I have a great partner, and we have a great life together. They (35nb) love me (31m) in ways I never thought I would be, and I love them in ways I never thought I could.
The problem is I have a fetish. I don’t really want to get into the details of it but it’s something I’ve wrestled with basically since I became a sexually awakened person until now. It’s gotten better and worse over time. In my late teens and early 20s, it was very hard because it felt very isolating and I worried a lot about how it would affect a relationship if I could ever find someone who found me attractive enough. Well, that relationship didn’t come for a long time, I was horribly alone until I was 29. By the time I was 25-26, I had made peace with my fetish. I watched a lot of porn, I couldn’t imagine that my fetish would actually have any impact on my life, because I never imagined someone could want me, so issues of compatibilty and acceptance with that fetish seemed like a moot point. This just seemed like what my “sex life” would be. Me with my weird pornography.
Before we got further, this fetish isn’t just “part of a menu of things I’m into”. I’m into more than one thing, but this is the big one. All of my fantasies for as long as I can remember start with the big fetish and then add other kinky elements on. Everything else is just texture added upon this singularly massive component of my sexuality. Without it, I feel like a huge part of me is missing.
When I first starting getting serious with my partner, I disclosed my fetish. I was so pleased to learn they were okay with it, they would accept me with this baggage. They were even open to the idea of dabbling in it.
Well, over time, their feelings on the matter settled, they’re firmly not willing to dabble in my fetish, and that’s okay, I have no desire to force them.
The problem is, I feel like I’m back in the closet. My partner doesn’t like me watching porn with this fetish, because it makes them feel inadiquate. They will never be as sexy to me as this fetish, and it’s not their fault, but me watching this porn hurts them. They won’t tell me not to, but I have to do it in secret and if they know, they’re always saddened by it. They want to be the sexiest thing in the world to me, the core of all my fantasies. They ask me to to fantasize about them when I masturbate instead of my fetish, but as much as I love them, the erotic thrill they give me is like a spark beside the towering inferno that my fetish gives. I’ve been avoiding engaging with it at all for two months now and it feels like a roaring hunger pang. The desire for it is so consuming that I can’t focus at work, I’m struggling to orgasm during sex, I’m struggling with everything because this fetish is roaring at me constantly. The degree to which it consumes my thoughts get worse over time, not better.
I *need* to kill this part of me. How can I stop being into what I’m into?
3 comments
Look, I get that you’re struggling with your fetish and it’s causing tension in your relationship, but trying to “kill” a part of yourself is not the answer here; instead, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about finding a compromise or seeking professional help to navigate this issue together.
>They want to be the sexiest thing in the world to me, the core of all my fantasies.
While I get why they want this, it isn’t realistic. Even people who don’t have fetishes fantasize about people other than their partner, even if that fantasy only involves the most vanilla of sex acts. It is normal and natural to seek sexual variety for most people, and most people do that with their imaginations.
I don’t think your fetish is the problem here. Your partner’s insecurity and desire to control your thoughts is the issue.
Your partner doesn’t get to dictate what you get off to.