I (21F) have been with my partner (21M) for a little under 2 years.
The only problem in our relationship has been our sex life. I often feel used after we have sex. This always happens when we stop having sex after he orgasms and I didn’t orgasm. We talk about this often and lately these conversations have been putting stress on our relationship.
I probably feel so used when this happens, due to my previous and first relationship with very one-sided sex (sex was over immediately once he came, wouldn’t reciprocate oral, wouldn’t do aftercare, etc).
As a result if this, I see an orgasm for both parties as an important part of healthy, consensual sex. I’ve talked about this with my therapis, who thinks an orgasm is unimportant, as long as I enjoy the act and connection of sex itself. But I still haven’t gotten rid of that horrible feeling after sex when I didn’t orgasm but my partner did.
I can’t seem to orgasm from manual, oral or penetration, which doesn’t make this issue easier to resolve. Vibrators are the only method that’s ever worked for me, masturbation included. For context it takes about 20 minutes, 10-15 when combined with penetration.
However, he doesn’t always last long enough for me to orgasm during PIV with vibrator, about 50/50. He told he can’t go multiple rounds l so that isn’t an option.
In those cases after PIV, I’d like him to stay engaged while we use the vibrator together (or him fingering me, touching me, talking to me, looking at me).
However, he doesn’t really want to, he’s not engaged during these moments: he says he’d rather just lay next to me. I’ve told him this lack of engagement is turning me off.
We’ve tried it during foreplay instead of after PIV, because he’s still in the mood then, but it seems like he’s ‘waiting’ for PIV sex and it rushes me, so it doesn’t work.
When I talk to him about it he’s very supportive of me using the vibrator, but in the moment it seems like the vibrator is turning him off.
He can be very enthusiastic about eating me out or fingering me, but he doesn’t enjoy doing it for as long as I’d like.
Lately we’ve been trying to give me an orgasm through oral, as I’d like a more mutual experience in these situations, rather than just me masturbating next to him. However we’ve not been able to try for longer oral, because it gets uncomfortable/tiring for him after 10 minutes. I find this a bit odd, as I have never had problems giving head for up to an hour.
When he comes quicker than I do and I ask him to help me, he sometimes gets sad, says he can’t control how long he lasts and that I’m expecting too much from him. He doesn’t understand why I expect an orgasm every time when we have sex, he also mentioned it’s about the act and connection.
I’m the higher libido partner, which makes him feel like I want too much sex. I partially desire more sex, because the lack of (effort for) my orgasm wouldn’t make me feel so used if I knew we’d be having sex multiple times that day. He prefers sex just once or twice a week. I’ll feel used and disgusted about what happend the whole week. He fears that we’re not sexually compatible. I hate that it may be true, because we love each other and make a great couple otherwise, but sex just makes me feel so horrible.
7 comments
Wow you really need to talk to him. If he doesn’t listen after multiple times you have to reconsider whether you’d like to be with this person.
A typical uneducated (in a sensual/sexual sense) self absorbed young male. I’d just find someone else, maybe a little older, and certainly more aware of how female Arousal works (so different from men). All you can do is point him to educational materials (plenty of books and online resources). However, it is up to him to take action. Put it in his hands – get with the program or take a hike. There are plenty of younger men out there for you, and hopefully you find one that knows how too treat a lady. All the best.
Have you thought about extended foreplay and have him get you off first before sex? Try talking to him about getting you off beforehand and then maybe snuggle a bit afterwards.
Selfish lovers are the worst.
Don’t tolerate that shit for one second.
There is someone out there that will care enough about you that will want you to be happy as well.
Move on from this selfish lover asap.
Definitely selfish. If he doesn’t listen to you and what you enjoy, then it seems like you have the choice of enjoying his companionship, and being unsatisfied sexually or leaving him. Being that way sexually, I would imagine translates to his personality. Is there good chemistry and not enough effort? Or just bad chemistry. I’ve been in those situations and they neve changed for me. Just my advice based on things that happened to me. And I am a hetero male.
The classical text for a pair where the man orgasms and concludes sex without satisfying the woman is Ian Kerner *She Comes First*
This does sound a little bigger, though. What the fuck is up with your therapist saying it’s ok for you to not cum? I guess the answer for your therapist is that, no – you don’t feel connected and only partly enjoyed the act. The way it concluded by devaluing your pleasure poisoned the whole business and leaves you feeling even less connected than before.
I mean, every once in a while things will be off, that’s fair. But for you to give him head for an hour while ten minutes is too long to give you head … that’s rubbish.
I think this is the way out of this. You can’t control other people but you can be very honest about yourself, and if you’ve been trying to soothe him and the therapist by saying that the sex was at least moderately pleasurable, you’re undercutting yourself.
Be honest in therapy. Your lover gets you aroused and then leaves you hanging, which makes you feel isolated and unimportant to him. You deserve to feel important.
>I often feel used after we have sex. This always happens when we stop having sex after he orgasms and I didn’t orgasm.
Makes perfect sense.
>We talk about this often and lately these conversations have been putting stress on our relationship.
The stress is probably because you feel used because the sex is unfair and he feels entitled to be lazy. That would stress me out too.
>As a result if this, I see an orgasm for both parties as an important part of healthy, consensual sex.
I think that is very reasonable.
>I’ve talked about this with my therapis, who thinks an orgasm is unimportant, as long as I enjoy the act and connection of sex itself.
I think your therapist is used to talking to people who struggle to orgasm and is trying to be kind in case that’s your problem. But I don’t think that’s your problem.
>For context it takes about 20 minutes, 10-15 when combined with penetration.
I’ve had sex with several women and this is totally normal in my experience.
>However, he doesn’t always last long enough for me to orgasm during PIV with vibrator, about 50/50. He told he can’t go multiple rounds l so that isn’t an option.
Uhh… has your BF ever considered the idea that sex can be had without using his dick at all? He has hands, right?
>In those cases after PIV, I’d like him to stay engaged while we use the vibrator together (or him fingering me, touching me, talking to me, looking at me).
This is a reasonable expectation. A considerate partner would do this.
>However, he doesn’t really want to, he’s not engaged during these moments: he says he’d rather just lay next to me.
He wants to relax through his refractory period. That’s reasonable if you get to get off first, or if you take turns going last.
>I’ve told him this lack of engagement is turning me off.
I’d be turned off too.
>We’ve tried it during foreplay instead of after PIV, because he’s still in the mood then, but it seems like he’s ‘waiting’ for PIV sex and it rushes me, so it doesn’t work.
Well that’s shitty of him. A considerate partner wouldn’t rush you.
>When I talk to him about it he’s very supportive of me using the vibrator, but in the moment it seems like the vibrator is turning him off.
So he’s willing to lie to you to get you to keep fucking him. What a prince.
>He can be very enthusiastic about eating me out or fingering me, but he doesn’t enjoy doing it for as long as I’d like.
Oh come on. It’s only 20 minutes. A considerate partner will do it for 20 minutes.
>However we’ve not been able to try for longer oral, because it gets uncomfortable/tiring for him after 10 minutes.
That’s pathetic, honestly. I can tell you from having done both that licking a clit is about five times easier/less tiring than sucking a dick. Perhaps he needs to exert some effort to find a more comfortable position.
>When he comes quicker than I do and I ask him to help me, he sometimes gets sad, says he can’t control how long he lasts and that I’m expecting too much from him.
Well that sounds manipulative.
>He doesn’t understand why I expect an orgasm every time when we have sex, he also mentioned it’s about the act and connection.
Oh really? Does HE orgasm every time you have sex?
>I partially desire more sex, because the lack of (effort for) my orgasm wouldn’t make me feel so used if I knew we’d be having sex multiple times that day.
Reasonable.
>He prefers sex just once or twice a week. I’ll feel used and disgusted about what happend the whole week.
Your feelings are reasonable. And I’m not sure your libido is actually higher. He’s just getting off and you’re not. I wonder what would happen to your libido if you actually got as many orgasms as he does.
>He fears that we’re not sexually compatible.
You’re not. You could be if he gave a shit about your feelings and wasn’t a lazy pillow prince, but he’s not willing to exert any effort. When he says he wants you to be “compatible”, what he means is that he wants you to give up on orgasming and lie back and let him masturbate into your vag.
>I hate that it may be true, because we love each other and make a great couple otherwise, but sex just makes me feel so horrible.
Horrible sex will kill your relationship.
Look, if you really want to put in the effort, you can call him on being selfish and see if his behavior changes. But usually it doesn’t. You’re a catch, sis, and your sex drive sounds normal and fun to me. Don’t waste it on a guy who doesn’t appreciate it.