A few weeks ago, one of our children was sick. In the middle of the night, he threw up. He had an elevated temperature so I cleaned him up, gave him some medicine and put him in my bed. In the midst of me doing this, I texted my spouse what was happening. He was out that night.
Eventually he called me to figure out what was happening. I explained but I guess my explanation wasn’t good enough. My husband got angry and began yelling and threatening me. He said things like, “If you’re not up with him when I get there like a doting mother… I am going to strangle you.” And “You better hope the police get there before I do.”
He’s never said things like that so I was very scared. I did end up calling the police. He arrived maybe 15 minutes before they did. He was telling me to open the door and I wouldn’t. So he threatened to break windows. A few minutes later, I did let him in the house. He went to the bedroom and looked our kid sleeping. Then the police knocked.
They separated us and talked to us. And then they left. He went back out and came back later in the morning. He was very apologetic and we have moved forward okay. I think he was just really worried about our son which is what the officer said. I’m telling this story because I want to see if anyone else has had a similar experience. My spouse is not violent. We’ve never had any instances of DV issues. It was just this one night in forever that we know each other…. I called because I was really afraid he might harm me. Today, everything is good. Can anyone relate?
43 comments
I haven’t, but my mom did it at least twice on my dad. He was an alcoholic and his anger would go through the roof. It was scary enough that I don’t really blame her. This was a very long time ago and my dad still struggles with anger, but he’s sober and my mom is in a better place now (edit: mentally that is).
Still, if what happened between you guys had happened to me, I wouldn’t have even thought twice about calling. That’s terrifying and I’m really sorry it happened.
I wouldn’t be able to easily look past that. Conversations and likely therapy would have to happen. That’s just so far from okay, you know?
No absolutely not. We would never threaten each other like that. This is abusive.
That’s insane. Being worried about your kid is like demanding you take him to the ER, not threatening to strangle you.
The police really failed you.
No. Not ever.
They start as threats and then escalate.
No man who loves and cares about a woman threatens to strangle her.
You should at least start saving your own secret money.
Track every time he does this.
No, never.
I sure did on my XH, though.
For good reason.
Our marriage ended when he put a loaded shotgun to my head.
He’s put you on notice that he has a propensity for violence.
Don’t ignore it.
>We’ve never had any instances of DV issues **yet**
FTFY
>“If you’re not up with him when I get there like a doting mother… I am going to strangle you.” And “You better hope the police get there before I do.”
He’s escalating.
That officer was trash.
In no world ever would my spouse make a comment about strangling me or telling me I hope the cops get there before he does.
This incident would be an immediate relationship ender for me.
Never. And this is DV. Please seek help!
Something is very wrong here. You need to start making an exit plan. The next step will be him actually doing it. And the next after that will be him
Killing you.
Please don’t leave your kid without a mom.
Divorced now, but yes.
I think 3 times I called the police over suicide threats, which is really the worst level of manipulation you can inflict on a person.
Your husband threatening to strangle you is *acceptable* because he was “just worried about his son.”
Wow. You’ll be a statistic before you know it.
Being worried about your kid does not equate to threatening your spouse. You were doing everything you could at that moment with a sick child. I sleep next to my kids if theyre throwing up or sick as well to keep an eye on them and be there in the event that they need me. I’m not sure what else he was wanting you to do that would justify threatening your life. This isn’t a situation you should explain away. There’s something wrong with your husband.
If my husband ever threatened me, we’d leave. Abuse is not okay.
Was he drinking? Does alcohol make him violent?
No, and I certainly hope I never have to.
Yes, this is abuse. Mental abuse. You felt threatened. My ex did this many times, shook his fists at me. Ugly words..all of it…then it got physical. I called the police several times, but this was over 20 years ago..perhaps times have changed, but they never did anything either. I divorced him. I would definitely start making an exit plan because that is really unsettling behavior.
>My husband got angry and began yelling and threatening me. He said things like, “If you’re not up with him when I get there like a doting mother… I am going to strangle you.” And “You better hope the police get there before I do.”
>later in the morning. He was very apologetic and we have moved forward okay. I think he was just really worried about our son which is what the officer said.
No.
That wasn’t worry for your son that was, letting the mask slip.
Or he was on some sort of short term effect drug?
But my money is on the mask.
Keep your eyes open and be more observant.
That’s *terrifying* and I’m so sorry. I’ve been in similar situations with my husband where our kids were sick and one or the other of us wasn’t home- that phone call is always collaborative and helpful, not threatening. We’re both worried parents, theres nothing to take out on the other spouse. If my sister or daughter told me their SO said this, I’d be so worried and I’d hope they’d leave because this will escalate.
I’ve also been with someone who threatened me a few times- jokingly, mostly, until one time he took off driving after a disagreement where we were both in the car and threatened to kill us both. He was driving like he was going to crash into a truck or take us off a bridge and I truly believed in that moment that my life was over and everyone would assume we’d just died together in a tragic accident and I’d never own my own dog, finish my degree, get married, etc. I don’t know why but he calmed down, played it off like a joke (I knew it wasn’t that time) and I stayed with him for months after that. If we hadn’t broken up, I guarantee I’d be dead by now.
I’ve been married 20 years and together for 5 more. We have three children and let me tell you we have had our fights, but it’s NEVER OK at any point to threaten or feel scared. This is NOT normal. Of course he apologized, and you moved on, so what happens next time since you just told him, that this behavior is OK. This is how domestic abuse starts. I had a friend who’s husband started like this and it got so bad that she died from his hand. Please don’t let this happen to you.
There is no possible explanation for saying those things that does not stem from something dark and cruel.
Even if it’s somehow not directly indicative of upcoming DV (and it probably is) it’s indicative of very ugly character traits AND a missing guardrail between you and his temper that is supposed to exist permanently.
No, because strangling implies he’s willing to unalive me and my husband would never.
Why shouldn’t he be up with his child like a “doting father”? If he was that worried about your child, he would have taken your child to the emergency room and would have also taken care of him in conjunction with you.
Your spouse may not have previously been violent, but he’s threatening very real violence. This unto itself is violent.
Would someone who truly loves you treat you this way?
A loving husband and father does not behave this way. My husband and I have had ups and downs like any other couple, but neither of us has ever used language threatening violence. This is not a safe situation for you and your children.
No. One time when we lived in an apartment the neighbors called the police on us while we were having an argument. We’re both kind of loud, and he was cleaning at the time so I was kind of following him around the apartment arguing and I guess it sounded bad to them. Initially, I was annoyed that they had called. Particularly because the argument was over and done with. I was relaxing with a snack. It was resolved. But upon reflection, I was grateful that they had called because they had no idea what those noises were, and it was the right thing to do.
To your situation– that’s not okay. That’s horrifying. I’m afraid for you.
Strangulation (or the threat of, in this case) is the number one predictor of homicidal violence. OP, please ensure your safety and the safety of your children.
Get out while you can and hire a lawyer. My daughter made the mistake of ignoring signs of steroid rage: outbursts, arguing, being inconsiderate. One morning he woke up irritable and upset that she and their one year old baby were “making noise”. He shoved her in a closet and then told he she couldn’t leave the home with the baby. Refused to let her leave. She called the cops and he said she hit him. For reference my daughter weighs 90
Lbs. He’s about 250, all muscle. Guess who ended up the cop car for doing absolutely nothing to deserve it? You got it. He asked the cops to arrest her and they accommodated. Do not assume that when things get out of hand you’ll have any protection.
Um, no.
This is hella dangerous. And no matter how worried you are, you don’t threaten to strangle someone randomly. Either you are being a very unreliable narrator and you did not simply text to say “hey our kids is sick, he threw up and I cleaned him up, gave him medicine, and put him to bed. Just wanted you to be aware” and you played a significant role in the escalation you are not disclosing and made him feel worried about your child’s safety in your care (which doesn’t make threatening strangulation okay but might explain why the police responded this way) or your law enforcement absolutely sucks, and you need to ignore their excuses and get an escape plan ASAP.
This is NOT normal. At ALL.
No, I absolutely do not relate at all.
Never has my spouse ever threatened me like this, or made me feel afraid. Idk how the hell you are rationalising and minimising this.
Where was he in the middle of the night?
That’s absolutely insane. If your husband is really apologetic, he needs to of his own volition enroll himself in therapy and agree to create a safety plan. I would stay in, at the very least, separate rooms with a lock for the time being.
Cops are not known for handling DV well. They do not do anything until actual violence has occurred.
This is abuse and likely will escalate. Start saving secretly and have a exit plan for yourself and your kid in a emergency.
The cops failed you like they’ve failed me, and I’m so goddann sorry.
No, I haven’t had to call the cops on my current partner, who has never been an abusive fuck.
But the ones who *were abusive* **STARTED with EXTREMELY CLEAR verbal abuse**.
#Run. Just fucking run.
#You deserve SO MUCH better than this. And IT WILL escalate.
Your impulse to call cops was right on, you did the right thing. But I find it hard to believe this was a complete and total 180 from the person you’ve always known. My spouse may get frustrated or worried about something, but he would NEVER, NEVER threaten me with bodily harm. This came from somewhere. And if he or anyone else mentions Jekyll and Hyde just remember this: Jekyll and Hyde were the same person. Alcohol, if it was a factor, doesn’t change who we are, it highlights it.
He was so worried about his son that he threatened to leave his son without a mother? And father too, assuming that he’s arrested. Yeah, right…
The police failed you. Get a copy of the report. If there is no report, escalate the issue to officer’s superior & demand one.
If your husband never does anything like this ever again, then great, no issue. But if he does escalate to hitting you or trying to kill you (or your kids), you’re going to need all the documentation you can get for custody. Do you want your kids to be with an abuser like that 50% of the time? Remember, you already thought that he’d never threaten you & that you’d never have to call the police on him. You’re already in uncharted territory – proceed on the side of caution.
Leave a copy of the documentation with a trusted friend or family member. Create a Google drive that he cannot access & upload a scan or pic of the report.
Lastly, tell your husband that he needs to enter an abuse intervention program. This issue needs to be stopped before it can escalate further. Call a domestic violence shelter or hotline near you; they should be able to give you local program info.
I know this may sound like a total overreaction. But there are *so many* women who have written off their partners’ actions as justified because they did something to provoke the violence or as only a one-time thing that have gone on to become statistics of abuse, violence, & murder. Please don’t take a chance.
No, my husband has never yelled, cussed or threatened me. Please take care. ❤️❤️
That sounds scary as hell. How are you going to trust that he doesn’t do stuff like that again?
Context please:
Where was your husband when he was ‘out’ in the middle of the night? At work? Partying with friends? Sober or drinking/on drugs? Does he leave you alone all night with the children often? Do you often have arguments involving yelling?
Sis. Your spouse used violence to threaten and terrorise you and it was completely disproportionate and absolutely not justified under any circumstances.
I guarantee you there are other abuse behaviours, you just haven’t recognised them yet. See the link below.
I know this may be hard to hear but strangulation is a marker of domestic homicide risk. Women who have been strangled by their partners are 7 times more likely to be murdered by them. Yes he threatened it and didn’t do it – but what would have happened if the police weren’t there to manage his behaviour? The fact that he’s thought about it, and threatened it is really significant.
There are women’s services who can help you to process this stuff. If you need to leave, they can help you plan to safely leave with the kids and set up elsewhere.
This behaviour reflects values that place you at risk. It isn’t likely to get better. Be safe.
https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/
I have never called the police on my husband, but my husband has never threatened to strangle me, harm me in any way, break windows, or damage property in any way. If he did – which I can’t imagine that he ever would – then I expect I would call the police, just like you did.
“He was just really worried about our son” is not a reason to threaten to strangle you. How on earth would strangling you benefit your son? It would not. The rates of domestic violence perpetrated by police officers are unusually high, and the officer who said that to you sounds like a domestic violence perpetrator himself. Threatening to strangle your spouse is not a normal thing to do. I bet you’ve been really worried about your son plenty of times without ever threatening to strangle your husband. Threatening to strangle your spouse is not the action of someone who’s “just really worried about [their kid]”; it’s the action of an abuser.
I’ve never had to call the police on my spouse and honestly if he said something like “if you don’t do *insert thing that I want you to do* I’ll kill you” I would assume it was a joke. The fact that you were *scared* and felt like it was a threat? That tells me that you see him as a threat to your safety and that you made the right choice in calling the police.
I see that he says he will be giving up drinking and you’ll be doing marriage counselling.. I honestly think it’s important that if you’re going to stay with him he should move out until you’re ready to welcome him back. It would probably help give you a sense of security and a semblance of control over the situation. A way to even the playing field so you’re on equal footing as you go forward trying to fix this.
Unfortunately, yes. I can relate. My ex-husband was always extremely apologetic after he behaved badly.
For weeks or months afterwards, there would be no hint of mistreatment. Everything would go back to normal. If anything, his demeanor was even more loving than usual. He would fervently express gratitude for me and our relationship.
When he escalated to violence, his “remorse” intensified too. He would cry, call himself a piece of shit, and beg for forgiveness. He begged for my help with his mental health problems. He signed up for individual therapy, rehab, and anger management. He attended all programs faithfully.
Not a single one of those things made the slightest difference. In fact, in many ways, he seemed to get worse. His abuse peaked while he had a whole team of mental health professionals “helping” him.
I’m saying all this because it’s important to understand that therapists aren’t’ trained to deal with abuse. Rehab counselors, anger management coaches- none of these people are trained to deal with the dynamics of abuse. Couples therapy is not recommended when abuse is involved. Individual therapy is unlikely to make a difference.
I strongly recommend you reach out to a nonprofit that advocates for survivors of domestic violence. Just to talk or maybe get some information. The hotline is a good resource. You can call or chat anonymously.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book that discusses mistreatment in relationships and you can get a free PDF online.
Keep your eyes and ears open. Document any further incidents. Think about stashing some money away in an emergency fund just in case things escalate quickly.
You don’t have to decide what to do today but knowledge really is power. Start educating yourself about the dynamics of abuse. Don’t let him lull you into a feeling of normalcy. What he did is NOT normal. You should be on red alert and taking steps to protect yourself.
Yes. It’s so difficult. 😞 I’m sorry mama. Violence always escalates look at the statistics and all the research out there. I hope you and your children are safe. Please reach out to family and especially let your in-laws know what their son is up to.. and definitely update your parents so that they can help you with an exit when you need it.
If you happen to be close with any of his close friends, I would say reach out to them and let them know what happened and ask them if they can help you talk to him about it and how it’s affecting you .
I left my husband because I couldn’t deal with this kind of thing from him anymore . They are master gaslight and manipulators. You did everything right. Stay strong in what you’ve done. And again, please stay safe.
He’s so worried he said he would kill you. No that’s not normal. Ever.
> My spouse is not violent
is inaccurate “Has never been violent prior to this” because that night was absolutely a LOT of violence.
No, this is not normal. No, this is not okay. No, you are not safe.
Do non violent people often tell you that they’ll strangle you and break the windows if you don’t obey them?
Ma’am, you’re in denial but I am so glad you called the police preemptively even though they did nothing.
Take this behavior seriously. It won’t be the last time. Threats are the start.