I, 24F, met this guy on bumble, 28M, and hit if off really well. We have had 4 dates in total and i really enjoyed his company and genuinely liked someone after a long period of time. I usually have a hard time liking someone so soon and i was pleasantly surprised how I could go hours talking to him and not want to stop. He seemed very interested in me and my life at first until we finally slept together before he went off on vacation for 2 weeks. Throughout the time he was on vacation we would text everyday, but the conversations would always turn sexual. I kept mentioning that i would like this to go somewhere and not just be a casual thing to which he responded as ‘i know you have said this before’.
The conversations/ texts we have now are once a week and very sexual. He only engages in a conversation when it has something to do with us sleeping together and drops it when i try to ask him questions about him/his life. He weirdly also seems to view all the stories i post (even if there are 10 of them). Recently, he commented on my story and i asked him to come join me for a free workout session. He asked me when i was free next week. After that he has not initiated in any texts over the past 4 days.I understand this means that he is not interested in me as a person or probably has another person he is interested in and keeping me as an option. His lack of efforts is a big turnoff and I am done trying to entertain him, however this whole thing has really taken a toll on my mental health.
I have this crushing feeling that i will never be able to find someone I love. Everyone says that people nowadays have a lot of options and that i should do the same, but i am exhausted. I just want to find my person already, someone i can grow old with and have kids. I hate how people can just move from one person to the other or have multiple people they are interested in. It seems like people can go months of being together and having an emotional connection to becoming strangers the next day because they seem to be wanting more. How do i filter out someone who is genuine from the start? Why has dating become so difficult to navigate these days?
35 comments
I just got done discussing this and I would say there are several factors. The biggest is the nature of dating culture these days. There have always been disingenuous guys, but the metrics of many of rhe apps that I’ve heard about has told an interesting story. I have also heard but not verified that something like 90% of successful relationships these days comes from friends or friends sort of things. This still leaves the apps to fall somewhere in the 10% if so but isn’t a pretty picture.
So in essence you got the supermajority of women connecting with the minority of men who are in the upper tiers of attractiveness and of them most have a lot of women who are interested in them. Many ‘play the field’ and then settle down or just want to ‘have fun’ and will do what gives them the best results. This seems to lead most men and women using the apps to feel ignore, objectified, decided, used and abused. This seems to lead to despair and attachment avoidance which furthers the cycle when they find someone who may otherwise be a good match but are now rather wary at best on a deep level.
It is absurd to me that a high functioning autistic man in his 30s who hasn’t really sought our many relationships has had more and more successful relationships than seemingly most of humanity under 40.
Why was the viewing stories part weird? I’m just asking because I don’t understand.
I would definitely block him babes
>Everyone says that people nowadays have a lot of options
Women and very attractive men have a lot of options on dating apps.
>How do i filter out someone who is genuine from the start?
Don’t use dating apps. Meet people in real life who are friends of friends.
>Why has dating become so difficult to navigate these days?
Women have a lot of options and men are resentful of it.
Dating *isn’t* harder. It’s always sucked.
We just have to date more often because back then people just stuck out terrible relationships.
No i believe you are completely wrong in your assumption that he has no interest, to me this sounds like, he is hiding his interest behind the sex pay wall. He fullfills your criterias and standards, and he knows it, you don’t fullfill his criterias, men have their standards and desires too.
You want him to care about you and to share your information and be interested, and he wants you to trust him and have sex with him. If you don’t fullfill him eventually it will break apart or he will look for someone else that does, but if you can do your part, just as he is supposed (you want him) to do his part, then it can actually work. It’s either a loosing game for everyone or mutual risk and respect.
Thats how i interpret his actions. He doesn’t need you, he wants you. If he wasn’t interested in having sex with you, then he wasn’t interested in you as a romantically involved partner aswell. So him wanting sex is not a entirely bad thing.
To your last question why has dating become so difficult nowadays sum it up in 1Word: Feminism.
The illusion that men and women are the same when they are not. Ofc equal rights by law is desirable. But everything else is not. It opened a lot of people eyes on not to sell themselves short.
I don’t know how to drive, and that is what’s keeping me from approaching women… however, seeing all of these posts from women with bad experiences from men I might as well put my hat back in the ring. Haha
Nowadays? Was it easier for you before? You’re 24 so I’m thinking you don’t have much experience of how dating was before.
I’ll give you a clue. People changing their minds or losing interest after a couple of dates is not new.
If you by “someone serious “ mean a man who would never change his mind or alter his opinion of you , all I can say is good luck.
Just be yourself and keep the his attention. As men we can be very unfocus due to our careers, goals, and wondering minds. Also I would suggest dating men that are a older.
What do you mean these days? You mean as an adult?
I don’t think you have a long enough time frame at 24 to say dating has changed much as an adult
Op you are not alone in your feeling of despair towards dating and relationships in general but I think some mistakes you made with this guy are; allowing everyday chats signal intimacy on his part, not being clear about your expectations from the beginning and particularly having sex before commitment. I believe women would be better at weeding out the wrong men from our lives if we start taking responsibility for our actions. You cannot control others but you can control yourself and my advice in this situation is to cut him loose and start over with someone else after you have done the internal work to move on and heal.
There’s way too many options out there.
Also, our culture is way more individualistic than it used to be like 70 years ago. People are no longer used to living in close knitted communities with little communication to other communities.
We are told that we can have it all. So if you believe the world is your oyster and everything is for the taking, it’s hard to get people to stay committed if they believe their perfect treasure might be around the next corner.
I would recommend moving on and just blocking him. If he’s already doing shit that you don’t like it’s already a red flag and esp if he’s like 28 years old. He knows what he’s doing.
I feel so bad for you🥺
Oh God I have the same experience, and it never really ended well for me. It seemed no matter what I tried I was not enough, and that leaves you feeling a little bit broken. It was very hard for me to meet anyone outside dating apps, as someone in 30s working online and being introverted. I have limited options.
It was never hard to find a hook up, that was basically behaving the same way as you are describing, giving me attention and great time but very limited and very sex related without other interest in my private life, or just scratching my private life by surface, just enough to get me hooked.
That is not really healthy in the long run, they give you attention but not care. Without care any kind of relationship is doomed, or you end up being used and unfulfilled.
Sure dating is hard, but as someone who had their heart broken a few times, every piece of it was a valuable lesson, just take your pieces and carry them proudly. Someone out there is going to stitch them all.
say it up front and do not have sex until commitment.
The apps are the reason it seems harder. It’s never been easy, but apps take the worst of it, blend it up and then hand you a product. If you want success, stop using the apps.
Congrats, you have learned about why people suggest refraining from sex without commitment
Sounds to me like you require alot of attention and have issues. If people agree to meet that’s usually enough. Also you are expecting to find the perfect person like right away and you gotta keep searching for it. You do sound well intended and i do hope you find what you are looking for. Dating gets better when you hit 30
Dating apps have made things worse
Ghosting, situationships, etc. have left most people scarred and scared of being hurt.
There’s no “script” anymore of how men and women are able to interact with each other
It’s become more difficult to induct someone into your world. People are too busy w/ work, hobbies, etc.
People are way more selfish than they used to be.
People also don’t stick around anymore. One little speed bump and the relationship is over.
In my 20’s and early 30’s I had dating prospects constantly. My relationships would last years at a time.
Now if I sneeze the wrong way women leave me before 3 months and they start using apps again
If you want to be seen as having value, make yourself only partly available. Don’t always answer texts or phone calls. Don’t say you want it to go somewhere. Act happy and busy on your own. This is not playing a game. It’s setting boundaries.
Anybody who can’t hold a conversation without mentioning sex is someone who just wants to smash and go. If you’re not into that, drop him immediately! I ghost mfs who do that shit or dry text at light speed lol, do not fuss over the likes of him, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
Everyone is emotionally unavailable these days. It’s sad
That’s really annoying and shit
There are millions of good guys out there. Keep working on yourself and don’t waste time on people like this. So many men are looking for someone like you!
I’m sorry this happened and I totally empathize w how discouraging this can be. First off: try to keep perspective here. This was 1 guy and he’s showing his true colors early which saves you time. I know there are many other guys on apps who act this way too; however, not all of them will treat you like an option. One bad experience doesn’t mean you’ll never find love.
What’s helped me (and friends) in dating is to slow things down. While it might seem nice and feel good to have someone chatting w you for hours or wanting to see a lot of you in the early stages, it can also be a potential red flag. Think of a relationship as a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to know each other and to really feel invested in someone. If someone just wants sex, they’ll get bored real quick of moving slow. In saying this, I’m not advocating for not having sex until you’re exclusive or anything like that—that’s your call and you should have/enjoy sex w someone when you feel ready—just saying that it can help to gradually get to know someone rather than connecting intensely/quickly at the start.
Well, sorry to inform you, but he’s already consistently told you all that he wants from you. Don’t indulge his ego, and block him. As for your frustrations, I’d suggest taking a mental break from the dating apps, maybe seek our guys who are real and currently engage in activities you both enjoy doing.
Because everyone wants the best and nobody wants to settle in case they miss out on a better option 💁🏻♂️
I have dated on and off the apps and where you meet doesn’t matter. You will catch those types anywhere.
I would suggest no sex at first. This is the easiest way to weed out these guys and protect your body and feelings. You don’t have to demand a commitment or wait until marriage or anything like that. 4 dates is way too soon to truly know someone’s character. If he brings it up or makes a move, just say, “I hope it gets to that stage, but I need to get to know you first.” This always works for me. Say it nicely and if he’s after sex only, one of two things will happen. 1. He will ghost or fade immediately. 2. He will pretend all is well but the energy will change over the next 24 hours and then he will break things off saying “we’re not compatible, I’m not feeling it etc.” he will try to blame you (something unrelated to sex) but always just say, “ok thank you for telling me.” It hurts when they do this but it hurts a lot more when they do it after you slept with them!
The good ones won’t even put sexual pressure on you in the first place. Best of luck!
Just move on.. remember..it’s a woman’s world out there
You can’t filter out someone who is genuine from the start. This stuff takes time. Guys want sex with as little time investment as possible, women want commitment with as little sex as possible. Make guys wait for sex, don’t talk about sex, basically all that shit your grandma told you, or maybe in your case great grandma, if you even knew her by your generation, and you can either listen to it or fuck around thinking you know better and find out.
Dating nowadays is a total crapshoot. Don’t beat yourself up though. You did nothing wrong. This guy clearly wasn’t looking for anything serious. Just gotta keep putting yourself out there until you find someone who appreciates you. Your person is out there!
Sounds like you just have bad taste. Sorry.
Does no one do tldr’s anymore?