My (30f) husband (30m) crossed the line at his bachelor party

38 comments

1. I mean he crossed a boundary that you made explicitly clear, a boundary you consider cheating and is absolutely disrespectful of your relationship. You lost trust in him. If you want to get passed this truly. I think just time and effort on both ends, learn to find forgiveness for his choices. No future strip club visits. Maybe therapy if necessary.

   He definitely has to commit to fixing things though, it can’t just be a time heals all wounds thing. He will have to understand the full capacity of the anxiety and the compulsive overthinking and second questioning nature that comes with a cheating partner. He will have to learn how to deal with these new challenges and triggers and learn to ride the waves with you, and if he’s not sincerely willing to do that and you’re not willing to turn a blind eye things aren’t gonna fix themselves.

2. This will not stop, and if he was offered sex, being drunk and sexually excited, he is very likely to have accepted

3. Yes, I would 100% see this as cheating.. and the lying about it, too.

   He probably got more than just a lapdance as well.

   Does this idiot not think that grabing someone’s arse and boobs is cheating??

   Would he feel the same if you were to let someone rub your arse and boobs??

   I personally would ask him to leave the hose and stay elsewhere until you figure out if you want to continue.

   But to me, I’d know I am done.

   I personally would call his bluff, and say as it stands now I’m done with you, but I would like you too do a Polygraph test to see if you had any sexual contact with anyone other than the boob and arse grab I know about.. and if you make me get there and you could have told me the truth, I’ll be filing for divorce, and there will be no coming back. So I either get the truth now, we can work it in marriage counciling, or you do a Polygraph.

   He will most likely fold straight away and tell you he received oral or just point blank fucked her

4. OP you shouldn’t feel embarrassed if you decide to divorce him, you are not the first and will not be the last to get a divorce because of what happened at a Bachelor or Bachelorette party.

   There’s also the story of the woman that called a lawyer to start a divorce the day after her wedding. Her stbx did the one thing she repeatedly told him not to and shoved her whole face into the cake.

   Back to you-
   Your husband has totally destroyed every bit of trust built up over your whole relationship, and that was already damaged by his past omissions. It is totally his responsibility to do the work that you need to see to even have a chance to stay together.

   Personally, when you add this to your comment about past issues with lying by omission I have to believe you don’t know the full story of those 4 days, that what you’ve been told is only part of what happened.

5. This is cheating in my relationship too, that would be the end of our relationship. My husband and I aren’t straight, and we’re possessive. He would *not* appreciate me getting lap dances, vise versa. (Ignore the “boys will be boys” type comments. Gender is unimportant.) If it’s cheating for you, you’ve already made your feelings clear, then he cheated.

   I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Wishing you the best of luck.

   Definitely get tested.

6. I will never understand why a man does this. Fucking ruins his relationship just before marriage. Its embarrassing. Are you that shit scared of this commitment you’d break your wifes heart and dog her like this? He isn’t marriage material. That much is clear. He can spend a year fixing what he broke if you can be bothered OP.

7. So while I personally wouldn’t have your boundaries. The fact he broke them and lied about it is horrid.

   You need to ask yourself if you want to work with him on him restoring trust. If you think he won’t break it again. If he deserves it.

   No matter what you aren’t in the wrong.

8. How did you find out about this OP? Did he tell you or did you get wind of it elsewhere?

   Bottom line he cheated. Does this mean you get to go to Vegas for a long weekend? Grind on ten or twenty dudes and feel them up?! It’s nauseating that he tricked you into marrying him. Don’t be embarrassed, getting divorced for good reason is nothing to be ashamed of. He is the ass here, not you.

9. I am so relieved I’m not the only one who sees this as cheating. So sorry OP!

10. Let’s do the worst case scenario math. 4 nights times 10 people. Potentially 40 lap dances. Best case is 4 nights times 2 people. 8 lap dances. One was more than your boundary. 8 obliterated it. 40 is unfathomable. His way of celebrating your upcoming marriage was to spend 4 nights cheating on you multiple times with his friends enabling him. Gross. I think more went on at the club than he told you because usually touching the dancers is forbidden. Extras wouldn’t be a problem at that club if they are ok getting groped. Do you really think he left the strip club and didn’t hook up at the regular club to let off some pent up tension if he didn’t get what he wanted at the strip club? I’d be divorcing not just for the cheating but the lies and lies by omission. What else don’t you know about? He’ll never tell you.

11. Hi OP, Better start finding a lawyer and file for divorce. He enjoys the girls and their grinding. Several months before the wedding and 4-day bachelor’s party. It ain’t enough. There’s more to come.

12. I agree with you. This is cheating and lying. Is it too late for an annulment?

13. I’m a man. To me this is cheating. There’s only one appropriate response to that: divorce.

    Btw, he is absolutely NOT an amazing partner. He deliberately crossed your boundaries and even now you’re doubting wether or not he’s telling the truth.

    Even a half assed partner wouldn’t do this to you.

14. >How do you overcome something like this?

    You don’t. He cheated on you, so you should divorce him. If you fell like giving him a chance, that is fine, but first divorce him and have him tell everyone why did you divorce. After that, he should go no contact with all people who supported this incident.

15. OP, please don’t let stuff like “embarrassment” make you stay with a man you no longer can trust, **a cheater**. I don’t want to be harsh, but that’s just silly. Stuff like cheating is a serious matter and then being embarrassed is not a reason to not get a divorce. That would be pretty immature, tbh.

    He did it because that’s exactly what he was counting on – that since you are already married, so freshly, you will just swallow his adultery. The timing of this was 100% strategic on his part. To me this additional element of being strategic about it makes this completely unforgivable. If it was a one drunken mistake? Maybe it could be worked on. But it wasn’t. He chose a moment that he thought would make you just accept it. It was planned and malicious and IMO there’s nothing to overcome here.

    If anyone should be embarrassed, it’s HIM OP. He couldn’t be married even for a sec without being a cheater. Your reaction to it is not embarrassing, his failure as a partner is. Also please note that it’s almost certain he will keep cheating if you stay – don’t do this to yourself.

16. Bachelor/bachelorette parties are stupid and immature all the stories I’ve heard always involve cheating in some form. Strippers escorts etc. Goes both ways and I hate that culture

    Just why? What is wrong with people?

17. > He said that he knew I would be upset, but didn’t think that I would be as upset as I am.

    Translation: “I don’t respect you enough to take your feelings into consideration before doing what I want; I just care that there won’t be any lasting consequences if I get caught.” He had a whole four days to rethink that philosophy (plus the totally unrelated excursion, and the general history of lying by omission) and just kept right on going. That doesn’t sound fixable to me.

18. You’re only 30. You met him when you were 20. You were young and didn’t know better back then. But you know more now. And you deserve someone faithful and trustworthy. Let this one go. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You don’t have kids together and hopefully no property.

19. I’m curious to know how you actually found out. Did he confess of his own free will or did he have reason to believe you were soon going to find out some other kind of way?

    In any case, this:

    >He said that he knew I would be upset, but didn’t think that I would be as upset as I am.

    is absolute bullshit, just as you said, and designed to make you feel like you’re overreacting when you’re clearly not – I’m very glad you recognize that for what it is.

    I also am very strongly inclined to believe that you still don’t have the full story here. This absolutely reeks of trickle-truthing, and if you stay with him, I wouldn’t be shocked at all if you eventually find out even more about his behavior during this time.

    I’m in the camp of “you can’t overcome this while staying together.” He not only broke your clear boundaries – multiple times! – he lied about it for a year and is almost certainly not telling the full truth now either. But even if he IS telling the whole truth, it’s plenty bad enough. It doesn’t even sound like he’s remorseful or apologizing, instead he’s basically telling you that you’re overreacting.

    I just don’t see how trust can be rebuilt from this, and without trust, there’s no relationship.

    It’s easier said than done, I know, but this is definitely divorce-worthy to me. I’d start talking to a lawyer.

    Oh, and get tested. PLEASE get tested.

20. If you don’t want him having physical contact with strippers he can’t be in a strip club, everyone’s livelihood at the club depends on customers buying things & so when a customer is spending money girls are gonna go up to them , touch them, sit on them, hustle them etc. and if they’re getting drinks they’re socially expected to either get girls drinks and/or drink with the girls.

    Everything in the strip club is set up for men to get the services of the club , so a guy coming in with his friends esp the bachelor party isn’t likely to sit in the corner & avoid the women. I’ve seen it once where a guy was there for his friend and he sat in the corner and said he only has eyes for his wife – got to hand it to him it was impressive but I’ve only seen it once. But, your guys seems REALLY into strip clubs & strippers – guys that don’t like strip clubs simply don’t go to them & there’s a lot of guys that don’t go

21. I don’t understand modern bachelor or bachelorette parties too often they are extremely sexually themed from stupid penis straws to strippers and strip clubs

    “Let’s celebrate getting married to the love of my life with sexualized conversation, visuals or worse”

    Makes absolutely no sense and ends up like this All too often

22. He has a history of lying, OP. You can try couples therapy but he has to be the one to put in the work. It is absolutely okay to be heading to a divorce so soon, there is nothing to be embarrassed about

23. Just because he paid for it, it doesn’t mean its not cheating.

    >How do you overcome something like this?

    You don’t. He took your boundaries and stamped all over them.

    >I’m so embarrassed to be heading to divorce so soon

    Please don’t be embarrassed. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about at all. This is all on him.

24. If you want advice on getting married through infidelity there’s a sub, but I guess your real problem is he is turning this around to make you a villain. Your relationship can’t survive because he is mean, he doesn’t respect you, and is going to cheat again.

    He wants you to take it or leave, so leave.

25. You buried the lede. He has a history of lying. Which means that this is just once instance in a series of instances where he told you you can’t trust him. This incident alone is enough to divorce him, but the history of lying makes it necessary. You can never trust him.

26. My problem with what he did is that he KNEW your boundary and CHOSE to ignore it KNOWING what the consequences could be. He decided it was worth losing you to get 10 lap dances. That’s your worth to him. The disrespect is UNBELIEVABLE!

27. I think people are supposed to be able to communicate and have the boundaries respected in a relationship. Him lying by omission and as long as he did is super shady, and it’s understandable to be feeling a certain type of way. If you cannot trust him, it’s honestly okay to throw in the towel when your gut tells you to. You now know that if under pressure he will ignore your previous agreements, do what others are doing, and then lie to you for a year. That’s something that you cannot unknow. What you make of these lemons is 100% up to you.

28. 30 years old and he’s touching women at a strip club because his guy friends are dumber than a bunch of rocks. These friends could’ve said “This isn’t right your married bro” they didn’t, he obviously remembered what he did in the strip club if he’s telling you.

29. You don’t overcome something like this. You girl for divorce and be embarrassed now instead of having kids and breaking their hearts later. This dude doesn’t give a fuck about you or your feelings.

    LEAVE.

30. Going to a strip club right before your wedding is the stupidest concept ever. Hell, the whole bachelor/bachelorette party concept is stupid. I consider it cheating, and people who entertain it as non-marriage material.

31. Don’t worry about getting a divorce. Staying with a cheater is more embarrassing than getting a divorce.

32. He doesn’t respect your wishes and as well as lies to you. Not sure why you’d want to be with someone like that, but you do what you feel is appropriate.

33. I have a few friends who work in the industry. I now have a clear boundary that if any man I’m seeing, engaged to or married to goes to a strip club that would be the end of the relationship.

    Not always, but stuff often goes on there that I wouldn’t want my man to be a part of.

    Single men crack on but I honestly don’t see why any decent bloke would want to go to one if he’s in a happy, satisfactory relationship.

34. You likely haven’t even gotten the full truth of what happened but your husband is clearly a lying, cheating piece of crap. You need to divorce him now or you’re looking at being stuck at home heavily pregnant while he goes back out to the strip club with his shitty friends so he can party one last time before the baby comes. Yeah, right.

    At some point there has to be consequences for what he’s done and the time for those consequences is now.

35. I mean, you probably don’t overcome it together. He knew damn well you wouldn’t have married him if you knew he was cheating with sex workers (which is ultimately the situation) at all, let alone as a way to celebrate your marriage. He’s not who you thought he was. I wish you luck in a speedy divorce and a better partner next time.

36. I think he means, “I knew you would be upset, but I didn’t think you’d actually do anything about it that would impact me, so I didn’t care.” You made your boundaries clear and he had no problem violating them repeatedly. I would not be able to feel emotionally safe in a relationship where I can’t be confident that we are on the same page about what it means to be faithful to one another. Please don’t let fear of other people’s judgment keep you in a relationship that no longer makes you feel safe and loved and happy. He’s the one who should be ashamed, he acted like a fool and now he’s paying the price of losing the love and trust of a good woman.

37. What would be embarrassing is staying with a man that doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Contact an attorney and divorce that lying loser which most likely actually cheated on you by hooking up with someone. Who has a 4 day bachelor party? Stupid.

38. “He is not someone that visits strip clubs *has only gone a couple times during our relationship*”

    Sorry to break it to you he is definitely someone that visits strip clubs 🤨