As the title suggest, she found pics of me and an ex.
We were hanging out back at my place, and she found some pictures and began browsing, and I told her there may be some in there of me and an ex. She didn’t say anything and kept going through them anyways. Naturally she got to them and got upset and a bit sad and wonder why I didn’t throw them away now that I am with her. I told her, “I didn’t know that they were all still there, I printed that stacked of phots on a Shutterfly deal like 4 years ago (way before me and my current was even together) and it had pics from the past years.”
So she suggested I throw them out and I said idk if I really want to, because that’s a memory of me and my past and experiences I had, throwing away serves no significant value, I don’t miss her, but I still like the photo cause I’m in it. If I ever look back at them I still want think and say this was a good pic.
Prob sounds stupid and most would say I need to throw it away cause it’ll make her feel better and more secure. What do you think? Why do people always insist their new partner throw away things from an ex? If I throw them out, it’s not like I can wash that memory off my mind cause that happened before her existence.
30 comments
Not stupid at all. She is insecure.
Throwing those photos away removes images of good times in your life. It is insecure and selfish of her to demand it.
I do not think it is unreasonable to ask it however… with the difference being how strongly you feel about keeping them.
I think it’s ridiculous to have to throw them away. I keep photos and souvenirs of exs in a box out of sight but they are memories of my life. Why would I throw them out. I understand for some people that’s part of the healing process but to claim you are holding onto feelings because of some photos you don’t look at is crazy. One day when your old you might want to look back on your life, the moments who made you who you are. That’s good and bad.
i’ve always thought, keeping things is for memories. like you said, it’s not like we look at it constantly, but one day, finding it randomly, would bring back those memories.
it’s not wrong to think positively on it, if that happens in the future. breaking up and being with a new person, doesn’t mean someone in our past didn’t happen.
but i can understand her view point that if she is asking this from you, you do need to address it. either say no, make a compromise, or say yes , and then she can make her own conclusions and decisions about that, since you’ll not be able to convince her that keeping the photos has no big value to you. from her perspective, it does have big value.
I keep photos of my ex and so does my partner, nothing wrong with that. They were good past memories for us.
I keep pictures of my past! It’s not wrong to remember you had a life before your current partner.
I also have photos like these. As long as there is no sexual or something like that about them I dont se any problems with having them. if it is a selfie of your ex I get her concern but other then that I dont get your gfs problem. But I am a werry nostalgisk person so maybe others think differently.
I have not had any problems with my partner and exs wanting me to throw my photos. They know I take photos at everything and they know I had a life before them. Maybe your gf can learn to be more open minded.
Suggest having her talk through her feelings about it…in a calm non-provoking manner. Do they make her feel insecure? Do they make her fell less loved or liked? Let her talk through her feelings…even offer to speak to a neutral 3rd party or counselor about it…if you are invested enough. A lot of times, once a person is able to vocalize how they feel in a safe secure zone, they are able to get past their feelings or even develop a different point of view.
This is always an uphill battle mate.
My current gf has similar views where she threw out all exes gifts and pictures were all deleted. I tend to leave albums in a messy state and love the gifts I got because they were well thought of and because I don’t get many gifts.
So my gf’s boundaries is having nothing while my boundary is to let me have such sentimental things because I like them 🤷 She seems to be ok with certain things so far but nudes are a no go (ofcourse I agree to that) and other pictures/gifts bring her bad feelings but she doesn’t force me to throw away/delete
I personally would throw them away because I don’t give a shit about any of my ex’s.
don’t do this – i recently dated a girl that was insecure and i allowed her to convince me to do stuff sort of like this. we aren’t dating anymore so it was all for nothing.
don’t destroy memories for someone that might not even be your partner in a year. put them away in a shoebox under your bed with other sentimental things.
Just put them away, out of sight. It’s ridiculous for someone to expect you to forget happy things from your past.
She needs to get over her insecurities about the past.
I found some pics of my wife’s first love, who was a great guy (killed by drunk while they were dating). I scanned them for her to have digitally. He was important to her.
Interestingly, it made her a little uncomfortable. She didn’t know why.
so i’ve been single most of my life. when my dad passed 2 years ago i really wanted our childhood photo albums because there were not many of my baby sister who passed away during a 3rd grade memorial weekend back in the 90’s. she got into a car accident and passed away.. anyways back to the point we were there with family, my brothers wife is there with him and their kids. we find the album and sort through it and my brothers wife sees my brothers 1st wife who also passed away during a car accident maybe about 3 years before my sister passed.
my brothers wife wanted to throw them away. my brother didn’t care. and then this also followed up with my other brother with his wife found pics of his previous gf in photos back in the ‘00’s. she also wanted those pictures thrown out. my brothers and their intial responses were pretty blank, they both said they were different people back then with strong indication that these were memories of their past. but their current partners didn’t care. it just seems to me that women are very insecure about sentimental things without care about how it effects their partners.
the first brother i mentioned had been widowed from his wife in her terrible car accident. she was a nice person and often fought my brother to try to get him to leave his gang life back in the 90’s. i remember these moments clearly. it just baffles me that women or better yet partners just don’t care about how some relationships are life changing and some people who are no longer in the picture were really nice people who had no ill intentions at all.
i get there’s jealousy issues about previous partners but at least give them the respect they earned with the life they’ve lived if they’re gone. some people are cruelly selfish.
edit to add. we still have those pictures. my brothers wives just will never see them
Nope I don’t have a lot of photos but I do have photos of past husband, and a couple of others. Not a lot but a few. Like you they sit in a box in the closet. I almost never go to them, unless someone dies or has a baby or something. It is your life and history.
Well there’s a ton of variance when it comes to this stuff, so not every situation has the same answer.
If you’re completely over that ex, you’re very happy in your current relationship, and those memories don’t negatively impact you in any way it’s probably healthy enough to hold on to. That being said, if your current partner is made uneasy by it then what’s the big deal with letting those photos go?
Really it comes down to who cares about it more, and as a result whose feelings might deserve more attention in this situation. It sounds to me like you’re attached to the photos, but you don’t ***need*** them to be happy in your relationship – hell, you didn’t even know for sure if they were in there apparently.
Ultimately I think you just need to take this very clear opportunity to talk to your partner about how you both feel and find a fair compromise for this situation, and probably let her know what else you still have from past relationships that you ***won’t*** get rid of, and for good reasons.
This is stuff because I understand both sides of it. I want to keep pictures with my ex for the memories, but not interested in getting back with any of them, and some of them are married with kids, so there would be zero chance of me getting back with him anyway. yet on the other hand, I can say looking at a picture of my ex with their ex, and wanting to keep the picture would not be the most comforting thing for me as well.
Sorry, I don’t have a solution for you, but wanted to validate the feelings and say that neither one of you are crazy or completely irrational at least.
Not unreasonable of her to ask or have feelings about the photos. If you love this person, you will listen to her and engage in a loving calm conversation to reassure her of your intentions and you can get a glimpse into her perspective.
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Whenever I’m out of a relationship, I get rid of the memories of them and with them (photos, memorabilia, gifts, phone number, address). This has been essential for me in moving on after a break up.
I personally do this because I don’t want to come across these things and have a moment of weakness to think “was my life actually better with this person?”, “should I have stayed with this person and worked it out?”, (even if I don’t have a new partner) the answer for me is usually no.
If I had a previous partner and we broke up, I am intentional about removing the potential of me missing them or wondering if life would’ve been different, better. Additionally I’ve noticed items from happy memories with past partners distract me from the reasons why I decided to moved on.
I prefer to be intentional about filling my thoughts, storage space, memories, and energy with what is relevant to me now so that I can move toward a specific future I want.
Because of this mentality I realize I can get sensitive when it comes to my partner having and holding on to memories of their exes. Personally, it’s taken having conversations about the intentions of these photos and having to recognize that people choose to live their lives differently.
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Sounds to me like she is asking you to affirm your feelings for her and show your intentions with actions. We humans don’t always know the best solutions to our resolving hurt feelings, and her asking you to get rid of those photos is probably the only option she could think of to see you make an effort toward a solution.
I think the intentions behind keeping memorabilia from a past relationship is where your partner might be concerned. Also, like another redditor said, it’s very likely there are other concerns or issues as well. This may seem like an isolated case coming from no where but consider there may be other ways your partner feels dispensable, inadequate, etc… and with you on top of that holding on to your past, she may feel it more. if you love that person and you don’t think they are those things, take a loving approach to show her what you really feel. It starts with a conversation.
Whether you get rid of them or not should be a conversation that both you and your partner are happy with. No one on Reddit or outside of your relationship can tell you it’s better to get rid of them or keep them. Recognize the implications of holding on to these photos and your partners feelings toward them, find a solution together.
Final note: you will eventually move on from your exes especially if you have no photos or memorabilia. Throwing them out would serve several purposes, but do those purposes matter to you? Does it matter more to hang on to them? What purpose does it serve to you to keep those memories? These are questions to ask yourself and possibly discuss with your partner as well.
My ex was with his ex for 12 years, she bought him a real gold necklace & this man has never taken it off in the 12 years he was with her and the 2 years after they broke up, it has her initials on the clip and everything. I told him how it bugged me a bit, because it’d be like me wearing a ring from another guy. This man literally went to take it off and his whole face crumpled & he started crying (again, hasn’t removed it for 14 years). I then realized what I was asking him to do & told him that I wanted him to keep it on. It was a comfort and memory for him & there’s nothing wrong with that.
For me personally, I get rid of everything from an ex. Pictures, gifts etc. right after we break up. Only thing I’ll maybe keep is photos of me that they may have took, or photos of places (museums for example.) that we went to together but nothing with their face in it. But honestly I do this for me because it makes me feel like I’m ready to really start fresh and leave that person in the past. I personally would get rid of pictures of me and an ex if it made my significant other uncomfortable but really that’s just me and everyone is different. You are perfectly entitled to keep them but she is also entitled to feel some type of way about it. Everyone is different with different boundaries and mindsets and maybe you guys just aren’t compatible especially if this is a persisting issue that you both can’t come to a compromise on.
Honestly, I wouldn’t throw them out. Speaking from personal experience I was in a 6 year relationship then a 3 year one where I was asked to delete all pictures of my ex and I. I did and I regret it. Those were major years of my life and the majority of my pictures from those years were only those ones. Now I don’t even have pictures of myself as well as a picture to jog my memory of all the experiences I had over those years. I also had zero interest in reconnecting with the ex, didn’t miss them or anything, it was strictly a memory.
That being said, I would never ask my SO to delete their pictures if they ensured me no feelings were involved. And as long as they never did anything to disprove what they said it would be totally fine with me. I would probably even ask to hear the stories (if my partner was okay with sharing) so I could learn more about them and their memories/life before me.
If they were pics of an ex *and* there were shared children then I would say keep them because they’re family pics. If they’re just pics of you and her then what purpose do they serve you while you’re in a new, serious relationship?
I wipe out my entire past when starting a serious relationship because the past serves zero purpose for me in the current day. I can’t wipe out memories but I can delete the physical reminders and there’s no love-loss in doing so.
If things ended on good terms why wouldn’t you want to remember that person and keep certain things. Your GF needs to work out her insecurities and why something as small as a photo bothers her so much. Throwing a photo away doesn’t erase your history with this person so what is the purpose? Is there something in her dating history that makes her worried? Does she still have feelings for an ex? I think this is a much bigger conversation your both need to have about trust. Keep the photos. She needs to grow up.
Idk your age, but for me personally, in my 30s, if anyone was so insecure they asked me to throw away pictures of my ex and I, I would end that relationship right then and there, lol. I’m too old to be guiding someone through their insecurities. If they haven’t had enough life experience to be a more confident and secure self by then, we aren’t a match.
Your girlfriend is mad that you have a past. Tell her to cool it
Questions:
Why is she snooping around in your stuff?
Is she just as open about letting you snoop through hers?
How long have you been dating?
Does she often make requests like this?
My take is some people need to delete to get rid of the feelings. Other people need to keep everything to remind themselves of the lessons they learned of what happened. The good and the bad. I think we all process breakups, life and memories differently. I do not think she should impose her way of processing breakups/ the past on to you.
if somehow you are planning on going back to the ex and you have residual feelings for the ex, then me as a gf would take that as a huge red flag and seriously consider wether I want to continue with you or not.
This warrants a discussion and solution. I hope you come to an agreeable one.
Personally, I don’t understand why people keep photos of past partners. Even if the memories were good, they should just stay memories. I don’t understand the need of keeping a visual reminder.
Why can’t you store them in a box and keep them that way? I don’t see anything wrong with keeping pictures of an ex. I have printed pictures of me with my ex husband and on my social media still. I wouldn’t date anyone who told me to throw them away especially the ones that are family photos. We still have a family photo in the home we share. That’s a whole other story.
It’s a double edged sword, I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to have pictures of her and her ex on her phone or even in a photograph. You can’t truly trust anyone to stay loyal anymore. So like how I wouldn’t want pictures of her and her ex on a photo in her possession, I should expect myself to also not have pictures of me and my ex.
The only memories I’d want from and ex is the lesson learned. Other than that you could it be a tendency to hold onto things like hoarders, unresolved issues, or an anxious attachment?
I found out my ex not only had a bunch of photos of him and his ex saved to his hidden folder, but he was actively cyberstalking her on a daily basis. He even suggested I pierce my ears like hers. I know you’re probably not stalking your ex, but I promise you that nothing good can come from keeping those photos. Make new, better memories with your present girlfriend, or if she really is toxic, then leave and find someone new. But don’t jeopardize what you have now for your past. I’ve heard that most men will carry a torch for one woman their whole lives, and the rest of the women they date will never live up to her. I’ve found so very often it’s true. I don’t know if that rings true for you, but I hope not. Good luck to you 🙏