Bear with me here it might take a while to explain and throw away account as I’m not active enough on my main account to be allowed to post.
We have been together about 2 and a half years and previously have had a fantastic sex life, I still maintain that it got better and better the longer we were together. More connected more passionate etc.
However the last 6 months or so has been really hit and miss. We might go a month or a few weeks without sex and then we might do it 3 times over 3 days and then back to nothing again. I’ve tried talking to her about it quite a few times and it always seems to end in an argument. So I approached it differently while we were on holiday and we had a good chat about it but never got to what I think the issue at hand is. I always am the one who initiates it and 90 percent of the time I get rejected. I’m okay with that but it’s more the fact that she doesn’t initiate and always says no when I do. I don’t mind not having sex but I’m not even getting points for trying here.
She told me she would make more of an effort which I really feel like I haven’t seen. I even bought some stuff we can use in the bedroom including date night activities and the adventure challenge book. I try lots of different ways to get her in the mood and do things that she likes but she often tends to get shitty at me for it and then I just back off and carry on with my evening.
It’s as if she shuts down and becomes defensive, so the last time I tried (a few nights ago) she ended up pushing me away and giving the cold shoulder. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing. I said well you just pushed me away there’s definitely something wrong here? She said could you not tell that I didn’t want to and I said no I had no idea sorry (she was kissing me back fyi)
The next day I asked if we would eventually sort this out and work through the issues we’ve talked about recently and I got a positive yes we will always work everything out but she also mentioned I’ll talk about it when I’m ready. Now before anyone asks it could be between a week and 12 months before she wants to talk about it. Quite notorious for saying she’ll do something and never get around to it.
Nothing is going to stop me from marrying her I would absolutely like to fix this. She is the most incredible person and i know we work extremly well together but i feel like I’ve tried to fix it a bunch of times with no luck so any insights I might not have thought of would be welcome 😊
25 comments
I’ve had this experience before, my husband wanting sex and me just…not. He’s introduced toys and is always up for anything. I told him he needs to back off, which he does for maybe a week, but I can start to feel him staring at me waiting.
I wonder if she needs total and complete space, don’t even try anything for a couple of months. Really just let her come to you, unprovoked.
Aside from that, I do think some couples therapy would be helpful, to help her understand how to better communicate with you and to help herself deal with whatever it is she’s going through.
I admire your commitment to her but a relationship is a team. You’re supposed to meet in the middle and work together. She doesn’t seem like she’s doing that right now.
Usually there’s a reason people stop wanting sex with their partners. For my ex, it was when she got on birth control. Fucked with her hormones. For me, it was when someone else caught my eye and I realized I didn’t love my then-gf anymore (slew of reasons). I wouldn’t tell her why I didn’t want sex anymore cause unless you’re fully ready to break up it’s hard to say “because I don’t love you.”
Some people do it when they’re cheating. Not trying to scare you, just saying different scenarios.
Unless she tells you herself we can’t really guess on it.
But the fact she won’t explain it after this long and realizing it’s causing strain doesn’t sound promising OP :/ are you going to spend the rest of your life begging for sex? And worst begging for sex, feeling like a creep, and then still being told “no”? I’ve been down that road and it always sucked and made me feel like shit so I relate to you
I think her lack of ability to communicate regarding the issue is going to make it extremely hard to actually fix. Sounds like you’ve made efforts to spice things up and make her more interested and it seems to have little to no impact. Though each thing you offered directly related to sex/bedroom, intimacy usually starts before then so maybe romance her a little and see where it goes. Rose petals, homemade candle lit dinner, run her a warm bath, and don’t do this with the mere intention of having sex but because you love her and see where things go.
My thoughts are either it’s biological changes she can’t explain/embarrassed about or that there’s a bigger issue at play. Intimacy like many other things is on top of a pyramid, where all other basic needs have to be met first so maybe their is other issues that are impacting this? I would also take notes of what does work well for you in succeeding in the task on the days things go well for you
“Nothing is going to stop me from marrying her**”**
Go ahead, fuck your life up.
>Nothing is going to stop me from marrying her…
Wanna bet?
>I would absolutely like to fix this.
You can’t and you won’t. You’ll just make it worse.
>She is the most incredible person and i know we work extremly well together but i feel like I’ve tried to fix it a bunch of times with no luck so any insights I might not have thought of would be welcome
Well, is she being treated for depression and/or taking any new medication for it? Because some of those will annihilate a person’s sex drive. The other possibility is that she may no longer be physically attracted to you. Or something life event happened 6 months ago that seriously changed their opinion of you. It could be anything. Hell, they may even be cheating.
The point is, you can’t fix it. You can wait it out and see what happens. You can accept it for what it is. You can say it’s a dealbreaker and end the relationship. But you can’t fix it. Only she can, and it sounds like she’s not really interested in fixing it.
From what you’re saying you’re the only one among you who sees this as a problem. Is she doing anything on her end to fix it? If not, what does that say?
Are you sure there’s no one else?
You say it’s about a few weeks to a month of no sex and then three days full of sex Is this just the average you estimate or a pattern? If it’s the latter you should see if her period is about in the middle of the sexless period. If so, the sex is most likely during her ovulation where her hormones “force” her to have sex and her hormones prevent her from any sexdrive in the rest of the time. That would explain why she can’t explain why she doesn’t want to have sex. In this case she should go to the gynaecologist or a endocrinologist to sort this out.
well.. it only gets worse.. best wishes..
ENM?
I hate to tell you this, but women especially I have seen like this, don’t get more sexual. They often become worse, except for pregnancy. Sex is 25% of a relationship, but 90% of why it fails. Have her go to the doctor, if it is not physical, don’t marry her, or your life will be miserable. You will feel lonely and sad with someone who gets less and less sexual.
Sigh…. Go to r/deadbedrooms. This is your future, as you yourself said nothing would stop you from marrying her. Go read a dozen topics there and think hard about it. Is that really what you want your life to be? Are you sure? That is the path you are heading down. What would your future self say to you now?
Dude, this is a dead bedroom in the making. Whatever you may believe right now, **do not** marry her unless this issue is resolved. Otherwise this will be the source of endless resentment, problems, and either eventual cheating or divorce.
If you marry her this will be the rest of your life. You may feel like you can cope with this now. But 20 years of being made to feel like a sex pest will destroy your soul.
Please rethink continuing on with her. It won’t be worth it.
Say it with me – “do not marry into this’.
Solve the problem, figure out the problem, or walk away from the relationship.
If she is not communicating and won’t explain herself then just abstain from physical touch of any sort. This way she will quickly pick up that there is an issue that must be dealt with. Either that or you can just keep acting like a child pulling at moms skirt hoping she says yes to what you want. I would figure this out before marriage.
It’s over.
Go through her phone
>Nothing is going to stop me from marrying her
You wrote a lot of something that should stop you, fam
I am very surprised no one has mentioned this thus far. Is she getting off everytime you are intimate and you do? Many times at the start of a relationship, the excitement and novelty is enough to hookup without reciprocation but over time that gets real old. And it’s usually the woman who experiences no reciprocation if anyone does. Then intimacy feels like a chore with no benefit to the woman and it’s no longer interesting. Many times women are too ashamed to say this. I don’t want to accuse you of being a selfish lover if you are reciprocating every single time so if that’s not the case, there could be another cause at play.
you’ll be in a sexless marriage.
It sounds like she may have an extra helping on the side. I would check her phone. Good luck.
Focus on yourself for a while. Go to the gym, invest time into hobbies and friends. You might be too needed (both sexually and emotionaly) see if giving her some space (ignoring her) is helping.
Sounds like the exact story my ex. Sex stopped, she was going out a lot more and low and behold she was cheating on me. Caught her red handed.
You know you don’t get pre sex after you’re married. Ask anyone who has been married,