How the fuck does anyone deal with the club? I just can’t do it, my friends took me out to like a costume party at this club and I just found myself waiting to leave. I’ve been single for almost 2 years and they sold me on this being a get together and they said there’d be a lot of women there. Unfortunately they neglected to mention it was at a club until we got there. I have *never* been able to do well in a bar or club and I have tried to get better with that for years. I don’t drink so my presence tends to be innocuous in all honesty as there’s not much else to do. My friends mean well, they were probably just trying to do something different but I’m just not like them at all when it comes to where I go to hang out and meet women. I just don’t do well in that kind of loud, crowded environment and it always frustates me because there were a lot of really attractive women that I saw there but I have no idea how to do more than just give a general compliment or make a bit of small talk before it gets awkward and I feel the need to walk away. How do you people deal with the fact that you can barely hear each other? How do you get acclimated to the chaotic ambiance? Going to the bar and club for me is the equivalent of hitting a strip club basically, women in tight costumes twerking, shaking ass everywhere but I can’t even touch any or hook up with them. I don’t feel comfortable even though I do appreciate the view, but even if a convo does start to go well idk how to seal the deal or take it further. Most people go out to have fun and be with their friends so is there even a way to overcome the awkward feelings and not seem like a total phoney? I have been told confidence is big, but if you don’t feel comfortable it normally shows right? Idk how long it takes to get “mastery” of this messy form of dating but it feels like it will never happen for me personally. It really sucks because I don’t think I’ll ever be in my element in these environments and most people around my age who are stil single are in these places and i do *so* badly in these spaces. Wtf do I even doš¤¦š¾ I feel like such a fucking dork, almost 32 and I still can’t navigate the two places I would most likely find someoneš
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Wear ear plugs. It helps reduce the noise. You can still hear convos.
Liquid courage helps if you need to loosen up.
The clubs are for hooking up so if youāre not hot nor looking for a one nighter, youād probably fair better elsewhere.
Yeah! Am here just to tell you you’re not alone.
I have a very hard time meeting new people because I hate crowded and loud places. Even drinking does not help.
Do some drugs
At 31 i met my ex husband thru his mom, we met on facebook.
Clubs are only fun if you’re wankered or taking drugs
Bar hopping is way better if you go out IMO
Clubs feel to me like a young person’s thing, so I get you there
But the club isn’t the only place to meet women. Look for hobby meetups or events or stuff like that.
Clubs feel to me like a young person’s thing, so I get you there
But the club isn’t the only place to meet women. Look for hobby meetups or events or stuff like that.
You really wanna meet a chick at the club?ā¦
Lmao youāre too told for a club anyway. Youāre now the old guy in a club full of children. Do other things like join a coed sports team. 32 in a club lol
Try going to church instead or sign up for an inexpensive community college course or take a part time job working at a place like behind the movie counter, where you are face to face with people. Clubs are poor places to meet good people.
Paragraphs dude, paragraphs. This is unreadable
Hi brother! I saw your post this morning by chance and I would like to say that I’ve been there. Below are some tips/pointers that may help you. This is from 1st hand experience.
-Bars/clubs are very different in how you interact with people. Obvious right!?
-If getting there early, try to strike up small talk. Don’t “zero in” on that cute girl =D. Acknowledge and talk to as many people as you can. This gets you comfortable in the environment and the women there can see that.
-Getting there when there is loud music and there’s a lot of people, requires you to be more expressive with your body-language. If you want to dance with the girl, don’t even bother trying to say anything. Extend your hand, inviting her to dance. Best part of all of this, you don’t even have to say anything =D
-Again, if the place is loud, use that to your advantage. Get close to the girls! Talk to them in their ear. Don’t shout! Use your voice to seduce her. If meeting her for the first time, keep the introduction simple. Example: “Hey, I’m Bob! Whats your name?”. Once your ” intro” is completed, give the girl a compliment. Don’t be afraid to tell her how good she looks. Girls spend hours getting ready to go out..
-Girls always have asked me these 3 questions : How old I am? Where I’m from? What do I do for a living? This is the equivalent to your “elevator speech”. Make your boring job sound exciting!
-Don’t be afraid to polarize women. Call her out if she is full of shit! Politely of course!
-Don’t linger too long. Even if everything is great, go and talk to other people. If the girl likes you, she will make the effort to find you again.
– If everything with the girl is going well by the end of the night, invite her to an after party or get her number. Same thing, pull out your phone and have her type her number. Send her a confirmation message as soon as you get your phone back.
-Don’t be afraid to escalate things if she allows you
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Hopefully this helps =D
If you’re 32, don’t drink and aren’t comfortable in the club then it’s not where you should be looking.
Sure, many people have fun at the club and it can be a good place to meet people but if it’s not YOUR thing, it’s pointless. Play to your strengths, be in situations where you’re comfortable, confident and present your best self.
Hey brother, I exactly know how you feel. One thing thatās helped me out is finding hobbies and going to places that I enjoy! Usually if youāre by yourself, it makes approaching women easier because thereās no pressure from a group. In addition, doing your own thing helps you build self-confidence and interpersonal skills. I hope my piece of advice helps.
If anybody liked the club, there would be people there who aren’t drinking haha.
I mean I’m sure there is a small percentage of people, most of us are there because it’s an agreed upon place for horny singles to pretend we aren’t all there for the same reason.
So funny. Same exact thing happened to me last night. I especially relate to you on the part about not being able to thrive/socialize well in loud environments. Iām a very low energy, low key guy who enjoys genuine conversation. When Iām in a crowded bar/club, Iām always feeling left out because I canāt understand anyone and I canāt make my voice loud enough for anyone to understand me
Get better, not bitter
The āusualā places to meet people are often crowded, whether itās for romantic reasons or networking. A suggestion for you to consider: organize a dinner party. Keep it to 15 people max. Book out a room in a restaurant. Invite a few people you know and get them to invite people they know who might be good to get to know. Everyone pays their own bill.
My SO and I love hosting and weāve inadvertently matched 6 couples so far who met at our dinner parties. Iāve also noticed more people are into this format and have gravitated towards it since COVID.
Takes a bit of planning and organizing, but itās not as crowded, you get to know people better and have more opportunities for real conversations.
Clubs are geared towards extroverted people. If you are annoyed and frustrated by clubs, instead of being energized and excited by the environment, you are probably an introvert. None of this is good or bad. It’s just how you are wired. If this is true, find smaller venues where you can meet smaller groups of new people, art exhibit, jazz club, poetry slam, etc. A venue where there is enough quiet to have a conversation in between performances or the main draw. Even a neighborhood bar, particularly one with a ladies night, would be better than a club.
I love music and dancing, but would not go to a club to meet women unless I could create space for a conversation with bottle service (booth) or some space that allowed conversation.
You and I are cur from the same cloth my friend. I know exactly how you feel. I went to a club once in my life (I’m 36 now, but went to the club when I was 34). I absolutely felt like a fish out of water, and I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I don’t drink much either and am generally introverted. I left the club after 15 mins and tried to make myself more extroverted by going to the various bars in the same area after exiting the club.
I went to a country themed bar where people would ride one of those mechanical bulls, waitresses would dance on the counter, and people danced to some weird mix of country and techno. I got two drinks and I stayed for like 30 mins just people watching. Even after some social anxiety eased after the drinks I still felt out of my element but also uncomfortable. The most social interaction I had there was when a guy complemented my leather jacket. I didn’t felt like people didn’t want me there, but I also felt like they’re not my crowd. I like quiet, and intellectual conversations, not drunken tomfoolery.
What I learned from these experiences is that these kind of places and events isn’t for me. Loud crowded scenes where you can barely hear isn’t my idea of fun. It’s overstimulation. If I met a girl at one of these places: she would likely be the type to want to go to these kind of places again. It wouldn’t be a good relationship.
If you’re looking for a relationship: you need to find someone on your same wavelength: someone who also would hate the bar and club scene. I will add this caviot: there’s different types of bars though. Some are definitely chill and lower noise where people do go to chat. Not all of them are high energy high noise environments. So you could definitely try those.
In general: think of places where you enjoy being and/or where your ideal girl would enjoy being. Really think about this. Go to those places and you’ll find someone more compatible.
A lot of relationships form through friendships or friends of friends. You need to find friends that like doing the things you do…it sounds like you have friends more extroverted and party type. Find some introverted friends as well.
As to confidence: I will never stop recommending this book as it’s the only “no BS” book out there on becoming genuinely confident (not faking confidence or “acting confident”). It doesn’t encourage you to use BS stuff like pep talks or positive affirmations. It instead encourages you to get out there and expose yourself to the things you want to become confident in. It’s based on the premise of “acceptance and commitment” therapy where you accept yourself for who you are flaws and all, and commit to doing things despite fears, worries, and anxiety. Confidence comes AFTER action, not before. The book is called “The Confidence Gap”. I highly recommend it for you.
Bro for me itās the opposite. I do generally well at clubs. Anywhere else though I can barely talk to women.
Maybe you feel uncomfortable and frustrated because of your expectations at the club? Do you feel pressured to talk to women and feel the need to be sociable, and then feel disappointed if you donāt perform well?
I was like that in my early 20s. By my late 20s, Iāve gotten over it. For me, it was a mental thing. Setting these expectations unconsciously, seeing how others are able to click with women effortlessly, then feeling disappointed in myself when I canāt do the same.
I got over it by changing my goals and expectations. The goal was no longer to talk to women, it was to just have fun. Drink, listen to music, dance, focus on your friends, have a good timeā¦ as if youāre hanging out with your friends in a parking lot, a backyard, etc. If it gets boring, go have a smoke or relax outside. Focus on how you can have fun as an individual at a club, and stop worrying about other people, whatās going on around you, or expectations.
Iāve been telling myself for years now, Iām only 26M but Iāve been saying since about 22 that the bars are not going to be where I find the one and so far Iām right so.
Clubs are terrible places to meet quality women that are worth pursuing for an LTR.
And they’re unnecessary even for seeking short-term arrangements.
If you don’t like them, don’t go. It’s as simple as that.
You just walk up to people and ask if you can join them. Clubs are all about body language, touch, and dancing.
As a DJ, I’ll say this. The club/bar isn’t for most people.
Although I can say this. If you are into EDM or at least open to it, go to an EDM club (preferably house music).
EDM clubs/venues are pretty easy to at least find a girl and maybe hook up. Sometimes they’ll just come up to you or they’ll nonchalantly dance up to you. Women in these crowds are much more easy to approach than at bars or your normal club. And if you aren’t able to interact with any, you can just have a good time dancing and looking at the visuals, which is also a good way for girls to become attracted to you as they may like your vibe. I’d type more, but my typing is lagging lmao.
Fun fact: with the potential exception of strip clubs, and parenting meetups wherever there are single men you will find single women. If your goal is a meaningful relationship, you need to figure out what you like to do and do more of that in a social capacity. If you play music, go to places where you can jam with other musicians. If you like dancing, go to social dance events or classes. Meet people and make friends. Maybe you will meet someone who is a friend of a friend. The possibilities are endless.
Perhaps more importantly you need to take a look at your own biases. If you hate doing something, don’t force yourself to do it just to meet people you aren’t compatible with. Are there women you are ignoring who you are compatible with because you don’t think they measure up? If so, why? Are you able to be emotionally available in the right ways to maintain a real relationship or are you just looking for a FWB? Going places specifically to meet single women is a losing endeavor unless it’s something like speed dating or singles events. You’re way better off finding places you can be your authentic self around like minded people.
I’m a big fan of the club (mostly niche electronic music), but never really went to hook up or found much success if I ever tried. I did have friends who tended to find someone there more often. There were a few things they usually did. Maybe it can help the next time your friends drag you out to the club.
1. It never looked like they were looking for someone. They were just having a good time with friends and vibing. When they caught eyes with someone it seemed spontaneous, not like they were fishing.
2. They rarely tried to talk on the dance floor. If they thought there was a mutual vibe from nonverbal cues, they would gesture to suggest getting a drink, hitting the water station, going to smoke, wanting to sit down to cool off, going outside, etc. Then if they follow, it’s a bit quieter and less hectic, and you can have a little conversation.
3. They were always about knowing where the after parties were, as well as a couple of places for late night food. That way, you can suggest leaving the club and going somewhere else that isn’t your (or their) house.
Never saw the appeal of loud, crowded and hot places . I don’t drink. Guess I’m boring
The club just isn’t fun at all for meeee lol. I have to compromise and commit to making a trip out maybe 2 times a year for my friends. I would advise since you don’t like clubbing yourself that you should not bother looking for a potential girlfriend at those places because you won’t be that compatible. Go to places you enjoy, join some groups, church if you are religious.
Gotta be hammered broski, itās all about dancing and being in the moment
I would never club sober. However if you donāt like it nothing wrong with that it aināt for everybody
Oh I feel you. I went to a club a few months ago and all I wanted to do was leave!! I didnāt recognise any of the music, so I couldnāt even dance just shift from foot to foot. It was super loud, crowded, dark, sweaty. Will not be doing that again.
Hi OP! Woman here who also hates clubs and gets super drained by them. My suggestion? Join a pottery class or an art class, or maybe take a cooking class? Not just a 1 and done class either. Try to join a program that has multiple consecutive classes, that way you can get comfortable in your environment and it will make it easier to talk to and engage with other people. Plus itās a great way to grow your interests and hobbies and who knows, you may even find a new favorite?
Obviously the club isnāt your scene, I donāt drink either so I can understand feeling out of place in that setting. However, itās painfully clear that your negative self-esteem and limiting beliefs are sabotaging you. The problem is that you are so focused on a specific outcome, but at the same time youāre preoccupied with why youāre not getting there (Is it my looks? Am I boring? Etc.), itās preventing you from even enjoying yourself. Stop beating yourself up, try to live in the moment a little more and try to enjoy yourself. If it means not going to clubs then so be it. Expanding your circle of friends would clearly help as well.
I hate clubs and places with loud music. I don’t have 100% hearing capacity. It’s good enough that I don’t have to use hearing aids but in a environment with loud music I am borderline deaf. Fuck that shit. How tf am I gonna enjoy it if I can’t hear what other people says?
I have ADHD and ASD, I absolutely hate clubs with a passion.
Why would I want to go out, be deafened, have my wallet drained and flail around like an idiot in a smelly sweaty, dark room? Only to wake up the next day and vomit my face off
I feel you bro. The club scene is not for everyone. Gotta find your element where you can shine.
I would say 80% of men donāt hit too many home runs in bars
Take ecstasy next time
I donāt think a lot of people who go to clubs are well suited for that environment. Im 23 and most of the time I go clubs people just stand around.
I never went to clubs and never had issues dating. Go to happy hours at normal bars. Join rec sports. Take a class in anything.
I hate going to clubs. You’re not alone
Bro. You donāt go to clubs to find a wife or gf.
Last time I was in a club I was 22. I remember feeling like it was just void of anything good. And all the people were empty.
Iāve only been to 2 clubs and it was with a friend/neighbor I barely knew. I am not socially awkward im quite extroverted but I felt so uncomfortable, I donāt really like to dance and I also donāt drink. They were for some reason playing Scarface on a random tv in the corner so I watched that for like 15 mins and then left lol. As a woman itās scary approaching random drunk dudes in a bar and itās never how I would want to meet a future partner. I was also wearing a jacket and jeans so that didnāt help with overheating lol
Every animal has an environment with in which they thrive in. Lions have the Serengeti, tigers have the jungle and alligators have the rivers. You have to find yours, the club scene is for influencers and quick to action people. Find a hobby you like and go with that. I was the same way until I accepted i friggin hate the club