Dating as a 30F: keeps getting ghosted? Why?

15 comments

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2. There is way more than can be answered about this post without a lot more detail. The kind of guys you’re going to be in the pool to attract will depend on a lot of things about yourself – there’s no sugar coating it, if you aren’t attractive, then the pool of the standard of guys you’re going to have the option of dating is going to be significantly lower.

   Guys standards for women are *significantly* lower than womens standards for guys – so if as a woman you’re having trouble finding guys to date, then I would suggest that either your filter for whom you’re aiming to try to date is way too high for how you present (because let’s face it, that’s what most of online dating is), or at least your general demographics. Hell, you’ll be lucky if half the guys who swipe on you on online profiles even read your profile, much less care about things that might be dealbreakers to others.

   > I have a hard time getting dates in general and when I do, the men show up in clothes they looked like they slept in. I’m not saying come in a suit and tie but at least clean jeans and a clean shirt.

   See, this is a very basic minimum standard, so if the guys you’re picking don’t even do this, it tells me something either about your choices, or the choices you have available.

   > I have been seeing a lot of posts online about how men don’t want to date women in their 30s or older because of one thing or another and I know logically that is not true for every man in the world.

   This is mostly BS you’ll find common from women in dating subs or women-centric subs. It comes hand in hand with “whaaaaaa why can’t I find a decent guy” and then it turns out they’re only willing to date the guys with a particular career, with a perfectly square jaw, who are taller than a certain height, who are jacked, etc etc – criteria which narrow the field to not only a tiny percentage, but the percentage who have tons of options.

   > Why do men ghost? I think that is my question. And how do you meet single men??

   For a myriad of reasons. Sometimes it’s childishness. Sometimes you’ve said something that’s freaked them the hell out and you haven’t had the self-awareness to consider how that might come off to others. I’ve had women who went on and on and on about an ex on the first date and thought nothing of it and didn’t think for a moment that might be off-putting.

   As for meeting single men? Holy hell that’s a simple problem. Meeting the single guys *that you actually are attracted to* – especially when criteria are high – now that’s another question altogether.

3. Being ghosted after meeting online points to either your picture or your representation of your personality online doesn’t match reality.

   The not wanting to date a 30yo isn’t real. Online skews younger, and more trollish than the general population. Personally, the only time I wouldn’t date a 30-something is now, and that’s because I’m married.

4. People get ghosted for a million reasons. I’d only focus on the ones you can control, like your appearance and behaviour. See if you can spot a pattern in your actions or maybe in the type of men who do ghost you. There could be no one reason, and you’ve just been unlucky with timing, etc, but just in case, focus on the things you can directly change and see if anything changes.

5. Online dating is a shitshow.

   It incentivizes a lot of terrible behiavour.

   Also, go easy on yourself, you’re on a learning curve.

   ​

   On the age thing, yeah, some men absolutely have this mindset about age. It’s not a very realistic mindset though, so it is only some. There should be plenty of men your age and older who are happy to date someone who’s 30.

   ​

   Can you give us an anecdote of a date where you got ghosted?

   Like… what happened before?

   Who are you going on dates with?

   How old were they? What did their profile say they wanted?

6. Maybe the men thinks that you are weird when meeting for the first time.

7. This is the eternal question, in both directions, in the day and age of dating apps it seems. I, personally, totally gave up on the swipe apps. They’re atrocious. If it happens organically, that’s the only way I’ll ever meet anyone. I haven’t had any luck in 5+ years, not even a date, but that’s still way way better than the nightmare those dating apps are. By leagues. I prefer it.

   There are probably a dozen different things going on with a dozen different men on those things. You’ll probably run into two broad categories of dudes though. There’s the ones that take it semi-serious (Yo, when I was doing it), and then there’s the dudes that basically right swipe everything and see what falls out. If you’re landing on the right swipers, they’ve probably got 2-3 other matches they’re engaged with and just aren’t going to engage with you. If you were their only option, and they check your profile and are interested, they’ll engage. Chances are most don’t even know your profile until they match with you. Hence the “ghosting”. They’re not gaging if they want to chat until they match, and some probably just aren’t a match so move on. It’s such an ephemeral way to date that reduces people to mere commodities on a shelf, I feel. People aren’t people on those shitty applications. The humanity, the empathy, the understanding that it’s an actual real, feeling, loving, self conscious person on the other end simply looking for human connection feels entirely removed from the whole experience.

   The dudes that are taking it serious, you’ll probably have interactions with. There’s a lot of data out there about what goes on, on the male side of these things vs the female, and within those overall trends, some small categories of divergent activity. All this is simply to say, who really knows if your experiences land in one of those two broad over views? Probably, honestly, you’re matching dudes just right swiping everything, and they’re waiting to see who they match with to see who they’re interested in talking to. If they see no one in their matches from their right swipe fest, many probably aren’t even concerned about it because a handful of new potential matches are just a series of aggressive thumb flicks away.

   I hate the entire premise of it. It’s such an awful way to approach compatibility. I truly suggest dropping the dating apps entirely and finding cool shit you enjoy doing with other people and going and doing it. You’re far more likely to meet someone truly worth your time and energy that way, even if the periods between with no dating are longer.

   Edit – spelling stuffs

   Edit 2 – As far as meeting single men, put yourself where they may be. What do men do in their free time? Me? I’m usually at the gym. At a coffee shop reading where I’ll periodically put the book down and daydream out the window (this would be a killer moment for anyone to approach and strike up conversation. Has yet to happen. Just ask me about the book I’m reading. It’s an easy conversation starter. Seriously. I’ll talk to anyone about any book I’m nose deep in). At that same shop perhaps working some problems for work, taking breaks on occasion (the breaks, again, are great moments for someone to approach). Out to dinner with a friend in a downtown type area, just to put myself where people are, followed by a beer or two after. At some music lessons. At one of the numerous meetups I take part in, all rather socially geared, like board game groups, D&D (this one is a treasure trove of single guys. And no, we don’t all fit the basement nerd stereotype), simple coffee and chat social sessions. Or, really, at work. Any one of those places I wouldn’t mind, if I’m obviously not busy (even busy I don’t think I’d mind), a random person striking up conversation. Just say high to guys while out and about. Look their way and smile. If they’re interested in engaging, they’ll engage. Just make eye contact, smile, and wave. It doesn’t even have to be flirty. Just a simple human “hello! Just wanted to bring a smile to your day” type interaction. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. If a woman ever did that to me, I’d say hello right back, and let the conversation evolve from there. Give yourself a challenge to once a day, make eye contact with a guy and smile. I think you’ll find a ton of dudes starved for any kind of social connection.

   As to why I don’t do that ‘smile and wave’? Well, again, it’s my own perception of “the dating app” era. I assume that at least a portion of women out there simply want to enjoy their alone time without bother. I see that sentiment expressed enough that I respect everyone’s desire to simply have time to themselves. Some seem even less interested in being approached at random because, for them, the dating apps are for dating. Activities and errands are for that. There’s no way for me to tell who’s who though so I simply assume all women out there are going about their business, and would like to do so unmolested. It’s going to be on a woman signaling that she’s open to being approached for me to approach. Otherwise, I’ll simply respect her perceived desire to do whatever it is she’s doing in peace.

   On this note, there is an interesting social type experiment going on in the UK I just read this morning. That perception that women are even less open to being approached in public is so strong these days, due to dating apps, that one company has started selling a ring that you wear to signal you are open to being approached. I hadn’t heard about it until today, but I think it’s a wonderful idea. It’s not dissimilar to some other cultural ideas, like the flower in the hair on the right or left that signals your availability. I’d like to see it gain traction. The pear ring? I think? I’ll have to poke around but will leave an edit here if I find it again.

   Yep, here it is: https://pearring.co/en-us

   I think I might actually buy one.

   There. Done. If you see that atrocious color on someone’s finger, it means they’re totally open to being approached.

8. 30 years old, I’m assuming no kids, working. A lot of men would be interested in a woman like that.

   Why are you getting ghosted? Who knows. Society is just rude. If you had to guess, why would you think this is happening?

   Meeting men I am not sure about. I am a male, married 35+ years so I have no idea how that works. Maybe at work or networking with friends. Hanging out with a friend group and meeting that way. I know a few who have been looking and found men at church.

   I wish you the best.

9. Best way to meet single men is probably co-ed sports leagues. I play kickball, and it’s very easy to meet men for the ladies who play. Each team has a minimum of 7 guys and 4 women in the field.

   I’d imagine they either:

   A. Find you boring or unattractive and don’t want to have the awkward “I’m not really that into you” talk.

   B: Unsure of what they want or have some other woman they are fixated on.

10. OP deleted their account here, guys. Don’t expect a reply.

    We got ghosted. Ironic.

11. > And how do you meet single men??

    Are you on [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) ? I’m not dating, but if I was I’d have a ton of options because of all the people I’ve met there. Sign up for some groups that interest you and you think will be attended by the types of guys you’re looking for.

12. You ghosted us!

13. >I have been seeing a lot of posts online about how men don’t want to date women in their 30s or older because of one thing or another and I know logically that is not true for every man in the world.

    Well, this is certainly not true. I, for one, wouldn’t even consider a woman below 30. I hate games, drama and dealing with someone who want the life of a Disney Princess. Maybe that comes from the usual Jocks lots of women seem to be attracted to.

    I also suspect that women in their 20’s are used to horny guys what will do anything to get laid. As we grow older, some (most?) have less of an urge to get laid, and aren’t willing to bend over backwards for a slim chance of it. When I was younger, I had do do EVERYTHING to get a girlfriend. Now, I have a career and money, it feels I hold the cards and I get to be way more selective. I’d rather spend my hard earned money on my racecar than get scammed paying for a dinner for someone not worth my time.

    ​

    >Why do men ghost?

    For the same reasons women do. Probably had a “more interesting” option, changed their mind, or didn’t like you.

    ​

    >And how do you meet single men??

    Sure, dating apps might work, but men are mostly subject oriented, not people oriented like women are. You will never see me at the bar, but you will see me at the racetrack or at the gun range. Some might be hiking, or playing some sports.

14. Online dating is a scourge. It’s not designed to help you find anyone compatible. It’s designed to keep you engaged and in the app.

    Find a hobby or interest, find meetups for said hobby or interest, mingle with people there. Your odds of finding someone you click with will be much higher.

15. Pretty ironic OP ghosted her own post about ghosting