I met a wonderful man in a 3rd world country while on a work assignment. Since then, we’ve been dating LDR for 3 years, some of the time I spend living with him in his country, other time in LDR. We are highly compatible except for our life circumstances. The only way for this to work would be for me to sponsor him to immigrate to my country, and support him through higher education (he doesn’t have university degree) so he has any shot at all at a comfortable middle class life. We would have to be legally married for this to work. I don’t want to move to his country and raise kids in his country because my earning power is much more in my home country.
This is enormous financial investment on my part. I don’t feel comfortable marrying someone who I’d have to financially support. He’s hardworking and he wants to make something of himself, so the will is there. But at this point he doesn’t even speak English. It’s going to be a long road for him. Nothing is impossible, but the cards are definitely stacked against him. And I don’t want to go through all this with the expectation on him that he’d succeed. That’s too much pressure on him and it’s not going to pan out well.
At the same time, I know that if I marry him he would never leave me. Our personalities are very compatible. I am attracted to the prospect of stability and a life long partner.
I should add here I’ve have thought about him using me for financial security / immigration fraud. For specific reasons I won’t detail, I am very sure this is not the case. I know he for sure wants to be with me.
I’m looking for some life advice people who have more wisdom than me. At this point, it’s either we get married or we break up.
Should I marry this guy who I am highly compatible with personality-wise, knowing that with high probability I’d have to financially support him and he might be a stay-at-home dad in the future, or should I give up this relationship and find someone with financial parity/earning potential and/or education level, which seems like is an important issue for me?
5 comments
You shouldn’t marry or date him.
This is all a terrible, terrible idea. Date and marry someone local that is already self sufficient.
Him using you, doesn’t ensure he won’t leave you. Just that you will lose even more in the process.
Why the low self confidence that this is an attractive fantasy?
Any time you have to say “We are highly compatible except for…” you are not highly compatible.
Sure, you think he’s a great guy who would make a loving and faithful husband. But let’s face it – he’s also a “fixer-upper” and you will have to invest a lot of time and money to transform him into an equal partner in education and wage-earning capacity. There’s no guarantee that your attempted transformation plan would even succeed. How would you feel if you paid for him to attend college (in addition to all of your combined living expenses), and he struggled so much academically that he decided to drop out – or did well enough to graduate, but then still couldn’t settle into a well-paying career? Perhaps didn’t even try all that hard to look for a good job,since your wages were obviously enough for both of you to live on? Does the person in any of those scenarios still look like someone you’re eager to marry?
I’d advise you to force your heart to listen to your brain, and end this relationship when you head home. Sadly, real life rarely plays out like the happy ending of a Hallmark made-for-TV movie, and you can’t expect to change the BF you have into the BF you want. Surely you can meet someone right in your local area who meshes just as well with your own personality, and who already possesses most of your relationship deal-makers with none of the deal-breakers. I’m sorry, OP.
Not wrong at all. If relationship doesn’t work, your level of resentment will be off the chart
It just depends on how important money is to you.
I’m ok with having ”1st world enough” money plus a little extra, and I’m able to do that on my own. So I don’t need a partner to fill any financial hole in my life. I’m also a 40 year old woman and already have a child, so I don’t need a partner to help with that, either. I’ve just started in my field but the earning potential is in the $200k range which is plenty for us.
My current partner works and makes good money, and we’ve talked about what things would look like if I was earning a boat load, and he would still elect to work because he enjoys it, not just because it pays him.
I think it’s not that important to me to be making all that much because I would be ok with him being a house husband and just building stuff for us and puttering around the house all day. He’s an equal partner and he cleans, does chores, and runs errands without anyone needing to tell him, so I know I wouldn’t just be funding some stay at home loser.
It sounds like your guy is a great fit. When you’re old and your body is failing you’re going to want someone you can trust to still hug you and treat you with kindness. He might have a very hard time leaving his home country especially if he can’t hang out and chat with your friends due to the language barrier. I would say learning English is way more important than making an equal amount of money as you do, especially if you’re already making plenty of money on your own.
Personally I do not think this would work for me. First you have been dating 3 years but you don’t know him as well as you would if you dated 3 years in person
Second, you already worry about supporting him and that resentment will only grow as it comes to fruition
Third, there is a lot of cultural differences you may not be aware of due to the LDR and never having lived together. HOW will you raise kids? Is he honestly 100% on board with being a stay at home dad and doing the typical full load of housework and child duties? If you are even considering doing this, you should DEFINITELY get into pre-marriage counseling and work out absolutely everything beforehand so there are no surprises.
Is he currently learning English? What are his job skills? Do you like his family?