Hi All,
First post, but I needed to get this of my chest.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now (we officially started dating in September 2021).
When we first started dating, we were both students. I was in the last year of my bachelor’s degree to become an executive assistant and he had 3 years left (last year of his bachelor + 2 years of his master) studying economics.
He was still living with his parents, I and was in an apartment I rented with money from a student job + some financial help from my parents.
As I have a dog, and his parents have cats, we mostly saw each other at my place. Living alone, my place also offered more privacy.
I sometimes went to his parents house to eat and spend the evening, but couldn’t stay sleeping as I have to take care of my dog daily.
For the first two months I would say, he was at my place 3 days a week. And by the end of the year, he had moved in with me (never been officially invited to move in, it kind of just happened).
I was happy about him moving in as I enjoyed his company.
Once it had been almost 2 months he lived at my place non stop, I asked him if he planned to take a job to help pay for food and stuff or if he could ask his parents to chip in.
He refused to ask his parents as he didn’t want to bother them with that. And did not want to take a student job as he wanted to focus on his courses at uni…
So I was kinda trapped, having to pay for everything for the both of us. And that was financially hard on my student-self.
He talked about taking a job during summer and giving me money then. So I just carried on, trusting his words.
By the summer, I had gratuated and got offered a job where I did my internship. So I started working as soon as July 2022. (And my parents stoped helping me as I now had a fixed revenue.)
During the summer he worked 1 month, and spend that money on himself (games, clothing, a watch, a tattoo,…). So he still didn’t participate in the expenses.
He pleaded that I had more money now that I worked then when I was a student combining my student job & parents help (which is true). And since I could make it work for a whole year, I could keep making it work.
This really bothered me. I asked him again to ask his parents for some help, and he once again refused and started ranting about how I couldn’t understand as my parents make way more money than his. And how it would be disrespectful for him to ask them now that he left home.
I still don’t understand how it is my responsibility to feed a grown man ?!
That summer he also chose to change his study option. Starting again from zero. He now had 3 full years to study again. So i also had to provide for him for at least 3 full years.
As I do flex work, I am home 2 to 3 days a week, and quickly realized he didn’t go to his classes.
We talked about it, he said he didn’t need it, and during his first session of exams in January he only passed half his exams.
I was so mad at him. As to me he was not making efforts to pass his classes. Didn’t go to class, did not take a student job, made me pay for everything, and even sometimes blamed me for being cheap !
He didn’t present his exams in june. So he failed, and decided once again to change what he was studying.
Now he just started a 2 year course (if he follows through).
I still pay for everything, and this really affects our relationship.
Sometimes I even think about breaking up.
I feel like he is not mature enough (not only financially).
I don’t know if I will be able to keep this up.
I told him recently that I consider he owes me. And he thinks that’s unfair of me.
Should I send him back to his parents house as long as he doesn’t agree to pay a part of our expenses ?
25 comments
This dude sounds like a parasite.
I’m really sorry to have to say this, and I do suspect I am just confirming what you have concluded: this relationship is going nowhere and I do think you should seriously consider ending it.
It’s that thing: what is cute and fun when you’re at uni can’t continue into the real world. You’ve grown up and he’s still a man-child expecting you to do all the hard work whilst he plays on his game console.
You could have another sit down with him, but, as you’ve said, he’s an adult. Why the f*** should it need you to explain the blindingly obvious to him. You’re not his mum. And even if he did have an epiphany and change his ways, I suspect that you’ve lost respect for him. And he’ll struggle to win that back.
You’ve sunk two years into this relationship. In the meantime, you’ve clearly got it together with prospects and a future. I’d end it, like today, kick him out, send him back to his Mom and Dad’s and block his number (because he’ll only try and wheedle his way back in). It’ll hurt, because 2 years is a long time and you are clearly a good person. But you’ll move on and find that there is so much better out there for you.
What exactly are you getting from this relationship? Yes, send him home. He has some major growing up and maturing to do, and it shouldn’t be done on your dime. Enjoy this time of your life- you’ve worked hard to earn it!!
kick him out girl, do is asap. He’s a failure to launch and a leech.
Yes. Please send him packing as soon as now. Tell him to pack his bags and go back home to his parents. End the relationship, too. He is a very unserious young man.
Throw him out already!!! He’s a leech!!!
He’s already rinsed his parents probably and they don’t want to fund him, dump him.
You have our blessing to get the leech out of your house.
He never planned to get a job or finish his studies. Living off you is his plan. Get him out, make sure your birth control is intact, change the locks. Let me guess: he also doesn’t do much in the household? Nope, send him back to his parents. And then reconsider the entire relationship
I am honestly furious for you. Pull yourself together and send this baby back to his parents.
You may not get a say in him asking parents for money but you DO get a say in who you live with, spend your money on and give your valuable time and effort to.
Sorry for the tough love but I think you need to hear it. A huge congratulations on your studies, job and becoming so responsible so young. You are only 25 – there are so many wonderful men out there who work hard, spend responsibly AND give you all the (what I presume have to be there) positive things this current guy gives you.
All he did was trade mothers. Yes, for your own sake, send him back to his first mom.
Next time you go to his parents, tell him in front of them he is not going back with you & you will pack his stuff and let him know when he can pick them up (when you are with someone). Protect yourself. If he & they ask you why, tell them you didn’t sign up to support a grown man.
How can I summarize your relationship in one word? Hmm, let’s see…
# abuse
Yes that’s it. You’re in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend who is abusing your kindness, your generosity, your goodwill, and your feelings for his own egocentric gratification.
If you two had any kind of future together – which you don’t – he would be contributing to the relationship and lifestyle together. Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see that. All I’m seeing is take, take, take on his end and give, give, give on your end.
>I told him recently that I consider he owes me. And he thinks that’s unfair of me.
Seriously, when you’re busy exploiting and leeching off someone else, you’re not in a position to be preaching to anyone about fairness.
>This really bothered me. I asked him again to ask his parents for some help, and he once again refused and started ranting about how I couldn’t understand as my parents make way more money than his. **And how it would be disrespectful for him to ask them now that he left home.**
I get the feeling that I’m just posting stuff here you already know. But just wanted to point out how messed up your “boyfriend’s” logic is. In his situation he needs to keep his mouth shut about respect too. I mean he’s not really respecting you, is he?
There’s an old song from 1977 by [Carole Bayer Sager called ‘You’re Moving Out Today’](https://youtu.be/7z3FS71Tgzw) which gives you some idea of what needs to happen. Get his key back. Get some bin liners. Pack up his shit and get it out there on the street. If he needs someone to fund his lifestyle and give him a place to live he needs to take it up with the Government, not leech off unsuspecting women.
You should absolutely send him home and break up.
He’s taking full advantage of you, that’s not how a partner who cares about you would act. This isn’t the type of person you want to be with anyways!! Please dump him!
He’s dead weight. Find someone who’s actually on your level, this guy is a loser.
YES!! Send him back. You are not his parent or his spouse, you do not need to subsidize his laziness and lack of motivation.
Make a monthly budget showing how much you pay for everything that is shared (rent, utilities, groceries, entertainment/internet, etc.) and inform him that if he is going to continue living with you, you expect him to pay for half of the shared expenses. His other option is to move out. This should not be a conversation or a debate, you should INFORM him of how this will work. BE STRONG – it is not on you to figure out how he gets the money, so don’t fall into the trap when he starts asking how he’s supposed to pay when he doesn’t have an income and you make enough to pay for it all. *”It is not fair that I’ve been supporting you 100% for nearly 2 years, and that you expect me to continue to do so. This is something you need to figure out on your own. If you can’t contribute as an equal partner, you can’t stay here.”*
Honestly though, do you really think this relationship is going to work if he moves out? He’s leeched off you for almost 2 years, and has no plans to stop. You deserve better.
He doesn’t ever plan on graduating OP. He wants to continue the status quo where he is taken care of by you and he has no responsibilities. No pesky annoying job to have to get up for in the morning. You get the picture right OP? He’s never going to change because this lifestyle works perfectly for him.
Girl, what’s wrong with you? This guy us worthless!
Any time you have the Appartment to yourself? Pack up his shit and drive it over to his parents house. Change the lock. Send him a text that his time of mooching off of you are over, then turn off the phone.
You now see who he is. A good for nothing mooch. He will never amount to anything as long as he can find pushovers to infest. All the money you pissed away to house and feed him? Write it off as expensive lesson on boundaries.
What do you want from a BF? What is important to you in a relationship? How do you want your life to look like 5 years down the road? Think about that. I bet a lazy ass mooch is not what you want.
I did this for 3 years with my ex. I’ll tell you how it ends: I blew up because he didn’t pay a dime, and kicked him out of my house.. which is exactly what you need to do because it never, ever ends. I always thought it would. But nooope. Run, run fast and far.
Little Context / answer to frequent questions :
– when I talked about my situation with my colleagues (all 45+ years old), none of them seemed bothered or shocked by my situation. I get replies like “you have to invest in a relationship” so I think this led me to believe it was not abnormal
– what do I love about him : he is kind, cuddly and funny. Having to think about it, I realize it isn’t much. I used to love more about him, but with the time passing, some of the things I loved about him were a facade he kept up for the first months…
– I appreciate everyone taking the time reading my long post and commenting. I think I will try to find the courage to break up in the coping days. I can’t keep up with all this and you all make me comprehend I still have trauma from past abuse I didn’t realize I had
It sounds like he keeps changing his major as a way to avoid getting a job and growing up. If you go the boundaries for the relationship route you need to present him with a list of what he is expected to pay and when. Rent, util., groceries. He can take out student loans if he needs to but this should be non negotiable. The minute he shrugs it off he needs to leave. He’s set up a mother/son dynamic in your relationship that will soon give you the “ick” and will kill your sex life. Setting firm expectations benefits both of you, you’re not doing him any favors by continuing to support this Peter Pan.
“Sometimes I even think about breaking up.”
Please have some self respect. Flush this turd. And then send him a bill.
Is this a boyfriend or a child you’re talking about? You don’t even need to send him anywhere, just break up with him and let *him* find his way wherever.
Send him to his parents. What, do you share custody with them? He may not act like one, but he’s a grown ass adult – stop infantilizing him by saying oh no, he’s not mature, oh I can’t deal with him anymore so I’ll send him to his parents.
Gurl, if he can’t be trusted to find his way back to his parents **on his own**, you shouldn’t even be dating him because he’s not a capable adult.
You have discovered the wily hobosexual, a common subspecies of homosapien that feeds off the kindness of unsuspecting romantic partners
https://www.google.com/amp/s/torontosun.com/life/sex-files/are-you-dating-a-hobosexual-6-ways-to-spot-one/wcm/f13af310-cd88-406c-aadc-c3625153b4a3/amp/
he’s showing you who he really is. What do you think will realistically change if you two were to get married?
*Sometimes I even think about breaking up.*
SOMETIMES? FFS. This man has been leeching off you for 2 years. He has no intention of paying for anything. He’s shamelessly rude about it. He will never pay his way why would he, he’s got away with it for this long. You’ve become his parent.
His parents should be ashamed that they did such a poor job bringing up such a selfish entitled idiot.
Tell him that you need to live on your own again. See what he does. If he starts threatening to leave the relationship its obvious that you are just a meal ticket. he gioves you nothing. Anything he earns he sees as his.
Please stop this now. How lmuch of your life and income are you willing to waste?