My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years in November. We have been living together for 2 and a half years now. When we first started living together it was a struggle as one could imagine, but a lot of my concerns were around the amount of time he spent with his family.
My boyfriend is Hispanic and I am not, and I know that Hispanic cultures value family above most things which I can respect. I personally am not very close to my family and maybe talk to them once a month. What became the issue at first was when he would eat dinner at his parents every night (which I was not invited to), and when his family had a key to our house and came and went as they pleased. I had discussions with him about these things and they slowly improved. His mom and dad only speak Spanish so it has been difficult to build a relationship with them even after 8 years which is sad to me as I know his family is everything to him.
There are still things that he does though that I have a hard time wrapping my head around, and I feel that he thinks I don’t like his family when I bring up my concerns. Truly some of the things make me see him as dependent on his mother and I feel his mother may judge me because I do not “take care” of him as she could. He has her do his laundry and fold it/iron it, goes over for lunch everyday, and she is usually the first stop after work for him.
I work full time (as does he) and so I feel housework should be equal, which I feel he does not often put in the same effort (I ask him for a week and then end up doing it myself). Well, today I saw that his mom (who stays at home) and dad came over to our house to let our dog out (which I very much appreciate their help with!), and she started cleaning. We have a mini blink for our animals that started going off and I saw it. I asked my boyfriend what she was doing and he said he “wasnt going to argue with her.“ when I got home, she had done all of his laundry and then plopped what I had in the dryer on top of the washer next to all of his nicely folded clothing. She also did the dishes and cleaned the floors.
I have mentioned in the past I feel he is dependent on his mother for things I think he should be able to do, and he gets upset with me as he brings up that he bought his own house and a company and xyz. I know some of this is because of the cultural differences which I still struggle to manage and could use advice with if anyone has any
But I also feel like this is an extreme invasion of privacy and It made me uncomfortable despite the nice gesture. It also makes me question her thoughts about me. My boyfriend does not engage in discussion with me when I ask him and so I am at a loss of how to discuss these concerns with him without making him feel like I am attacking his family.
TD;LR; my boyfriend and his family are Hispanic and they are his priority. His mom spent half the day cleaning our house without anyone there and I feel it was an invasion of privacy and am not sure how to talk with my boyfriend about these concerns as I have had many discussions previously and do not want him to think I am attacking his family or values.
How can we deal with these cultural differences? How do I discuss my concerns with him without making it feel like I am attacking his family?
2 comments
At the end of the day regardless of culture either your BF listens to your concerns and you agree on a solutions ( in this case boundaries together) and he address and enforces them with his family or he does not.
You can set very specific boundaries and ask them to communicate and enforce them with HIS family. If he does not take action it’s up to you to decide if you will one day marry him and into his family or not.
I (29F) am Mexican American and Mexican moms will baby their sons to the max no matter what and it’s up to the son to set limits and boundaries.
My MIL didn’t baby my husband and as soon as I realized that I was like I might actually marry this man one day. Before my husband I had never dated Mexican men for fear that they would be mamas boy to the max.
My BIL (26)has been dating this white gurl (24) for 5 years and they live together and we see her 1 times a year at Christmas and she never comes to any family events bc she think my MIL doesn’t respect boundaries and it’s true bc my BIL doesn’t have the same relationship with his mom as my husband does. Their mom still pays BILs phone bill and his utilities so their mom feels entitled to cross some boundaries.
My bestie is a Filipina and has been dating a Mexican man for 10 years and his whole family moved into the house she bought without no one even asking her and she had to wait a whole 15 months for them (living rent free) to move out and get another rental but her BF wasn’t willing to tell them to leave even though they violated her boundaries but just deciding to move in without asking her.
Mexicans are terrible with boundaries and honestly a lot of parents have no hope. This is especially true IF their sons have low emotional intelligence.
It’s sadly likey you will have to settle and accept their behaviors and have a relationship of sorts with them or cut them off completely like my BIL’s white GF. She also doesn’t have a good relationship with her own parents she I think cutting people off is just easier for her.
My ex mother in law is Hispanic and she used to clean our house often without us knowing. We all worked, she did too but not as many hours as us. It was one way that she showed love. 8 years though and you haven’t learned Spanish though is a bit of a concern assuming you want to communicate with your in laws.
I understand that I loved the closeness of her family and even when visiting more relatives out of state and not everyone feels the same way. I accepted that boundaries are not really a thing with them. But 8 years, things aren’t going to change. You can work on better communication with your bf. He can work on things too. But really, you need to decide if you want to be a part of this family or not. I’ve lucked out that even though the marriage didn’t work that I can still say I had a great mother in law. And I can say the same for my current mother in law, who’s polar opposite the first. But they love me and they love their children.