I’ve been dating him almost 3 years. I feel alone. He’s gone a lot of weekends overnight to play video games with his friends and get drunk. I do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of his daughter and my son.
His behavior is getting less and less loving lately. I’m tired of being left to do the hard work in the relationship while he goes and does whatever he wants. We’ve talked about it and it just doesn’t get any better. He will do some dishes once a month and act like I should be super delighted but day in and day out its me who has to do everything.
I know I need to end it but I feel so guilty over his daughter who has for the first time in her life started to have a real life. She’s worked through some really bad behavior issues and is becoming a great kid. When I break up with him it will undoubtedly ruin his life and his daughters. (House we rent is in my name, I’m making the payments on the car he drives, he doesn’t have any savings.)
How do I get over my guilt of what I’m doing to him and his daughter so that I can do what is best for me and my son?
I don’t want to do this anymore but I don’t know how to live with myself if I break it off and ruin their lives.
33 comments
well its his job to raise his daughter not yours. plus i dont think your doing your son any favors by allowing this to continue. he may pick up that its acceptable for men to act like that. you just have to decide which is more important to you. i know sometimes theres no easy answers. sometimes you just gotta choose the lesser of two evils and it kinda sucks. but it needs done
>When I break up with him it will undoubtedly ruin his life
If you breaking up with him ruins his life, it’s because he didn’t have shit going for himself. That’s on him. So it wouldn’t really be *you* ruining his life. It would be his own failure to stand on his own two feet.
If his life is ruined he has no one to blame but himself. Tell him he has 30 days to find somewhere else to live. Tell his daughter that she’s a great kid, that this isn’t her fault, and that she can call you whenever she wants.
Maybe it would help if you book a couples counseling session and let him know there. The therapist can help you with your feelings of guilt, as well.
Or, here’s an idea a therapist taught me that has really helped me a few times: write him a letter. Take more than 24 hours to make sure you don’t forget any points and to make sure your tone is right. Then, ask him to listen to you as you read it to him and to wait until you’re done before responding. Then, give it to him. This really helped me end a relationship with a drug addict girlfriend as clearly but gently as possible.
He is the one ruining his life. He needs to grow up and realise he is a father, and his daughter is his responsibility. You are not his wife, and you are not his child’s mother. It’s time to put yourself first.
Updateme!
You’re not ruining his life. He’s taking advantage of you. He’s a hobosexual and you’re the bangmaid babysitter footing the bills.
I can appreciate feeling badly for the kiddo but at the end of the day, she’s not your responsibility and you may have all of the responsibility but you have no legal authority. Hopefully, her mom will step in for her if dad can’t sort it.
You’re not a goddamn charity or a rehab center. Your life isn’t a fucking daycare for man-children who can’t get their shit together. If he’s not pulling his weight and you’re breaking your back for a thankless fuck who’d rather get drunk and play games than be a responsible adult, then you need to kick him and his baggage to the curb. You’re not responsible for his shitty decisions or his daughter’s well-being. Secure your future and your son’s, and stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. Stop being a fucking doormat, put your foot down, and reclaim your goddamn life.
You get the courage by looking at the damage this is doing to your son – yes damage as you are modeling a relationship where this man is using you like a bang maid – do you want your son to treat women this way????
Remind yourself of these *important* points:
**You’re letting yourself down** by allowing yourself to be used as an ATM, a maid, a surrogate parent, and a sexual release by someone who is NOT earning his own way, nor cleaning up his and his daughter’s messes, nor parenting his child.
**You’re harming your son daily** by allowing him to view women as bang-maids and men as careless selfish asses who do as they please and expect breasts/vaginas do the heavy lifting in life.
**Every dime** you’re spending on bf i**s money you COULD be spending on having a happier life with your son** (extra curriculars, vacations, hobbies) or a more secure future with your son (savings for trips, college, better housing).
There will always be poor people. There will always people with crappy parents. There will always be people who don’t *want* to deal with the harsh realities of “adulting”. It’s not YOUR job to save them. It’s not YOUR job to teach them. **You should be looking for a PARTNER, not a PROJECT to fix up!**
You can either *woman-up!* and get this guy out of your life so you can *make room in your life to meet a BETTER MAN who will be your partner and a role model for your son* **OR** you can continue to allow yourself to be manipulate and feel guilty while you build resentment and wallow in a half-life of your own choosing.
1. Check your lease and see what you need to do, legally, to get him and his daughter OUT.
2. Give him any required legal notice (30 days, whatever) and stick to it. Put a huge note up on the kitchen cupboard door “Move Out Day: November 30, 2023”.
3. Help your STBX-BF’s daughter pack her stuff. Talk to her about how much she’s grown, how much you care for her, how special she is. **Unlike everyone else here, I’m going to recommend that you go 100% No Contact with her after they move out.** The reason is that your STBX-BF is *very manipulative*. Allowing HER to stay in your life is going to necessitate allowing HIM to stay in your life; and you can’t afford that! You’re like an addict that needs to go cold turkey on him and that means you can’t see, text, talk to, visit, video chat with his daughter. **BLOCK HIM and his friends/family 100% after he moves out. Make sure you’re off the “adult authorized to pick-up” list at his daughter’s school.**
4. Start reading some self-help books (free at library, low-cost at second-hand bookstores). Google things like “making and enforcing healthy boundaries”. Books will be recommended which you can then look up on [amazon.com](https://amazon.com) and [goodreads.com](https://goodreads.com). You can read the reviews, perhaps read a few pages of the books online and see which ones pique your interest.
Best wishes on a happier healthier 2024 for you and your son. BTW: Your son should not even MEET anyone you date until you’ve dated them for at least a year. Bringing SO’s into your son’s life results in unnecessary loss and confusion as demonstrated by this whole debacle of trying to kick someone out of your lives.
By reminding yourself that by enabling him, you’re harming your son.
It’s very sad that his daughter will suffer but you shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. His daughter is his responsibility.
And his assholery is breathtaking. You’re carrying him financially and he’s okay with you doing all the drudgery that keeps your lives going?
You CANNOT keep being his doormat for his daughter’s sake. Your life and your son’s life have value too. Teach your son that men have equal responsibility.
>How do I get over my guilt of what I’m doing to him and his daughter so that I can do what is best for me and my son?
Could you kick him out and keep the daughter?
Viable options.
* Send him an eviction notice
* Rent another house and move
He’s not worried about ruining your life and putting all the burden on you while he goes out and plays video games and gets drunk while you parent his child.
I did this for many years taking care of my ex’s kids while he did wtf he wanted. He took advantage of me financially just like your bf is doing.
Look after yourself and your child.
Contact the daughters mom, or grandparents, or whomever in her life you think would be most likely to help, and tell them everything you’ve seen about her. And the lack of parental care and guidance from her dad.
Stop making his car payments and doing anything for him.
Tell him to take his daughter with him on weekends, he is abandoning her.
You are being used, no need to feel guilty.
You aren’t responsible for his kid and I know that sounds harsh but you have your own kid who is not getting what he deserves from you because you are picking up the slack of this leech.
I will also caution you on letting him use your car. If he gets tickets or in an accident, they can come after you! Be smart about this. Think of it like a business transaction.
If he isn’t on the lease at all, you may be in some hot water with your LL. However, if you need to use them for help kicking him out, do so.
You may have to evict him, so that may require you to talk with your LL.
He ruined his own life-he’s responsible for providing for himself and his own child.
So you now have three kids. Because he is a teenager, practically.
It’s time for you to throw him out. Don’t keep in contact with the kid, because this will open him to try to work his way back into your life. He is going to use her to affect you.
Have a friend with you, pack his things and tell him he needs to go. If there is a need to evict him, give him notice. But don’t waver.
be straight forward and direct. Maybe have a friend close by for emotional support.
But don’t keep pushing the inevitable back.
As sad as it is, for his daughter, what is happening now is all her fathers fault. if he really cared about more than just his own enjoyment, then he’d be a good parther and in consequence to that a good father.
And please, you will not ruin their lifes. HE is.
If you breaking up with him will ruin his life then he has nothing going for himself. no career no plan, nothing but playing games and leaving being a parent to you.
Do you know if the girl has grandparents that she can turn to maybe? If so, i would inform them , after you broke up with him, that you broke up with her father and that she will need all the support they can give because he is a lousy father.
Tell him to move out or you need to give him an eviction notice if he doesn’t comply within X days (check for rules where you leave).
You could also see if you can get guardianship of his daughter and he can pay child support. It sounds like you care more about her than about him. You might want to consult a lawyer and get papers written, give them to your BF to sign. He sounds so irresponsible that he might actually sign them and move with a friend.
Doesn’t she have grandparents or mother she can move in with? You could also alert them and they could work with a lawyer to take her.
You are nothing more to him than a babysitter.
So what I’m hearing is he’s a deadbeat and you want to make him face the consequences of his life choices? Just do it! Sit down with him and say this is not working out. You are never here and you leave me to raise your child which is unfair to both her and me, and my child! You have 30 days to move out. This is not negotiable! I never signed on to have two more dependents, and your behavior the last several months has not been acceptable.
He’s going to argue, he’s going to blame you for anything with his kid… The fact is the kids only thriving because somebody else is taking care of her besides him! Yes that sucks for the kid, but hopefully he will step up once he has to. Take back the car, get his name off of any account and just make them leave!
He’s ruining you life. Is his life more important than yours? Is his daughters life more important than yours? Why are other peoples life more important than yours? Maybe talk to a professional.
You can’t let your son grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat a partner. You can’t let him grow up thinking this is what a relationship should be like. Even BFs daughter needs to be shown that a man should not get away with treating her like this.
You’re letting yourself down and you’re setting a truly damaging example to both of the children if you let this continue.
It will be hard but if this ruins his life it’s because he created a situation where he took advantage of you and made no effort to protect himself or his daughter from the consequences. If he had been a remotely decent partner or father, you breaking up with him couldn’t ruin anything.
He ruined his life. Not you.
Learn about codependency. His life is his responsibility and his alone.
Does the girl have a mother? Grandparents? I would say, have a come to reality talk with your bf. Tell him how you feel and where it’s heading. If he is unwilling to make any changes, then it’s over. Maybe talk to the grandparents ( if there are any) let them know the situation snd your concern for the girl. Her parents are failing her, not you. He’s 33. Time to grow up.
You don’t get over the guilt… it’s called having concern for others and that’s a good thing. That being said if your unhappy then you really have no other choice. Good luck.
Hello friend. The world is full of givers and takers. Unfortunately the takers outnumber us givers. When we give, it’s never enough to satisfy them. They will take until there is nothing left, and wonder why you’re a shell.
Do you want your child or his to think this treatment of a partner is ok?
As they say, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Where is the girl’s mother? He’s not a fit patent
Perhaps one last heart to heart with bitter truth can be attempted. It’s not about the dishes; if he isn’t able to allocate free time to you and the kids, doesn’t contribute financially, morally then he is merely using you. If he can take that responsibility, good. If not, you need to cut him loose. His daughter could possibly remain in touch, but you have a lot with your son to focus on, so you will have to set priorities right and stick by them.
Sometimes you have to do for yourself it really isn’t against him. It’s because of him.
You don’t know that kicking out your bf and his child will ruin their lives. That should be your goal. Start by not paying for his car. Stop doing his laundry. Object to weekend game playing. He does dishes Monday and Wednesday. Assign him vacuuming. You never vacuum. After a month of this give him 30 days notice.
You are not ruining their lives, HE is. He is choosing to spend time with friends rather than with family, he is demanding the hard work of realising a child, he is choosing how to spend his money.
Please, remind yourself that your first duty is to yourself, then to your child.