Married for three years. Often when I’m talking to my wife about something like the news or one of my interests I can tell she’s definitely not paying attention. It shows in her body language and she’ll even just take out her phone while I’m talking. I do this too, so I’m not angry at her or judging her for this, but what’s the best way for me to respond when I notice it?
Here’s the different things I’ve tried so far and how they play out:
1 – Continue as normal/wrap it up. I keep talking as normal but try to get to my point as soon as possible, then ask her something like, “What do you think about that?” When I did this this morning, she looked up from her phone at me and said, “I don’t really have any thoughts about that,” even though I know it’s a topic that interests her as well and she would have thoughts about it if she had heard what I said.
2 – Ask her politely to pay attention/point out “I don’t think you’re paying attention. When I do this, she claims that she was paying attention and she sometimes gets offended at me thinking she wasn’t paying attention.
3 – Catch her. I’m just describing things I’ve done in the past, not things that I necessarily thing are beneficial. After trying option 2 a lot only for her to insist that she was always paying attention to me, I started trying option 3. When I had a feeling she wasn’t paying attention to me, I would slip in ludicrous statements in the conversation to see if she would react. Something like, “And of course, we all know martians are real.” She wouldn’t react any differently, so I knew she wasn’t paying attention to the conversation.
4 – Ask her politely to put her phone down. When I do this, she rolls her eyes, sighs, and participates in the conversation, but now we’re both in slightly worse moods.
5 – Offer to wait until later. When I do this, she tells me that there’s no need; she’s paying attention to me now.
tl;dr: My wife often doesn’t pay attention to me when I try to initiate a conversation, and would like suggestions for the best course of action in the future.
27 comments
Stop talking to her so much. Talk to friends instead
Stop bringing up topics which aren’t interesting to her, unless it’s absolutely necessary. The news and “your interests” which clearly don’t interest her dont fall in this category. You’re boring her dude, learn some calibration
have you had a conversation about this outside of the moment? like “hey recently I’m not really feeling your presence when I’m trying to talk to you, you tell me you’re listening but I don’t feel heard. what about a weekly date night where we both put our phones & screens away? that way we can actually have some quality time where I don’t feel like I’m fighting for your attention. if you’ve lost interest in spending screen-free time with me, please let me know”
Has she always been this way? Or is it a sudden change?
Don’t talk at her so much. She probably finds it obnoxious.
This could have been written by my husband at one point. He sometimes tells rambling stories about specific things I’m not interested in and he likes to discuss them late at night when I need to wind down for bed.
Do you guys have solid communication where she can tell you that she’s 1) not interested in a topic you like to talk about a lot 2) not able to engage with the topic right now 3) your story telling style is less than riveting?
I think it’s ok that she doesn’t want to talk about the news. It’s less ok that she’s not interested in your interests at all. Can you cut out all news talk and find some friends to chat about that with? Hopefully taking out one half of what she is not interested in will help her be more interested in the other half.
One of the hardest parts of living with a partner is feeling like you always have to be “on.” It takes mental time and energy to listen to someone throughout the day, and can be very taxing when all you want to do is zone out and reset your brain. As an introvert with ADHD who tends to date vivacious extroverts, it can be very exhausting to listen to them go on and on about their own day, interest, hobby. It often feels selfish how much of my attention they feel entitled to, just because we live together. This robs me of time that I can focus on my own interests and daydreams, and I almost always feel that they don’t have nearly as much curiosity about me as they expect me to have about them.
It sounds like your partner is giving you very clear physical and verbal cues that she needs space and doesn’t want to engage. Maybe she feels drained and doesn’t want to focus her energy on you right now. Her responses show some resentment, so maybe she feels like you don’t ask her about her own day enough, don’t ask her about her hobbies, don’t have the listening skills that you expect her to have. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk.
I mean, really…. You have to ask her if she’s paying attention? That means the conversation is extremely one-sided and you are doing ALL the talking. If you are having a conversation where you are the only one talking, it means the other person is bored and disinterested, and you are droning on and on. If you’re talking to someone and they aren’t also talking 50% of the time, then you are being rude by talking too much.
If you are talking so much that your wife completely disengages and doesn’t notice you saying ridiculous things then you are not having a conversation; you are just talking at her.
A conversation would be two people each talking and listening to the other, not one person boring on about the news for ages and expecting a rapt audience hanging on his every word.
Saying “what do you think about that?” Is forcing her to play a supporting part in your broadcast and a way for you to keep on expounding on your chosen topic. You don’t actually care what she thinks, you just want to know she is paying attention to your lecture.
Think about getting couples therapy to work on your communication skills. Start having engaging conversations where you only talk 50% of the time and the rest of the time you are listening. Actually listening, not just waiting to speak again. You are boring your wife and that is a relationship killer.
Wait. You said you do the same thing to her.
How would you want HER to respond when you’re the one doing it while she’s talking?
First you have to stop doing it yourself because that’s the only thing you can control. When that becomes your new norm then you can bring it up.
If you are ‘talking to her’ and not actually having a conversation, that sounds like you are monologing. Monologgers are tedious as they expect you to listen to them ad nauseum and get annoyed if you show your attention might be flagging. Your wife needs to learn to express her boundaries more clearly. She obviously doesn’t want to listen to you drone on for ages. Start with one sentence, if she doesn’t respond go and do something else.
You are boring her. Try to talk about something engaging that you are both excited about. No one wants to be lectured ad nauseam.
Yeah this could have been written about me by my ex. She talked so much, at a level of detail that was just too much. I literally could not pay attention, my brain would just slip away. I was constantly being pulled away from things I was doing or thinking about to have someone teach me about something I don’t care about. She repeated herself a lot. I was constantly getting to the point before she got there because she was so verbose.
I never had this issue with anyone else. Poor girl just needs some time for her brain to relax.
If you both do this, why would you like her to stop? Would you also consider stopping?
I think you need to sit down with her and find out what is actually going on. Suggest you set aside 10 mins per person per day to talk and interact. No phones, no distractions. Then after a week of that get feedback on how it is going for her.
More than 20 mins of downloading at the end of a long day is a lot for most, you might need to practice being concise and decide what exactly to tell your wife about.
My husband has a very busy job, I talk to him about things that impact us. Or I share very short funny stories. If he’s not able to listen at that moment, he’ll ask, can we do this later? And I have learned not to be offended.
Good luck.
What kind of conversations are these? If you need her attention for something important, say “can we find fifteen minutes today to talk about X?”
My boyfriend has similar complaints about me not being engaged in conversations, but he works much less than me at a much less demanding role so I’m just tired and exhausted at the end of the day while he wants to chat. We are trying to set times like going for evening walks to talk with undivided attention.
Have you tried reading the room and either changing the subject to one she responds enthusiastically to, or just… being quiet? Or finding a different person to talk to in that moment if you’re feeling chatty and she isn’t? She is giving you very clear signals she is not interested in talking about whatever topic you’re rambling about. I understand feeling frustrated if she brushes you off like this all the time, but it’s also really annoying being on the other end of this and feeling obligated to have a lively conversation about something you’re not interested in at all.
I actually just stop talking altogether. Then 10 mins go by and I get a “huh”. Its infuriating but I decided not to waste my time.
I also started doing it back, he hates it and gets so mad. I don’t care anymore lol
My husband does this. Unfortunately it’s the way he’s wired. If he doesn’t care 1000 percent about a subject he starts to drift. I’ve had about a bazillion talks with him about how unimportant I feel. He gets confused because isn’t it obvious I’m (and our son) are the most important things? Yes. It is.
So I condense things. If it’s important I make him Parrot back the important parts. If I’m still concerned I follow up in text, even if we are in the same room. It’s just part of that relationship compromise you have to do in real life.
I posted something similar. My bf is exactly like you. I say I’m not interested in the topic/no thoughts on it because the question has been immediately spring loaded onto what you’ve told me. I need time to process and think about the information you’ve given me to come up with a retort. Me saying “I don’t have any opinions” used to make my partner drone on and on. I’ve turned into “I have no interest” or “I have nothing further to add to this conversation.” Which is curt but sets clear boundaries that I don’t want to have a dialogue about this so please refrain from bringing it up again.
I think you two need to have some key phrases you say to one another and maybe explore what you are both interested in talking about. For example, my partner and I both enjoy music, but different genres. I’m not going to want him to talk to me about country music and he’s not going to want me to talk about RnB. Find what you two want to talk about.
Also, you should record yourself speaking. It sounds like you are monologging and if you’re anything like my bf, his monotone voice becomes waning very quickly which makes it unbearable to listen to. Maybe that’s you’re problem? You’re not a very interesting storyteller? A storyteller knows their audience and how to keep them captivated. Perhaps work on your oracy skills.
Are you actually having a conversation or **talking at her**?
Because people love to claim they’re having a conversation when really it’s one person talking incessantly and the other person being hit with an avalanche of words
I have ADHD and I really need people to touch my arm and say 1 sentence…. Condense your message to one sentence:
“Olivia your house is on fire.” (I need an arm touch)
Ok you have my attention. It’s on fire? “No rent is due and we need to come up with ways to pay for it.”
Oh that’s boring but I understand…. Then give me a couple of minutes. Sit next to me while we come up with plans (body doubling). Be patient. It will be okay.
Hang on. You said that you do it too? Bit unfair to have a problem with someone doing something you do as well.
If the real problem is that you feel you have tried to connect and were shot down, then address *that*. And remember that your spouse is not going to fulfil every single relational need you have. If she’s just flat out not interested in the topic you can’t wave a magic wand and make your wife love talking about news or politics or whatever. You need to find meaningful ways to connect with eachother that work all round. Sure, some compromise is needed in all relationships, but that also means compromise on your side too. This is why it’s healthy to have friends and hobbies outside of your SO.
Like others mentioned, you might be talking at her and not with her. Conversations should be engaging. Don’t say more than a few sentences at a time. After each, pause to hear what she thinks of the topics. You can also say “have you experienced that?” Or “what do think about that” or “do you think that’s bizarre?”
Rolling eyes and using the phone is not very nice on her part. I’d talk to her in a separate discussion about how contempt is a relationship killer and you want to hear how she feels rather than guessing, so she should let you know if she’s not interested rather than showing contempt.
You never listed an option for you to stop talking at her. All of these are options on ways to get her to pay attention to you, but nothing in what you typed is empathetic towards her perspective. Maybe she’s just not interested in what you’re talking about and you’re just brute forcing conversation.
If you’re not angry about it or judging her, then just stop talking when you notice she’s not paying attention .
All these little gotchas you’re proposing sure sound like you ARE angry. I don’t blame you, I’d be angry too. You BOTH need to do better at actively listening to each other.