When it comes to anything sex related my husband believes either you like it and want it all the time or you hate it. I don’t know how to explain that I like sex, I just don’t want it 3 times a day, 7 days a week. Or that I don’t mind anal, but not 3 times a day 5 days in a row. It’s like this with everything to do with sex. Eventually, I get overwhelmed, I can’t keep up, I’m physically exhausted, usually because of other stuff happening in life, not just all the sex stuff, like kids get sick, and then, I do, medical procedures, both at the same time, or stuff like that, and I just need a break from sex and everything related to it, but then that causes problems because I “hate” sex, and “don’t like him.” I just need help to figure out what to say, and how to explain it to him in a way he’ll understand. I’m not managing to explain correctly, it causes a lot of problems, and it is making me feel pretty bad.
This keeps being an issue but I just can’t have sex all the time. I try, I try really, really hard, I just can’t physically or mentally keep up, and I need to be able to explain that to him somehow. Preferably without making him feel bad, because then that will be another problem I have to fix.
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The way you explained it here sounds perfectly reasonable.
Ask him his favorite food, movie, tv show, etc. Does he want to watch the same movie all the time? Does he only want to eat his favorite food for every meal? Most likely not. You can love something but not want it all time.
For this situation, it seems as if he views sex as a “need” which isn’t a desire, but maybe a mental issue. He should not be demanding this or overstepping your boundaries. Honestly, the fact that he’s forcing this onto you does not seem healthy. And the fact he’s pulling the “you don’t like me” card in concerning. He needs to get help and reevaluate his standards. He’s being manipulative and taking advantage of you. You can say no whenever you want.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through my dear, stay safe
If you love your partner, you care about their happiness as well as your own.
If one of us isn’t feeling well, that is definitely an easily understood reason for delaying sex.
He may love you completely, but he needs to realize that you are overwhelmed. My wife gave me free-use permission years ago. I can take her anytime I feel like it, but she also knows that I truly love and care about her. I can tell when doesn’t feel well, or really sore from a tough workout. She never says no, but she will say tomorrow morning would be better.
My wife is my world and my best friend. Her happiness is important to me and mine is to her.
Your spouse would be well served to know that if you are happy and feeling loved and cared for, then he would be receiving the same.
Best of luck to you. Relationships aren’t easy, but they are do-able with good communication.
He wants sex for his pleasure not yours.
It’s also possible that he might have attention deficit disorder it can create a high sex drive.
However that is no excuse and if he can’t take his partners feelings and wants into consideration then he’s not worthy of you at all.
Sounds like frequency is the main issue for him and your stressful schedule is a major roadblock for you to have any control in resolving the problem.
Where You Are:
How often do you two currently have sex? It wasn’t mentioned. What seems more than adequate to you with your busy schedule, feels insufficient to him.
Possible solutions:
Managing Frequency:
Perhaps specific times/days could be determined each week so that it’s not a topic of constant or daily discussion and he’s not pressuring you to be available when it’s not possible.
Managing Daily Tasks:
If he’s wanting sex as often as you stated, then he has far more idle time on his hands than you currently do.
Create a list of all of your tasks and errands on a daily and weekly basis. He needs to do the same. If possible shift some of your current responsibilities to him. This would increase the skin in the game for both parties and free up time in your schedule to be more available.
Good luck.
Like that. You say that to him.
I’m concerned about all the anal. I didnt save the link but it was about female anatomy and why anal is especially bad for women. Think incontenace… I’m sure if you Google it you can find info on it.
Imo… your husband sounds manipulative and selfish.
You are living my dream life. Never met a man who could keep up with my libido, my problem in mostly all relationships has always been the guy. I would kill to marry someone who wanted sex everyday, 3x a day, 7 times a week.
I always think that if heterosexual men had to be penetrated in various holes on their body for their partner’s sexual pleasure, they might not be as horny as often for it either. It really takes a lot of things being in place, mentally and physically, to be ready and open and turned on enough to have a hole in your body slammed into repeatedly.
I’d let him think whatever he wanted to get me out of having sex every 5 minutes.. sure I despise sex, whatever.. just stop touching me. lol
This does not sound like a heathy caring relationship. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way. Just stop having sex with him and give your poor abused body a break. He understands how you feel he is manipulating you and treating you like a thing not a person he cares about.
He doesn’t need to understand why you feel this way. He needs to respect that you do.
For someone who never tires of sex, it will be difficult to explain why you need a break. What should be easy to explain, though, is the consequence of always being pressured when you’re not in the mood — it will make you averse, and lead to less sex for you two.
He doesnt care about you.
I also like pizza but I don’t eat it daily.
Your husband is an overgrown toddler.
“you choose to interpret this in a black and white way. If I love something I should want something as much as you, if not, you say I hate it or you. This isn’t true. That you don’t even want to understand this and accuse me of it, I wonder what’s going on? Why are you doing this?”
It sounds like a small thing, but try rephrasing it.
“I would love to have sex, when I’m not so tired”
“I would like to do anal again, in a few days”
The first one also gives him a goal to work towards – how can he help you be less tired?
It sounds like he is thinking that when you ‘like’ something specific it means you will have the same amount of spontaneous desire he does. So he hammers at that and then is confused and disappointed when you are frequently turning him down.
That part is manageable, and a book club starting with ‘Come As You Are’ would probably make a big difference.
The other part where he makes your refusal personal, gets emotionally manipulative about it and is already succeeding in making you feel like it’s your problem to solve? Yeah. Bigger issue. There is no explanation of your feelings that will stop this behavior because he is uninterested in your feelings about it, except as an opportunity to leverage you into doing what he wants.
The problem is not that he doesn’t understand. He understands perfectly well, he just pretends not in order to manipulate you.
The problem is that he doesn’t care about you, or your feelings. He cares only about himself.
Dump this idiot.
Was he like this before kids?
It’s a common theme that kids will disrupt a couples’ libido. Often times it doesn’t recover to pre-child levels. This can make men nervous that a decrease in frequency for completely valid reasons is an indicator of a long term lack of sex in a relationship.
If he’s worried that your current frequency will be your forever frequency, this can cause him to be too pushy.
You are explaining it correctly. He isn’t listening.
I “hate” sex, and “don’t like him” — this is manipulative and he knows you’ll give in (as you have so far). You don’t give him exactly what he wants so he is extreme and says things he knows you’ll try to refute and reinforce by giving him what he wants (“i love you, i love our sex, let’s have sex”).
Try telling him how these words make you feel and come up with a frequency you guys can compromise on. But be clear that it is not on his terms alone and make sure the frequency you agree on is realistic. Tell him these words are manipulative, make you feel guilty and undermine the trust you have in the marriage.
‘Preferably without making him feel bad, because then that will be another problem I have to fix.’ — You aren’t in charge of not making him feel bad. This is another example of manipulation.
You really need to get away from this mindset. You can’t control how other people react to things; that is THEIR job, not yours. Do not feed into this or you will spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around him trying not to upset him because he has clearly learnt that if he throws a tantrum he can guilt-trip you into giving him exactly what he wants.
Some people have a hard time with shades of concepts like that. They see the world as black/white, up/down, yes/no, and struggle with complexity.
It’s very difficult to explain “sometimes” to someone like that.
It also sounds like he’s very focused on what he wants and trying to position your comments in a way that benefits him.
Taken together… There’s a lot more wrong here than just explaining a concept to him. That doesn’t look good for long-term happiness.
I think this would require some couples counseling. You shouldn’t have to force yourself into sex to please him, and he shouldn’t be coercing you by being manipulative in what he says.
You are not obliged to do this. Even being married.
~~Who makes the food in your house? Perhaps it’s mostly you, in which case…~~
~~What is your husband’s absolute favorite dish? Lasagna? Ice cream?~~
~~If you are the chef, then I suggest that for the next 14 days, all meals are the favorite. Breakfast? It’s time for ice cream! Lunch? ICE CREAM! Dinner? An extra large helping of ice cream.~~
~~After not very long, your point will have been made.~~
~~Serve one more after that, just to drive the point home, then wait a few months before serving ice cream again.~~
Edit: Read one of your replies. Scratch this,