I (19F) struggle to display acts of intimacy towards my boyfriend (24M). He is an outwardly affectionate guy and is always initiating kisses and hugs, anything sexual etc… but it’s never myself that goes to initiate these things, always him.
It makes me feel horrible, like my body isn’t displaying what I truly feel inside, which is to show affection towards him because I love him so much. But why do I hesitate at every chance? Realistically, I should have no reason to hold back out of fear or nervousness, and I have no past traumas that would explain my aversion to being outwardly affectionate.
It has gotten to the point where he mentions it quite frequently and I can’t help but feel shit about it. It breaks my heart that he questions whether it’s him that is causing me to hold back, assuming that I don’t find him attractive anymore which is definitely not the case at all. I really don’t know what’s stopping me. I assume it’s just my character? Maybe physical touch just isn’t my love language? I hate to think this will create resentment in the relationship due to me not reciprocating to the same extent.
I’m fully aware that intimacy is a huge part of relationships, and considering I’ve never been in one before, perhaps I’m still easing myself into the reality of being completely vulnerable with someone. I’ve never been an affectionate person, and growing up, neither has my family. I’m sure there are plenty of justifications for my lack of intimacy, but I believe I can change this.
But then I think, do people who get into relationships for the first time have trouble opening up and being affectionate? If not, why do I struggle so much? Why do I feel so guilty for this urge not coming so naturally to me?
So, is there anything I can implement into my life, anything I can do with my boyfriend, to slowly warm myself to the idea of becoming more affectionate? Because I would really love to give him the love he deserves and always gives me.
This whole thing is slowly eating away at me, so any advice would be much appreciated.
TLDR; I have trouble displaying intimacy in my relationship. What can I do to change this?
10 comments
>I’ve never been in [a relationship] before and I can’t help but feel shit about it
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>It has gotten to the point where he mentions it quite frequently
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>he questions whether it’s him that is causing me to hold back, assuming that I don’t find him attractive anymore
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>my body isn’t displaying what I truly feel inside
It could be that your *body* is telling you what your *mind* does not want to accept. He is not a good match for you. A man in his mid-twenties does not have that much in common with a teenager, and it sounds from your description that the sexual aspects of the relationship are his main concern, and not your comfort level.
When you are with the right person, intimacy is *not* a struggle. It’s a source of anticipation and joy.
You might want to take a hard look at the whole relationship, and see what there is (besides the sex and other intimacy), that makes you a good couple — what do you talk about, think about. What activities do you enjoy doing together?
The deep emotional feelings of a first love can blind you to its problems.
You should break up. Intimacy is super important in a relationship, and if you can’t express that, then the relationship is doomed.
Maybe this is your gut telling you that this isn’t your man.
You say it may not be your love language. How do you demonstrate your love for him?
Either you’re not fully attracted to him enough to show it in a physical way, or you have a trauma of some sort that makes your body lock up and not respond to his touch / affection.
I will say that if it’s not trauma related, when you’re with someone you love and are attracted to , it’s hard to not want to share your love in a physically intimate way – even with something as simple as hugs and kisses. You may not love him in the way you think you do
Look into avoidant attachment style. This is could be you. I have this and have to actively remind myself to give my husband affection. But at the same time I want it sooo bad but it’s so hard to initiate even just light contact.
Even if it’s not your « love language » you have to try for him. An alarm on your phone, etc until you’ve trained your brain to even think about physical contact.
I once saw a thread on what it’s like to be the partner to someone with an avoidant attachment style and I was so sad for him. There’s people in this thread saying ´maybe you dont really like him’ but in my experience, my avoidant brain will ÀLWAYS be trying to find reasons to run the fuck away or withdraw so I really had to figure out what’s actually real and what is self sabotage.
It’s also typical for avoidants to attract a partner with an anxious attachment style, which is a recipe for disaster if you both don’t do the work to understand what the other needs and how you can meet halfway.
Just something to think about, maybe looking this up with resonate with you. You’re so young I really wish I would have known this stuff at that age. Good luck.
I suggest talking to a professional about it. You said your family wasn’t affectionate so that could be the root cause of why you struggle with it.
How long have you been together? That’s quite an age gap for your age..
I’m the same way. I’m not very physically affectionate, but it’s something my husband really values. For me, it does stem from trauma, but I think more than that, it’s the fact that I’m neurodivergent. Many senses overwhelm me; not just physical touch. Are you maybe like that too? Loud noises bother you, smells overwhelm you, etc?
Thing is, my husband does things for me that aren’t his favorite thing. So I do the same thing for him. Being physically affectionate doesn’t trigger me necessarily, and it’s not harmful to me, so I do remind myself that he likes it and I make it a point to try to reach out to him in that way. He’s very appreciative of it even if it’s hand-holding for a short time, a kiss, a little booty smack, etc. He acknowledges that doesn’t come naturally to me, so he’s sure to let me know that he appreciates it.
We’ve reached a very comfortable middle ground now that we’ve been together a long time. He respects my boundaries, I’ve opened up more physically because he did so. Now, some of those things that were uncomfortable to me at first come a bit more naturally and we can enjoy things (cuddling, massages, etc) that I didn’t prioritize before. I still have the freedom to jump up and leave if I at any point ever feel overwhelmed, though.
Take it slow. Do what’s comfortable to you, and don’t push yourself to do things that would genuinely bother you.
Then again, as others have said, could this be something that your gut is telling you about him that’s keeping you from opening up physically? Only you would really know that.
In any case, I do wish you luck!!
Have you ever been molested before?