We’ve been together since 2017, married since 2019 with two beautiful children (3 & 2 year old). We’ve always seemed to overcome any obstacle throughout the years (finances, communication and partying on his part) but shortly after our 4 year wedding anniversary in February (and not too long after hanging out with his best friend/“brother”) earlier this year, he popped positive for an STD. He claimed that he didn’t know how he could’ve gotten it and swore to God and on the children that he didn’t cheat. To say that it’s turned my and our family’s life upside down is an understatement. I also got tested but was negative (Thank God). Initially, our marriage almost didn’t make it due to how much it was rocked to the core. We doubled down on marriage/individual counseling, communication and putting each other first (etc.) and for several months, I saw a huge improvement from both of us. Six months after the initial incident, he went out with his best friend again (they go out sporadically), and even though we had an agreement, set boundaries/an appropriate time for him to be home and i trusted he would honor said agreement , he still ended up staying out later than the agreed time and didn’t come home until 6:30am (partying and getting drunk all night and having to sleep at the friends house bc he was too drunk to drive).
Even though I was livid and confronted his ass when he got home, we were able to move forward and makes some progress and he have some level of consistency. I find myself resentful and holding a grudge with him because of his reckless, irresponsible behavior and how it’s changed the dynamics of our lives. I know that he is an amazing dad and that he does love me but I told him this week that I am at my wits end, I’m not happy right now, and have no more chances to give and that we needed space (he’s sleeping in the guest room) and at the slightest sign of any further disappointment or sign that he’s going backwards: I’m done with his ass… he’s told me (due to the help of his therapist) that he realizes how bad it looked to be out all night even if it was to make sure his friend made it home safely and won’t go out with his friend anymore (“because he’s finally acknowledged/accepted that it’s not fun anymore or a good look as a married man with a family”) but instead just invite him over to our house for a bro’s night. I’m at a point where I refuse to get my hopes up and his promises mean nothing to me (to which he said he’s going to prove through his actions).
Am I wrong/also sabotaging my marriage during times when I overthink about everything that’s happened and lash out or become irritable /critical with him at random times? I’ve noticed that even the smallest things will now just piss me off(dishes in the sink for example). Should I just leave with our kids and not even wait to see what will happen next? I know some women who have/would’ve left for a lot less and that’s why I’m also angry with myself (I’ve recently left before just for space and normally in relationships NEVER give second chances) to which rocked him to his core at how empty the house felt without me and the kids there. I feel so stupid, hurt, angry and so many things…I at a loss at this point. Should I protect myself (emotionally, mentally, spiritually (going to either way)) and just wait (while preparing for divorce) to see if there is any consistent improvement in his behavior during this waiting period before moving forward?
Any advice please.
Side Notes:
•We’re both 28.
•**I do believe that something happened even if he was blackout drunk one night and may not remember but not ruling out that it could be a complete lie and he’s just saying that to save his ass.
•His best friend is 25, single (1 kid but not with child’s mother), bachelor that doesn’t understand our situation bc he’s never been married or had a serious relationship, and I don’t feel like he respects our relationship/marriage at all forreal/makes little jabs from time to time.
•••••••**(Not putting the blame on the friend, irregardless if he doesn’t respect our relationship my husband should no matter the situation or circumstance and act accordingly)
•they (hubby & friend) have known each other since they were kids. His friend also is very reckless and has put himself in dangerous situations while out with hubby because he knows hubby “has his back”, even if it will ultimately cost him his family or put his own self in danger.
•The kids always look or ask for either of us are when we’re not all together (regular activities like work or running to the store but also when he’s out with his friend) which makes it even harder when i do consider completely separating/ divorcing him.