A little bit of a background, this will be a long post.
I (f30) am in a relationship with my husband (m39) for 7 years and married for 3. We have a 3 yo son and I am his primary caretaker. My husband work 8-10 hours a day without weekends and is a primary breadwinner in our family. I would describe my work as part-time – sometimes 2 hours a day, sometimes full shift, sometimes I am free for the whole day. We are generally both happy with this arrangment as we both work but I am way more flexible and have more time so I can take care of our child more, take him from the kindergarden early, take care of him when he is sick, etc.
There are three essential problems here:
1. Biggest one: I do not know how much money my husband makes (although I have my guess) nor how much money he has in his bank account. How did it come to this? Well we both mostly covered our expenses while we dated so I never really cared that much. However, once I got pregnant I was first on maternity leave for 2 years and now a part time worker so I rely on his earnings more. I know that he earns way more then I do because we can uphold a good lifestyle, but I do not know the details. He gave me his credit card I can use, but every time I need cash I need to ask him for money and he sometimes comments why I need it, and that he gave me last week etc. It really makes me feel inferior, as if I am a child asking for allowance. I feel that his earnings are mostly “his” because he works for them on a very stressful job but I also feel that I should be more involved because I also work, take care of the house (laundry, meals, dishes everything mostly) and our child for the bigger part of the day. So once everything is set and done, I feel exhausted on the end of the day due to the work I put in for our family but I feel like most of the (financial) reward is not really considered ours but that he consider it his. So while he is always willing to buy me things I want and spend the money on me, I think he does not see it as someting ours and that offends me.
2. I also feel as I am the default parent all the time, and he frequently goes out with his friends, gets hair and beard done, etc as he wishes. He only informs me that he will not be home until 10 pm. This was also our arrangement before the child and I didn’t mind it then because I also led more social life, but I feel as things have changed because someone always needs to watch the kid now and that someone is most frequently me.
3. Last issue is sex. It was never mindblowing, but it was mostly good. Now, he seems to be more selfish, he doesn’t give foreplay much, etc. I aksed him about this before and he made some amends but sex sometimes still feels like another thing I should do on my checklist so everything can be in order. And I know it shouldn’t be this way. Additionally, if he is away all day I do not feel that connected with him and these issues above also make me feel more distanced.
Not everything is bad, he is generally very supportive husband and a good parent. I know he is faithful and that he doesn’t have anything shady going on, but these issues bothered me for a while and in order to avoid causing resentment I talked to him about it.
Yesterday I had a really bad day after I was taking care of our sick toddler all day and I talked to him about all these issues. It was a bad choice to discuss these while we were both tired and nervous. I tried to reasonably explain my points but I got carried away and we got into a huge fight.
Essentially he feels that his earnings are private thing and that I shouldn’t really care as I am taken care of and always will be (which I am). But he didn’t got across the whole point about jow patronising that is, and that our earnings should be our common thing and goal and not his private thing. He said that he won’t ask about where I spent the money he gives in the future, but he still doesn’t want to share his salary.
He also said about how these drink nights with his friends help him unwind from stressful work and talked about how much stress he has been having recently which made me sorry I started this discussion at all. He told me that I offended him with this discussion because if these things are true then nothing is right in our relationship and he doesn’t feel that way. He said that I am destroying a healthy relationship with these non-existing issues.
Now I feel that he resents me, which I never felt before, although we had our fights.
I am sorry I chose that occasion for this, and that I crammed it all on one night, also for some things I said. But I feel these things bothered me for a while and that I should have shared that with him. What do you guys think about all this? (If you sticked until the end).
EDIT: thanks to everyone who responded.
You definitely shed a new light to this and made me think about my situation. I never saw it as financial abuse because we live pretty comfortably. The reality is that we have a wide age gap and he was always better-off during our relationship. When I met him he was already in a good place both financially and professionally and it was obvious that it would take me years to keep up. So it was natural for me to lean on him for covering most of our expenses and taking care of financial planning. It could be said that I contributed to this situation because I got to comfortable and never addressed this matter.
But we got married and got a child so things changed. I do a lot of work and while I do not contribute as much as him moneywise I definitely deserve to be more included and I see that now. We will discuss that again and hopefully he will see where I am coming from.
We do not live in USA so we have a different tax system. In any case it is not about the number but about being involved in financial planning as an equal partner.
Thank you all.
14 comments
Pretty open and shut financial abuse.
In case you thought you had a partner in life, you don’t.
Honestly this is stuff that should be disclosed when you’re engaged. Have you explicitly asked him to tell you his exact financial situation and he declined?
You all need some Dave Ramsey.
No matter who you are, you have a right to know of his income and how the house is or should be running.
Honey, this isn’t a partnership at all. These are not “non-existing” issues. You are his wife, not a dependent minor. Both of your should know exactly how much money the two of you earn, decide on financial goals and a budget, and savings plan.
Married people don’t deny partners access to marital checking/savings accounts. It is fine to have separate accounts if mutually agreed, but this sounds as if he grants you money—you have no financial
Rights.
He is “offended” because he is treating you like a child and he doesn’t want to start living like a married partner who shares plans in advance with their adult partner.
Yes, being the sole support of a family is hard. So is working part time and managing a house.
If he doesn’t value that and treat you as a full decision making partner, be ready for a marriage where you are never treated as an equal.
Become accustomed to never having any financial security. Get ready to spend the next decades of your life walking on eggshells since you are not allowed to voice your opinions or ask Questions since he is more important than you and the only decision maker in Your marriage and has no respect for you.
I would suggest counseling (just for you) to try and get a read on why you are willing to let anyone, let alone your partner who is supposed to love and respect you, treat you like a child, keep you financially impoverished, and behave like a single
Man while his wife parents his child.
So, a few things from your post that I want to touch on that struck me:
1) Finances – You need to know what’s going on. I don’t know how far down the financial rabbit hole you need to go, but you might want to bring to his attention that, in the event something unforeseen happens to him, knowing where your financial accounts are is imperative.
* Ask if he has made you POD (payable on death) on any bank accounts that are in his name only? Your access time will be severely impaired in terms of accessing funds for yourself and your child in the event your husband were to pass away.
* Does he have retirement accounts? Are you the named primary beneficiary? How about life insurance? What kind of policy does he have?: What will be payable to you? Who is the carrier?
* Do you have investment accounts? Are those accounts TOD (transfer on death) to you?
* Who do you have credit cards issued through?
* Outstanding loans? Who are the lenders?
My hubby and I work in the financial services world, and I cannot be more emphatic that it is vitally important that, even if you don’t know the daily minutiae of the finances, you at least need an outline of where the accounts are – same for bills. From spouses to adult children of elderly adults, it’s disturbingly common for one spouse to pass and the other to be clueless. I would reiterate to him that if he truly loves and respects you and wants to minimize any additional pain and trauma were he to pass unexpectedly, he needs to loop you in on this information. Our work around for me ‘asking’ hubby for money was we just opened up a separate joint account that I used for regular household stuff/kid stuff/fun stuff and he just set up an autodraft from the main account every month.
2) This is the kind of thing that couples counseling really helped us with. In our 3rd year of marriage (or so, it’s a blur now lol) we were both kind of blind to what the other spouse was going through, and convinced each of us individually was bearing the brunt of everything. An unbiased third party was way better at navigating us both back towards the center and out of our individual corners.
3) When resentment is festering it’s gonna be hard for each of you to find that want for each other, honestly. See #2 – couples therapy helped us here, too.
You already recognized that letting everything bottle up ’til you just let ‘er rip is, well, not productive. Even if you’re right, you know? I had to get out of this myself, I did it a lot, then I’d unleash and it always seemed like it was on his worst day stress-wise, which just caused the argument to spin wildly out of control.
I know therapy gets pushed a lot on here but honestly, this reads like some solid communication work (especially listening without getting angry/defensive for him, and picking a good, neutral time to discuss issues/speaking up before your inner anger troll runs lose for you) would hopefully help you guys work through some of this.
In a marriage the finances should be transparent. I don’t think he should keep any information from you about his income or what money is being spent where. It doesn’t matter that he is the breadwinner, you are a team. I don’t blame you one bit for being resentful about this. It is just plain wrong to me that he considers it “his business”. It doesn’t matter that you are taken care of – you are an equal partner to him in this marriage and should have equal access to at least SEE the finances. There is no excuse for this to me.
I can understand he needs his “unwind” time, but so do you. You should have equal free time. You both have jobs, you are also the caretaker for the child. He should not have more free time because he is the breadwinner. That is disrespectful to me. Free time for an hour while your kid naps is not the same as a whole evening child free with your friends. If you want that, take it. Surely he can manage.
On the sex, I recommend you stop having sex you don’t want. That will only make you repulsed by him eventually. Tell him that you need more from him both connection wise and sex wise, and that you don’t want to engage in duty sex anymore. Then stop having duty sex!
Your husband doesn’t respect you like he should. He seems to think that because he is the breadwinner, he is superior to you. That’s what it seems like to me. He does not seem like he considers you an equal partner to him at all.
So, you have to decide if you want to stay in a marriage if these are the rules. You have to either (a) accept the way he wants to run the ship (if the rest is worth it to you!) (b) make him change course (even if he gets pissed off), or (c) leave. He has no valid reason to resent you in my opinion. Perhaps marriage counseling is a good next step, I think you will find support there for your position since he is not behaving reasonably to me. I would at least TRY to use a counselor to exercise option b assuming option a or c are not acceptable to you.
Do you file joint tax return? You should be able to see the w-2 earnings. Your issues a not uncommon. Counseling would be good for these.
to me it is a huge red flag if you do not know how much your spouse earns. this is something both need to be transparent about …so you can budget etc…what about when it comes to buying a house usually you would sit down with a banking person and you would say what your income is?
I have always known what my husband earns and he knows what I earn (when I have worked).
my husband is the only income earner in our house but it is our money yes he is the one that goes out to work but we are a family.
i’ve been with my husband for 5.5 years and married for one year next month. i don’t have his bank info and he doesn’t have mine. i don’t work but he works fulltime. however, we talk about combining our finances and getting a joint bank account with a log in we both know (also i big deal, he calls the money he makes OUR money. it’s never his money, it’s always ours). i know how much he makes, he doesn’t hide his finances from me. he openly discusses what is happening and what he wants to start doing (as far as retirement, savings, etc).
money can be a BIIIIIIGGG problem with relationships. if he can’t talk openly about his salary with his wife and mother of his child, there is a big issue.
I think you need to have the conversation again when you are both rested. And then make a routine of talking. After decades of not resolving things in my first marriage, now, in my second relationship (live together, unmarried) we talk in a calm way about things atleast once a month.
I listened to a [podcast](https://spotify.link/V29IhtqBaEb) recommended by a friend. If your husband is in tech, tell him it is like a scrum/Agile Retro for relationships. [RADAR](https://www.multiamory.com/radar) is an acronym for Review Agenda Discuss Action Reconnect. And it keeps difficult topics from becoming deal breakers.
This is not a healthy marriage.
From someone who works in family court if your marriage fails he will successfully hide any assets and savings he has. Hiding his income and accounts also makes it easy to hide any affairs ( not saying he is doing this but I see this all the time).
Get smarter and be more vocal. What are you to do if he dies or becomes incapacitated? How will you be able to access funds or pay bills?
If he still is refusing to show you look at last tax returns or you can do a credit check.
My husband doesn’t know how much I earn… because he doesn’t really care. I am the primary income earner and he is the primary caretaker for our children, we have a joint account with full access for each of us. He’s the beneficiary of all my accounts.
I do have a separate savings account he doesn’t have access to, but only bc he wasn’t around to ask his SSN when I set it up…pure laziness. But he knows it exists.
I even prepare a financial report yearly so he has a picture of our finances because otherwise he’d have no idea – I pay the bills, control the IRA, do the budget, make most of the financial decisions.
He doesn’t pay much attention to the little report I make because financial stuff is not important to him, but he is my partner and this is Our money and I always want to be clear we’re on the same page, have the same goals and expectations, etc. I try to avoid even the appearance that he’s not entitled to our money, and would never treat him like a child with an allowance. That’s shady.