TL;DR – Me and my sister’s boyfriend are not on good terms and my mom’s starting to notice. Is telling my mom that he and I aren’t close anymore something I should ask my sister’s permission for?
—
Throwaway.
I (F23) used to have a good relationship with my sister’s boyfriend. We were like brother and sister. I used to speak highly of him to my parents because he’d wanted their approval to propose, but something happened this year that’s changed our relationship for the worse. I’ll spare you the details, but the conflict isn’t something my sister wants our parents to know about.
In the past few months, my mom’s picked up on how much less I talk about him and asked if something happened. I just told her we don’t talk as much anymore. Well, next week, my sister and her boyfriend will be visiting for the first time in a few months, and while I can keep things cordial, I know me not talking to him is something my mom’s definitely gonna notice. I want to tell her that I’m no longer close to him just so she’s not left wondering, but I don’t know if I should ask my sister’s permission before doing this. I don’t plan on disclosing why we no longer have a relationship.
I think my only worry is that he and my sister will believe I’m trying to sabotage him getting my parents’ approval by doing this. I have no intention of badmouthing him with my parents, but I also have zero intention of rebuilding any kind of relationship with him, so I know this topic is something that’s probably gonna come up with my parents eventually. I guess I just don’t want reasons for my sister and her boyfriend to suspect I’m trying to sabotage his image.
Any input would be appreciated.
6 comments
No. You don’t anyone’s permission. If you’re not talking to each other it’s going to be noticeable, so you may as well let your mother know the reason. You’re not responsible for his reputation.
You dont need your sisters permission to talk about her boyfriend to anyone really, but won’t your mom ask why?
And then
>I’ll spare you the details, but the conflict isn’t something my sister wants our parents to know about.
Would it be something that would lead them to reject his proposal?
> I’ll spare you the details
I don’t think there’s any way to really give advice without knowing the details.
If it’s something that’s serious enough to permanently destroy your opinion of him and would also cause issues for his relationship with your parents, it sounds pretty serious. But if you tell your mother, you might damage your relationship with your sister.
You’re overthinking this.
Well it sounds like they’ve been pretty serious if he talked about proposing. So basically this will likely be your life now if they stay together. You will forever have to be cordial with him without engaging too much. If that’s how it’s going to be, you definitely should get used to people asking you what changed. Maybe ask your sister – not for permission, that just doesn’t sound right – about how she wants to handle this going forward.
Also if it’s bad enough for you to stop talking to him, is your sister safe with him? Is he capable of being a good partner to her? Technically it’s their relationship and their issue to sort out, but that’s a bit concerning.
If he is so bad, do you really want him to marry your sister?