I’ve (35F) been struggling internally with how to support a very close friend. In our state, there’s domestic partnership as an alternative to marriage. He has a spotty work history and she works herself very hard, and is in general, a very loving and hard working person. He has a history of cheating, though asking to kiss another woman and messaging women were the extent of what she knows he has done during their time together. He travels a lot alone. She used to call me crying, and she knows my hesitations about him. She’s emotionally dependent on him, says he’s the only person she’s got. She normally is a very sweet person, but admitted to me she’s been catching herself snapping at him. He drinks 15 or more beers a night and has been suicidal in the past.
If he sounds like a total downer, he also is good to her family and friends. Despite my honesty earlier on, I try to support her and let her make her own decisions. I always thought that if she needed an out, I’d welcome her into my home, and I’ve offered it to her. I love her and would feed and take care of her like I do for myself.
Over the years, she’s become more emotionally regulated and made a lot of positive changes to her own health and career, so I’ve been in the mode of cheering her on.
A few months ago, I got the news that they had become domestic partners. A few weeks after that, they filed paperwork for power of attorney and their last wills. As she told me this excitedly, I was holding back tears.
She then told me she asked him if now they could have a baby. He said no, but did a soft agree to adopting a child. Prior, she had been childfree like me. Even though she’s made strides in her career, I don’t think they’re anywhere near prepared for a child. I say this as I’m watching other friends and their families and their parents go through foreclosures and bankruptcies.
I’m struggling with how to support or respond to her. Am I wrong in wanting to tell her how scared I am for her? Would that be making it about me? Her family doesn’t know they became legally entwined. There’s also the selfish component of not wanting her to move in with me, should she need it, with a child. Does anyone have advice?
5 comments
My advice is to stay out of it. She didn’t ask you for your opinion on adopting a baby with this guy. It she wants your opinion, she’ll ask for it. You don’t have to let her move in with a kid in the future if she leaves him. She’s a hard working person who will most likely be able to support herself and the kid if that happens.
Just keep being there for her, but do not overstep. This is none of your busienss.
sometimes, you cant stop the trainwreck, you just have to watch.
It can be frustrating to watch people blow up their lives and think the light of the end of the tunnel is sunshine and rainbows when really it’s a train coming right at them.
But she’s an adult. And unsolicited advice is rarely needed nor appreciated.
You can’t control what other people do but you can control what you’re willing to put up with.
It really sounds like she needs a therapist. But in lieu of that goes crying to you about the same things over and over and does nothing but dig herself deeper and expects you to be excited for her.
So stop. Shut it down. Stop calling her. And when she next calls you complaining or crying, be straight with her. “Friend, I love you and want you to be happy. When you call me and complain about this guy over and over about the same issues and do nothing to change the situation, I feel frustrated and sad because I want so much better for you. When/if you decide to leave this guy, I’ll be your biggest cheerleader and help you however I can. In the meantime though, for my own mental health, I don’t want to talk about him/your relationship anymore. I’m worn out on the topic.”
It seems like she already knows how you feel about her situation/relationship, seeing as you’ve explicitly given her a means of escape… but she’s so deep in the delusion, this baby is gonna happen regardless. Who knows, it may even be the catalyst she needs to finally up and leave when she realizes not only is he a shitty husband, but a shitty father as well.
She sounds like she’s making terrible decisions. But unfortunately she has a right to. My guess is that she’s 36, she thinks that she doesn’t have enough time to find a new partner to have kids with so she is taking the option even if she knows he’s an asshole
I would expect her birth control to fail soon
I would stay out of this and as a friend try not to give direct advice