Basically, early this year (Jan.), I (25F) moved to a different country + totally new city for grad school. I’m not Amazing at making new friends, but I manage. I’ll emphasize this: I have made friends. It’s not like I’m hanging all my hopes onto this one friend (26F), but she was probably the closest friend out of all the rest (ironic now, given the whole ghosting thing). We instantly “clicked” upon meeting for the first time (late April 2023). It’s hard to describe that, but it didn’t take long to feel like we’d been friends for a long time, even if it hadn’t been that long at all. We both admitted to each other how it’s hard to make friends in this city, even complained about how flaky people tend to be here (oh, the irony!). We didn’t text daily, but we’ve had long conversations over text that’d we’d finish in person (since we met up whenever we had time). Explored the city together (she moved here a couple months earlier), watched movies in theaters, tried out new food places, shared my art with her (she shared her photography), and frequented local shows (same taste in music!) Or, we’d just meet up together to talk and chill, wherever the hell. We were gonna make plans for Halloween, even. But, whatever.
So, early this fall, she flew home to visit family and then flew back (very quick trip iirc). The very last message I ever got from her was “heyhey im back in town! are you off this monday?”. I told her that I was. And that was it. I literally have not heard a single word from her for going-on-nine weeks.
I’ve gotten ghosted in the past by friends (more context), which dictated how I’d reach out in the interim. One was an unfair clean slate cut-off, the other was due to health reasons. In one scenario, I felt so hurt and upset (for good reason!). In the other, I felt really guilty and ashamed for jumping the gun and getting angry about the months-long-ghosting-that-wasn’t-*really*. Given this context, I didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. Didn’t hear anything from this friend, but I didn’t want to pass judgement either. So, throughout the next several weeks, I’d send a few texts here and there. Stuff like: “\[funny anecdote about my day\], anyway how was your week?”, “\[holiday greeting!\] hope you’re having a good day”, “haven’t heard form you in a little while, so just wanted to check to see how you’re doing and if you wanted to catch up sometime”, “hope you’re doing well btw” (these are all copied (in a summarized way) from my actual texts.) Always emphasizing how I hope she’s doing well, given that one friend in the past. But also bc I give a shit and always hope my friends are alright.
Fast-forward to this past weekend, I go on instagram to dump a backlog of digital art. Instagram is very much an “out of sight, out of mind”/”no object permanence” app for me. If I’m not on it, I forget I have it. Many months go by before I’m like “oh shit!” and upload new art. On my homepage, tho, I figure I may as well check out the stories while I’m here (I *will* forget otherwise). Noticing an icon I don’t recognize, (I pretty much follow other artists). I click on it and, what do you know?, it’s the friend who ghosted me for several weeks. The story was about her going to a local march/rally and how, if anyone was interested and wanted to, just DM her. Then, I remember how (I’m an idiot and I forgot this), months back, she followed my instagram after I showed her my art (but we never messaged each other on it bc, in her words **”I don’t ever use it”**).
So, she’s alive and well and going to marches, posting on an app she said she never used (and I’m not a stalker lol, so I simply took her word for it), asking if anyone else wants to go with her (note that I would’ve loved to go with her, had I known/had she asked me). All the while, I had times when I was genuinely worried if she was okay (just holding myself back from texting her “too much” bc I’ve been in this place before and didn’t want to hound her.)
So, now I’m wondering if I should do anything at all. Is the best course of action to continue to periodically send texts to her? Even bite the bullet and send a message over instagram (which I feel would make me the weird one, since I’ve never messaged her over that + you can see if it got read or not. Is getting ignored worse than seeing a “read” while Never getting a reply?) Or, would no longer reaching out be the smart, grown-up thing to do? Is having a rough go at making friends in the past still a bad reason to dwell on this for so long?
Additionally, how do you get over something like this, if this is something you’ve gone through? Bc going on Time 3, it’s not hurting any less!
I apologize for how long this was. I cut this down a lot (took a lot of the emotion out), but GOD do I feel hurt.
TL;DR: Moved to a new city, made a new friend that I became really close to, now dealing with being ghosted out of the blue (which hurts more given I’ve gone through this before). Should I continue reaching out anyway, or drop it?
1 comment
I think it doesnt hurt to try reaching out again!