I am still married to my husband as we separated in January and I don’t yet have the funds to cover a divorce. We were married for two years, but together for fourteen. We also have a son, who is 1 and a half, so I have to see my ex on a regular basis.
I seemed to start feeling like I was getting somewhere in August, I felt happier and I could see that perhaps life wouldn’t be so bad without him in my life. But then I regressed, badly. It all started with me making the mistake of agreeing to go to the cinema with him at the beginning of September. He’s been messaging me more, telling me how unhappy he is, which I knew anyway as I can tell by his standard of living that he isn’t quite right. He’s also told me he still cares about me like he always did, that he never stopped loving me. But he can’t answer why he doesn’t want to be with me. All he keeps saying is he hurt me so much and he hates himself for it. It’s holding me back from trying to build some semblance of a happy life without him as I keep believing he wants to come back but doesn’t want to face whatever issues he is having internally.
I’ve suggested counselling to him many times, individual and couples. He refused both, and then began to agree he does need to speak to someone, but doesn’t follow it up.
I’ve been to counselling myself, but can’t really afford to keep it up regularly. She does really help me, and tries to help me sort through my feelings, but nothing seems to stop me from feeling so low. I feel happy when I’m at work, but as soon as I get in my car, the sadness overcomes me.
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So he’s refused any forms of counselling yet he is unhappy, cares for you and loves you.
But isn’t prepared to do counselling? If he cared that much he’d do anything to sort things out…
You obviously split up for a reason, unless that reason has been resolved you can’t think that everything will work out between you.
It’ll get better, in time, I promise you that. But you do have to give it time
I’ve never had to experience this personally so take my advice with a grain of salt, but from what I can see if you don’t want to get back together, you need to set a really clear boundary. Ideally this would be zero contact but you’ve got the kid so you need some form of contact. Actually separating might help- as I understand it divorce doesn’t have to be the expensive legal thing it often is. If you’re both happy to go through mediation and do it amicably, it won’t be as expensive. However I guess they might make that difficult if they still have feelings.
Therefore you need to clarify it. Do they want to get back together? Do you? If either is a no, then that’s that, and you need to make it clear to them that that’s the case. Then every time they message you about anything other than the kid, say something like “We are no longer in a relationship, so I don’t want to discuss this with you.” and stop responding. It’ll suck and you’ll need to be strong though.
Hi. Man here who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 13 years.
I had another woman who was in to me and I did not cheat but we had an emotional affair. This affected me badly and I became a shit partner to my girlfriend as I was halfway out of the relationship (we had other problems already).
This is only 2 months ago and I am still living with my now ex girlfriend and have tried to make a go with the other woman. I thought I would be happier making a fresh start. I thought that she would be all of the things that my ex was plus the things that were missing but she isn’t and never will be.
I have realised that this was the biggest mistake in my life and have been miserable ever since. I had the notion that we are too far gone to ever try to reconcile our relationship so have been trying to force myself to keep going with the other woman and just try to be civil with my ex.
But last night I just sat down with her and told her the fucking lot. This was the biggest mistake of my life, I thought I could be happier but I’m not. I’ve been the biggest idiot ever and have hurt her badly and I don’t know if she can ever forgive me but I hope she can think about it to see if there’s anything in her that will let her try.
But this was not easy for me. I know, me me me. But it wasn’t easy on two fronts. Number 1, putting my heart on the line is just not easy. To be so honest about how badly I messed up is not a simple thing. Absolutely destroyed me actually. Number 2 whatever she decides this is opening up the wound again. I have been trying to keep my shit together so we both don’t have to repeat the initial heartbreak.
But in the end I just thought fuck it. If I don’t try now I will forever regret not trying. No matter what I must do now, if here is the smallest chance that I can win her back I will do it because I have only just realised how much I took her for granted. No matter what happens now I will know I made a mistake and tried my best to fix it because she is the one for me.
I do believe that if we parted ways straight away and went no contact I may not feel the same. I would but I would probably bury myself in my own misery and just try to keep on going.
If you don’t want to get back with your man you must try to keep as little contact as possible. No cinema, no coffee dates etc. Maybe you can be friends in the future but not now. this emotional rollercoaster is a wild ride and no reddit post can explain how you will feel and react
I hope it works out ok for us both
> He’s also told me he still cares about me
That’s a bullshit phrase all guys use I am afraid, It’s saying I really don’t want to be with you and I want to be with someone else but I don’t want you to get upset. They don’t care about you. If they left you and got with another partner they wouldn’t care for you one bit as in they wouldn’t look back. It’s the harsh reality but it’s true.
> But he can’t answer why he doesn’t want to be with me.
Life hasn’t manifested itself in the way he wanted it to. You can’t help that.
> I’ve suggested counselling to him
No one is coming to save him, Not councilling or anything. He needs to figure shit out on his own.
> but nothing seems to stop me from feeling so low. I feel happy when I’m at work, but as soon as I get in my car, the sadness overcomes me.
> She does really help me
Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like she doesn’t really help at all.
Time and space helps you move on.
But the timer starts when you find the space.
Until you cut the cord the timer is still on 00:00.
Dating other people always did the trick.
I feel you and I have bad news. It takes time, and can take a lot of time. It’s been 8 months since my break up and I still cry most days. She’s not on my mind all the time, but every day I grieve for the only person I ever truly loved. And it is grief, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You will get better in time . Don’t rush it. Try and eat well, get outside every day and be kind to yourself. As the weeks go by you will slowly feel stronger, I promise.
Time.