say. Maybe once you have a discussion about the ins and outs of having kids she’ll have a more solid idea of where she stands. If she’s wishy washy for years then… at some point you have to decide if life is okay as is even if kids never happen or if you need to leave and find someone more compatible. Gotta set a deadline for yourself and only you know when that is.
What is your (individual and collective) timeline for marriage?
I would have at least one conversation about kids when having the marriage conversation; if you’d like to take more time to get engaged and marriage, have multiple conversations. Truthfully, you should have multiple conversations because no one just “hammers this out” in a 45 minute discussion.
If she is still unsure when you get to the point where you both want to take actual steps to get married, you each have to make a choice: proceed with the marriage, given these uncertainties, or wait longer?
I went into my marriage unsure about kids as did my husband. We recognized we could come out of this on opposite ends of the spectrum and decided that was a risk we were willing to take because we’re people the other one wouldn’t have a problem divorcing. We don’t want it (and have no plans!) but if it ended up that I really want kids and he doesn’t, I know we’d respect each other enough to part ways amicably.
Others wait until they’re sure, although I will say – I have seen that backfire. One partner feels pressure, feels like they’re about to lose everything, and says “sure, I’ll do it” or “sure, we don’t have to” and the resentment builds over years as one party wonders why the other hasn’t just come around to see their way on things.
Whatever you do, be clear in your communication, especially about things you don’t have answers for right now. It’s OK to not have those answers – what’s not OK is to skirt around that and pretend like it’ll all just work out.