How did you stop being the toxic person in your relationships?

6 comments

1. I used to be very intensely anxious about the possibility of abandonment and it made me act overly clingy and critical sometimes. Trauma therapy to address the root cause was the only cure.

2. I grew up and recognized that time to yourself is just as important as time together.

3. I don’t think I was necessarily *the* toxic person in the relationship since I was married to an extremely abusive man, but my behaviour was definitely toxic at times. I realised I could just walk away if the relationship wasn’t meeting my needs and that made me less anxious about their actions and choices.

   I had little mantra I repeated to myself all of the time, “give them freedom to choose and see what they prefer”. Remembering they were free to do what they wanted and I was free to leave.

4. Lots of therapy. Lots of “ I am responsible for this “ and not bringing the other person in the responsibility/accountability check. Lots of being honest with myself first .

   And I think most importantly self forgiveness and self compassion. I was toxic because I had a lot of pain and trauma from childhood and I didn’t know how to BE in a relationship except the same way my caregivers were.

   ( my ex was… see… the whole my ex was is completely unhelpful in these conversations. This isn’t about abusive messed up ex. This is about being radically responsible for your own part of the drama )

5. Self-awareness and understanding how my childhood trauma has effected me. Knowing when to apologize and ask for forgiveness when I know I’ve been acting a bit *intense*. Learning and gaining the knowledge + vocabulary to tell my partner what I plan to do differently in the future if said issue comes up again.

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