How can a man give off a sexy/sexual vibe?

I’ve asked about this on several forums over the years, and the advice I’ve received is usually somewhere between “work out,” “wear a speedo/banana hammock,” or “dress up like a sexy fireman in the bedroom.” None of this is what I’m talking about. I’m a married man. My wife and I have been together for more than nine years. We’re active in our local kink scene, and I have no issues having actual sex, but a lot of the time, I feel like I’m just not perceived as a sexual person.

I’ve noticed throughout my life that some men just exude easygoing/smooth/sexual energy, and some men don’t. I’ve always fallen squarely into the “men that don’t” category, and I’m not sure why that is, how I can fix it, or even if it can be fixed.

Some of it has to do with fitness, but not all of it. I’ve known men who are obese and have “it” and men who are bodybuilders who don’t.

I don’t really know how to describe it without giving examples, so here goes. Most people I’ve met have compared me to Baymax, the Iron Giant, the garden-tending robots from that Miyazaki movie with the flying castle, or the big blue guy from Monsters Incorporated. I’ve been told I give off “kind wizard” or “wise owl.” At least three women I’ve dated have told me I remind them of Edward Gorey. Less frequently, I’ve been compared to Ron Swanson, Uncle Iroh, Tyrion Lannister, and Commander Lawrence from *The Handmaid’s Tale*.

Most of our friends are very sex-positive, but they don’t like being as sex-positive around me because they believe it makes me uncomfortable. It doesn’t. I love going to nudist resorts and skinny dipping with friends. I love going to kink parties. My wife and I are both very attracted to women, and we’re both open to risque activities with other couples.

I’ve tried getting into stereotypically ‘masculine’ things to see if I can offset it, but no luck. When I started working out, I became ‘the same guy, but with muscles.’ When I started playing guitar, I became ‘the same guy, but with a guitar.’ Same deal when I got my motorcycle license, or tried to get into masculine hobbies like woodworking or fishing. I was halfway into the process of buying a truck when I realized this isn’t about having stuff or looking a certain way; it’s just some kind of energy I have that makes people think I’m either asexual or just not comfortable with sexuality.

None of these comparisons or characters are inherently bad (except Commander Lawrence, but it was meant as a compliment), but they’re also not exactly characters you’d rip off your clothes in a bar bathroom for, or say, “shit, I have to get his number.” It’s not a recent thing either; it’s been this way for more than 20 years.

I’ve noticed that I’m slightly more attractive to gay guys, but only slightly; plus I tried the whole gay thing in college and it just wasn’t for me.

Does anyone else here know what I’m talking about? What exactly causes this? Can it be changed?