Some background, my girlfriend (26F) and I (25F) have been together for two years. We both have mental health struggles with anxiety and depression. Mine has been mostly well managed for a few years without medication up until this point, I’m now looking for treatment because this situation has brought me a lot lower than I’ve been in awhile.
My girlfriend has had a lot of stress in her life lately. She started a new job a few months ago and isn’t the happiest in her living situation (we don’t live together). I’ve been trying to help her talk through things and her family has too, but her mental health has been declining rapidly the longer things go unsolved.
She’s never happy anymore and cries a lot. She’s physically getting sick with this much anxiety and depression going on, she’s always tired and irritable, she berates herself harshly and has panic attacks over mistakes that have no real consequences. I’m worried about her always feeling like this, no one should have to feel like this.
She desperately needs to seek mental health treatment to feel better. This is taking a huge toll on her, but also on the relationship and me. I’ve been trying so hard to help her and be patient while managing my own mental health, but I’m at the end of my rope. This has been going on for months, and no matter how much I beg her to consult with a therapist and the benefits of doing so, she won’t seek any treatment or backs out each time she says she’ll find someone.
She just keeps brushing me off, and then when things get worse she picks fights with me, blames me for it, and then hits another low. I can’t keep doing this. Our relationship is strained, my own mental health is getting worse because of the situation, and unless she starts seeking treatment, I can’t keep doing this.
As much as I dread having to do it, because I really love her and don’t want to lose her, I have to make an ultimatum this time because she won’t try to help herself, and all I’m doing is destroying myself by staying here with no change. I’m going to tell her that she needs to seek treatment or tell her that I have to walk away.
But what is a good time frame to go off of for change? I want her to get treatment ASAP so she can start feeling better again, and I need to know she’ll actually do it instead of backing out. But I also know she needs time to find someone good and prepare herself for it without being rushed.
TL;DR: Girlfriend’s mental health isn’t good, I’ve been asking her to seek treatment for months but she keeps refusing or backing out. It’s ruining her life, our relationship, and taking a big hit on my own mental health. I’m making an ultimatum that if she doesn’t get treatment, I can’t stay in this relationship. What is a good time frame to ask her for seeking treatment?
11 comments
You could give her 2 months. Like she needs to be actively in therapy/talking to a psychiatrist before the 2 months is up or you’re out?
It isn’t easy to convince someone of getting treatment. The only option I can think of is if you disguise it a bit as a couples therapy at least for the first few sessions; since you’re in treatment yourself, it might be easier for you to ask your therapist if they know someone. On the other hand, a couple where both members are unstable is a recipe for disaster, specially if you’re thinking of going ahead towards marriage and children.
Ultimatums don’t work. For either party. You’ve already made your decision, just rip the bandaid off
> I can’t keep doing this. Our relationship is strained, my own mental health is getting worse because of the situation, and unless she starts seeking treatment, I can’t keep doing this.
Suggest you follow your own advice
**You can’t keep doing this.**
~**STOP!**
edit 1: Tonight or right now works too.
You can only do so much and you cant save everyone. Maybe cut your looses and leave. I wish you luck!
When you’re looking at going the long run with someone, what you MUST look at is their approach to cooperation and problem solving.
When my parents were in their forties, my dad got walloped with depression and everyone was miserable. There was no begging or cajoling him into therapy. My mother communicated how miserable he looked and how miserable people were feeling because he was miserable. HE chose therapy and medication because HE chose his relationship, and family.
Stop thinking about how you are going to beg her to take responsibility for her life and start thinking about whether you can build a life with someone who choses not to take responsibility.
Realistically, if she goes to a therapist, the therapist could ask “why are you here? What do you want to gain from this” and if your girlfriend said “I don’t know” then the therapist might not be inclined to help.
> I’ve been trying so hard to help her and be patient while managing my own mental health, but I’m at the end of my rope. This has been going on for months, and no matter how much I beg her to consult with a therapist and the benefits of doing so, she won’t seek any treatment or backs out each time she says she’ll find someone.
> But what is a good time frame to go off of for change?
She’s already aware of your concerns, and she’s done nothing to make you think that anything’s gonna change. She’s already had months to do something different. Do you think she’ll do anything different if you give her more time?
You don’t need to give her a time frame, you need to have a *real* conversation with her. If she acknowledges what she’s doing, takes responsibility for it, and takes responsibility for seeking treatment, and actually begins to do something which demonstrates she’s willing to work on resolving or at least managing her issues…then perhaps there’s hope for the relationship.
If she can’t take accountability for herself, there’s no point to giving her more time, and it’s best to walk away. If she does take accountability for herself, that should be followed up with action. If not, there’s no point to letting things drag out, and again, it’s best to walk away.
I think 1-2 months would be a good time frame. But also, I think you might need to walk away, for yourself. Even if she gets help, considering she doesn’t exactly want to help herself, getting treatment because you gave her an ultimatum might change nothing because she might not take it seriously. Or you might give her a month, and the end of the month comes and she swears she’s looking and has almost found someone, so you agree to give her more time, then it’s another never ending loop. You deserve to love someone who will make you the happiest person you can be. I think you both need to go your separate ways and I think you should work on yourself for a bit before jumping into another relationship. You shouldn’t let someone else negatively affect your mental health this much- it will not end well. You should very gently break up with her and then go no-contact, and do not get back together under any circumstance, it’s time for you to move on with your life, chase your passions, and free yourself from the trap you’ve gotten caught in.
Maybe instead of an ultimatum just say a better version of the bullet points:
– I’m really sorry you’re going through such a hard time right now
– it’s really affecting my mental health now too
– you’ve not got professional help even though I have asked repeatedly
– I’m going to have to step away for a bit to get better
– I hope you get help, and if you do I would like to be there with you, but I can’t risk my mental health any longer whilst you don’t do anything to help yourself
I dunno. It’s tough, it sucks. But it’s the aeroplane rule, sort out your oxygen mask then help the person next to you so that you don’t both pass out.
First of all, be realistic with yourself. Change takes time… can you keep living through the status quo? For how long? If she’s going to therapy, how long can you hold out? What if things don’t get better even with therapy? There’s no right or wrong answer here, but these are important questions to think through.
If you do decide to move forward, it’s better to make the ultimatum be something concrete and actionable: Within the next two weeks, you need her to have chosen and made an appointment with a therapist. If it helps, you can break it down into smaller steps (choose which therapeutic approach to use, research local therapists, choose two or three to set up a call to check if there’s a good fit, make an appointment with the chosen therapist.) You could even help her with some of the steps if you feel comfortable – making a short list of therapists, contacting therapists to schedule an intro call – but she has to be wiling to do the hard work.
Finally, remember that boundaries are about your actions, not someone else’s. Your boundary here is that you won’t keep being in a relationship with someone who is struggling and not seeking help. Be prepared for the possibility that she’ll choose not to get help – you need to be truly prepared to walk away if that’s the case.