My boyfriend 19/M after a year of being together and a lot of toying with my feelings is finally ready to have sex. And I 19/M don’t know if I still want to.

So we’ve been together for nearly a year. I knew he wasn’t a very touchy type at first. When we first started dating, he initially said it may be an open relationship. I said I was OK with that if necessary, but not my preference. He said if I gave him some time to try to figure things out he may come around.

I lived with a friend at the time and my room wasn’t very private, so he didn’t want to do anything unless we lived together. I totally understood so I figured it was OK.

Fast forward a month or two and my roommates kicked me out after taking advantage of me. We both lived in my car for about two months. During that time, he had said that he didn’t want to have his first sexual experience in a car. I understood that as well of course. But we later tried basic oral just to see. It ended pretty badly.

Eventually we got out own place. We touched a little bit, but after that it was almost nothing for months. I would be forced to sit in my room and masturbate, and as a result we grew farther apart. I did everything he asked to make it easier on him. He wanted to schedule things so he could expect them. But he never followed through on the schedule.

I would hide myself in my room not wanting to see him because it felt like I was being led on. I would watch porn when i needed to with him in the other room. He would also make grossed out remarks about hentai that i liked if i tried to share it with him which really made me feel gross. Nothing was happening between us. He also has a hard time knowing what feels good to other people so it was always very bland if we did anything.

I reached my limit and told him something needed to change. He said if I needed an open relationship he would accept that. So that’s what happened. I ended up losing my virginity to someone else. I had a friend with benefits who I had crazy chemistry with and we had tons of fun. All of this was during a time where I was the only one working and doing most of the housework because he was depressed and had panic attacks. I was burnt out and stressed. He got extremely cold towards me and it felt like I didn’t even have a partner anymore.

One night, he came up to me and asked if I would still want to have sex with him. He expected an enthusiastic yes, so he was shocked at my hesitation. I was very upset. He had months to do these things with me. And barely two weeks as I’m doing things with other people now he wanted me. But I said I wanted to as well. Even still during this things were inconsistent and bland. I’m talking maybe twice a month. With constant failed plans that HE made. Oral was still the most we had ever done. Plus I ALWAYS initiated it.

A few nights ago, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that I would never suggest he have sex with me if he even slightly didn’t want to. But I told him that it was unfair to me to trap me here and not do anything at all with me. I said either figure out if you can do this or not, or I cannot be with you anymore.

Now we come to tonight. He asked me yesterday if we could actually try to do it for real. Now I don’t think I want to. I’ve been lied to, manipulated, and I feel unwanted. I don’t know if I should forgive him for this past year of hurt like that. During our entire relationship, I’ve also been the lead. I pay the bills. I make almost all the money. I drive everywhere. I. Do. EVERYTHING.

TLDR, after a year of constantly lying to me about wanting to have sex, my partner now wants to do it. Now I find myself unwilling to forgive this past year of mistreatment.

This is by FAR the longest post I’ve ever written. If anyone has any ideas, please help. Thank you so much. ❤️