Back story: my husbands first language is Spanish. He has lived in the states his entire life, but his parents always spoke Spanish at home so that’s all he spoke until kindergarten.
Recently I’ve felt like he just hates me and that I’m not good enough. One of the reasons for that is his pretty obvious disdain that I can’t speak Spanish.
In the beginning of our relationship I tried really hard and was very excited to learn and wanted to be able to speak Spanish. It quickly turned when he would speak full sentences to me in Spanish and expect me to respond and then lash out and make fun of me for “staring blankly” at him. He said that I wouldn’t try but really, I was trying. I was thinking of what to say. I wasn’t just going to blurt out nonsense. I felt that would be stupid to do. So after he laid into me about “not responding” I pretty much stopped trying. He made me feel so dumb but wanst trying to help me either.
Anyway. We have 3 kids. They don’t know Spanish. He gets mad that they don’t know it and Huffs and puffs at me bc they don’t know Spanish. I told him that he’s more than capable to talk to his kids and teach them things.
Tonight he said “you know what. I’ve figured it out. I realize that I HATE speaking English when I’m at home with my family. It makes me not even want to talk.” And I took that as a jab honestly. Like yea I should learn the language. I get it. But tonight showed me that maybe he just doesn’t even really like me? Idk.
31 comments
So why didn’t he speak to the kids in Spanish since they were born? Also, instead of encouraging you, he belittled you because you didn’t learn fast enough for him.
You need to have a deep conversation. I don’t even know why you married him and had 3 kids after he treated like that when you were trying to learn Spanish.
>But tonight showed me that maybe he just doesn’t even really like me?
Wasn’t that obvious years ago when he mocked you when you tried to learn Spanish?
How did you have kids with such a garbage person. Why.
What’s the advice you’re asking for
It sounds like y’all have more problems and the language is just a representation of the bigger issues. This isn’t something we’re going to be able to solve here, and I recommend (1) couples counseling, and (2) you take a Spanish class ideally, or at a minimum at least do a Duolingo program on it.
So, he hates speaking English home, but married non Spanish speaking person and does not teach his kids Spanish?
This totally makes sense, right.
This is not about the language, not at all. Whatever bothers him, you have bigger relationship issues and he just deflects it with language. He either tired or done here or … I can;t guess, but this is not the language.
Sounds like he is trying to compensate for having a bad day
Honey, I just read your older posts. It sounds like he is financially, verbally, and emotionally abusive. You need to get yourself out of this relationship for your own well-being, and if that isn’t enough, for your children’s. The way he treats you is not acceptable, and it is setting a horrible example for your children. You’re worth more than that, and you need to stand up for yourself.
Why did u have children with this man who so obviously hated that you didn’t learn Spanish at the beginning of the relationship? Or have another child when he didn’t teach the first one Spanish. Did you talk about your children being bilingual?
Omgoodness, your previous posts on-top of this. Why are you with this man, and why would you want your children being raised in this environment? Please find the resources to, leave with the kids., far far away from this disgusting human.
Hope you understand this: el es abusivo y un idiota
If the kids are of mixed heritage, it’s unfortunate they don’t speak Spanish. 1) it bonds them with that part of the family. 2) it gives them an advantage in many parts of their life. I see the opposite where the guy moves to a foreign country and marries a foreign wife but never learned her language or cared to be fluent in her language. It shows repsect, effort, care and sacrifice on your part. That you don’t speak spanish doesnt mean you don’t care but it definitely means it wasn’t a priority because you got life to deal with. I hope the kids learn spanish!
Honestly that’s on him. I am mixed and my mother spoke to me in Arabic and my dad in Italian. The lingua franca of our house was French. I speak all three of them. If the kids don’t speak Spanish, it is his fault. It is his duty to pass on his language and culture, not yours. Honestly don’t let his nasty attitude get to you. If you want to learn Spanish do it because of your own will. It is a beautiful language. But don’t do it to appease him as he proved you that no matter what you do, it won’t be enough.
>Tonight he said “you know what. I’ve figured it out. I realize that I HATE speaking English when I’m at home with my family. It makes me not even want to talk.”
Yet he made no efforts to help his children become bilingual, which is fairly easier for young kids if they grow up with both when first learning to speak. And he made fun of you and wasn’t supportive of your efforts to learn.
Now he’s had this epiphany which to me sounds like he is sick of his wife and family problem more than a language problem.
Your husband sounds like a dick
I’m sorry but wtf is this shit?!! I’m married to a dude who’s native language is English (he’s British) and mine is not but I’m fluent in English. We’ve been communicating in English since we met and I have never ever asked him to learn my native language, he sometimes picks up a few words or asks me about a word when I talk to my parents and siblings but I would never demand for him to change especially when it’s super fucking hard to learn a language as an adult! And I should know cause I tried to learn a third language as an adult and failed miserably… plus when you want someone to learn a language you don’t scream in their face like an abusive dick, that usually doesn’t help. I would’ve left at that point!!
He met you as an English speaker and it’s super unfair to suddenly change up the dynamic! OP, your husband knew that you’re a native English speaker and then acted like it’s a surprise and held it against you? And the kids, why can’t he teach them? Kids learn fast and it should be his responsibility not yours since he’s the native speaker and wants them to learn it that badly. What an utter man baby.
I have a feeling that he’s using this whole thing as an excuse for something else and why he suddenly can’t stand you more than usual or talk to you… I’m thinking an affair or his family pitting him against you. But imo it doesn’t even matter cause you can’t stay with someone who says he can’t even stand talking to you. If I’m being honest I question why you even stayed after the screaming…
Um he’s a jerk and if he wanted his kids to speak Spanish he could taught them (one parent, one language). There’s no need to treat you with disrespect.
He sounds like a complete ass. Wants you to learn but gives you hard time while trying to learn. Then blames you for not teaching the kids to speak a language you don’t know? Now he’s mad that he has to speak English at home? Like why did he marry and have kids with you then?
As a dude, I would enslave myself to any woman that will take pity on me. Hell, I am getting up there, even my mom is just praying that happens.
Where do you women find these awful assholes?
I mean you could start learning Spanish but it’s his issue not trying to teach the kids from the start. Sounds a lot like “his problem”.
oh man, i would start recording all of these wonderful outbursts he has about this issue. the custody hearing would be, chef kiss.
He only has himself to blame. He should have been more patient with you learning Spanish, and he should have spoken with his kids in Spanish if he wanted them to speak Spanish. You could have learned alongside your children too.
My partner did the same, although he was worse in that he actually made fun of me while I was trying to learn. So I gave up. Then he got a very demanding job when our oldest just turned two, and worked 6 days a week, coming home only after the kids were in bed at night, so he just wasn’t around enough to talk to the kids much in his language.
I taught the kids my language (English, we live in France) and they have both managed to get much better jobs as bilinguals. I talk in English with them and he feels left out. But he watches TV in English so he does at least understand even if he can’t formulate an answer in English.
I raised the kids practically as a single mother, it’s only normal they speak my language.
At least my partner is mature enough to take criticism about this from the kids (my daughter recently said, in front of his compatriot friends, that she felt it was a great pity he hadn’t taught them his language. One of the friends was a guy with his own business who also worked all hours, and his wife is French and doesn’t speak a word of his language, but he managed to teach his kids, they both speak the language fluently. So his excuse about being at work looked rather flimsy.)
I’m taking a wild guess that he hasn’t done much in the way of childcare if he hasn’t taught his kids to speak Spanish.
I would also bet money that he doesn’t do the dishes. He puts his feet up once he gets home and feels entitled to have everything done for him, right?
Ew he sounds like such a fuckin asshole. He’s so rude and inconsiderate and selfish for all of what you have written.
It’s his responsibility to speak Spanish to his kids, how the fuck are you supposed to teach them? If he wants you to learn he needs to support you through taking extra time for classes if he is going to ridicule and embarrass you when you try to speak.
Honestly he sounds like an idiot and kinda mean. There are surely other things he does that is this level of deflecting immature asshole and imo I would not stick around for someone like that.
>It quickly turned when he would speak full sentences to me in Spanish and expect me to respond and then lash out and make fun of me for “staring blankly” at him. He said that I wouldn’t try but really, I was trying.
So at the very beginning, he was already verbally abusive, belitled you and acted in an aggressive manner for no reason. And then you had 3 kids with him.
Damn. Can’t wrap my head around that decision.
The “speaking English” thing is just an excuse he is using to mistreat you and lash out. He is obviously toxic and abusive. He has been abusive from the very start. What you need to do is to get out of this relationship – if not for yourself, for the kids. They observe mommy being treated like crap by a hostile, scary man every day, and are normalizing this as “this is how relationships look like”. They will seek out partners like this and accept this in their own life.
Why did you marry a man who makes you feel stupid? He is an asshole and emotionally abusive.
It would have been so easy for him to help you learn. Also, he sounds misogynistic as fuck, why didn’t HE AS THE NATIVE SPEAKER teach the children you both SHARE how to speak HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE?
If he wants his children to speak Spanish, then he -as the Spanish speaking parent- has the responsibility of teaching them. If he’s not willing to do that, he doesn’t have the right to be angry about it.
As for not speaking English when he goes ‘home’? That is his PARENTS home. Not his. His home is your house with you and your children. If it bothers him he can’t speak in Spanish there then, again, the responsibility sits on his shoulders to teach you all how to speak Spanish.
For your side of things, I highly recommend Duolingo and listening to Spanish Audio books when you feel as though you’ve got even a small grasp of the language. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you pick it up.
You also need to consider that, if this is a pattern of behaviour for him when he’s angry, this may not be how you want to spend your life. A grown man acting like an angry toddler when he doesn’t get his way is hardly a life-partner worthy of your time.
What exactly does he love about you? What holds this marriage together? If the answer is your effort, work and willingness to suffer, then you need to overthink your whole marriage.
What (recently) has he done to make you feel happy or loved or appreciated?
You husband is a real cunt. Please get some therapy for yourself, you and your children shouldn’t have to put with this. You should also suggest he sees someone but I doubt that will happen.
He sounds like a truly narcissistic asshole. He has treated you horribly and any reasonable person would stop trying if they treated like you were. Doesn’t sound like he’s meant to be a father and a husband. He’s take no responsibility of trying to teach the kids nor you Spanish. I’d consider removing the kids and yourself from him.
That’s literally my dream to stop speaking French to be able to speak English all day long. 🙁
Then he should have married a Spanish speaker. And that’s what you say to him. I’d remind him that he chose me and if he wanted to choose differently he should have.
And honestly you should leave him anyway. He sounds like my grandpa. My mom asked her mom a million times why not leave because he was just mean. Took jabs at her in front of her kid. Took jabs at her in front of their friends. I even found his letters to her during WWII and the Korean War recently where he tells her she’s gotten fat and needed to lose weight six months after she gave birth. It made me want to cry for my grandmother. He never hit her. He was just mean and would make her feel stupid.