So as the title says, if I ever touch my boyfriends penis he goes soft in a few minutes, asks to do it later, and it kills my self esteem. We are both in our middle-late 20s.
The first reason it breaks me so much is that he is not my first boyfriend, and I never ever had problems like this before. I like giving heads, and playing down there with my hands, and I tought was successful in it too. (I was asked to do thing and complimented on them, could always arouse my partner, and make them cum without penetration) The feeling of him getting turned off by me if I try to do anything is just making me feel like shit, and not want to touch him because I feel like I ruin everything.
The second reason is the fact that if I don’t touch him, and we just proceed to do penetrational sex, that works just fine. He cums really fast, like in a few mins.
We talked about it, and will continue to do so, and he really kindly said something along the lines of “sometimes you do it right, so just keep on doing it, every time it was better than the last“, but I told him that I just can’t keep on trying if everytime I “try” I literally ruin sexy time.
I came here asking for advice, and some reassurance. I know every man is different, and he just might not like touching at all. But if that is the case, how can I arouse him? Or maybe I am really shit at giving heads and I try to rip his snake of… Any tips what to focus on? (And how to keep my self esteem?)
5 comments
Damn, that’s a tough situation you’re dealing with. First off, don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s not necessarily about you being shit at giving heads or trying to rip his snake off. Sometimes, people just have different preferences and reactions when it comes to sexual stimulation. It’s important to remember that it’s not a reflection of your worth or desirability.
Communication is key here. Keep having those open and honest conversations with your boyfriend about what turns him on and what doesn’t. Experiment together and find out what works for both of you. Maybe he has specific preferences or sensitivities that you can explore.
Also, don’t forget about other ways to arouse him. It’s not all about the penis. Explore different erogenous zones, try new techniques, and focus on building intimacy and connection. And most importantly, don’t let this situation define your self-esteem. You’re more than capable of pleasuring your partner, and this is just a bump in the road. Keep exploring, keep communicating, and don’t give up. You got this!
Seems more like something internally on his part and not like it’s something that you’re “doing wrong”.
If he cannot tell you exactly what he wants and it’s more of a gamble than something that (almost) constantly works, then it’s his duty to figure out what the problem is instead of blaming you or what you’re doing for it.
If all he says is “sometimes you’re doing it right”, then that’s not precise enough to actually make sense of it and learn what his needs are.
So yeah, keep on communicating but ask him to be more precise. And also try not to worry too much about it. It’s not your fault and you’ll figure things out over time.
It’s absolutely not your fault! And you need to stop beating herself up over it. But also he may not even know what his needs are.
Or there may be something going off for him internally sometimes (anxiety, discomfort, worries about putting his pleasure in someone else’s hands, other physical issues). And, speaking from personal experience — once this happens with a partner, it can sometimes lead to anxiety about it happening again, which often makes it worse. Thinking about your penis staying erect generally doesn’t help.
Communication is obviously very important. And perhaps he really is just hesitant to show you or talk to you about what he needs.
It’s also important to remember that most women are taught to believe that a guy who is interested in them will have rock-hard erections 100% of the time. If they ever disappear for any reason, people think something is potentially “wrong with the woman” or she’s not attractive to him or whatever. But that’s definitely not always the case, and a lot of stuff could be going on.
While it’s possible he’s being “turned off,” I think it’s much more likely that something else is going on. Particularly this bit:
>if I ever touch my boyfriends penis he goes soft in a few minutes, **asks to do it later**, and it kills my self esteem.
When I was younger (20s), if I ever lost an erection (which was rare), it was generally a momentary thing. And I generally wanted to keep going.
Saying he wants to stop to me indicates either (1) what you’re is doing isn’t pleasurable for him for some reason, or (2) something else is going on with him internally that is causing him to lose an erection and he’s embarrassed by it, or perhaps both.
The fact that he’s encouraging you (“sometimes you do it right, so just keep on doing it, every time it was better than the last”) to me sounds like it’s not the first option. I think it’s more likely he does find it pleasurable, but something’s off with him.
It could be that there’s something he’s not telling you about what exactly is “right” or it could be that he doesn’t know, and you need to try to work on it together. Many guys get embarrassed at losing an erection and aren’t sure what’s happening, so it can be hard to talk about.
ANYHOW… the fact that he backs away and doesn’t want to continue is obviously a problem, as it ruins your encounters. So, if he’s having some sort erectile issue, he needs to learn to put your pleasure first if something goes off with him for a while. If what you’re doing is making him uncomfortable or in pain or something (unintentionally), he needs to communicate that and again try to refocus on what they’re doing together and connecting rather than withdrawing.
But these aren’t always easy things.
> I just can’t keep on trying if everytime I “try” I literally ruin sexy time.
YOU are not ruining it. The fact that he is withdrawing from the situation and saying “let’s do this later” is what’s ruining it. Unless he’s losing his erections because of some sort of discomfort (like from previous relationship trauma or something), it’s absolutely not cool for him to just stop after you’ve put so much effort it.
Instead, what he should be doing is turning around and saying, “Sorry… I need a few minutes, but let me work on you for a while, okay?” That’s the appropriate response, and he is the one choosing to let a (temporary) lost erection ruin your time together.
ED is not common for guys in their 20s, but it can happen. Or it could be that certain kinds of stimulation just aren’t enough to keep his penis erect 100% of the time. (As an older guy in my 40s who has experienced some bouts of ED, it can suddenly happen without warning, and I didn’t really know why. And it took a few years before we finally mostly worked out handjobs and blowjobs consistently with my current girlfriend, even though I could consistently have them before… it was totally me, and I liked what she was doing, but I couldn’t explain the lost erections either.)
It doesn’t mean he’s necessarily not enjoying it, but none of us here know what’s going on inside his head. You just need to talk to him.
He can have penetrative sex so it’s unlikely to be ED, also erections do not indicate arousal. Don’t worry it’s not you.
Sounds like too much masturbation on his part and he’s conditioned his mind and body to only respond to a certain technique. If he can’t tell you what he likes then ask him to show you. Try mutual masturbation and watch what he does and how he gets himself off.
Time for a new bf