I am 26 yo and this is not my first relationship. I have had 2 serious girlfriends before her and both relationships lasted around 2.5-3 years. I have also had some less serious ones so I would not really say that I need to try things out.
All of my girlfriends were pretty alike, not so much physicaly maybe, but by the way of thinking and their characteristics.I dont want to compare them, and I have really gotten over exes. I just want to make it easier for you to understand. I love my current girflriend, she is hot, smart, funny, has a great job and wants to have a life with me. And so do I with her, probably.
When we started dating the sex was amazing, i was very much attracted to her and we were active several times a day, which is, I know normal because we were in a stage where we were “in love”. The same thing happened with every other girl I dated. In the beggining the sex was otw and after a year and a half aprox. I start losing interes. My sex drive gets lower when I am around my GF, however when I just think about other girls I go crazy. Even the girls that are way less atractive than my GF. I cheated on both of my previous GFs but I was younger and didnt really understand what it could do to a girl. I dont want to repeat it bcs i learned from my mistakes and I respect her too much. But sex just gets boring and I dont know why. I dont feel the attraction and I mostly dont have the urge to be sexual, eventhough I really enjoy sex and I consider it a big part of my life. And than I just have sex bcs I dont want things to go wrong or start falling apart. This feeling keeps following me, whichever girl I date and wherever I go.
I would really find a solution to this problem, because I believe that you can not have a healthy relationship if you dont enjoy intercourse with your partner. I know that I am the problem and not the girls I am dating(thats why I made a comparison with exes) but I dont know where is the source of this problem, nor I see the path to fixing it. I just want someone to point me at some direction. I am prepared to do whatever it takes, I want to have a life with her and I am willing to take actions. Maybe I just want to feel like i am not alone. Did anyone experience the same problems?
TLDR: I lose attraction to every gf I date after some time, has anyone had the same problem?
25 comments
So, you’re dating people who are similar, similar patterns, and you’re expecting it to change?
Do you think maybe you’re just putting yourself into situations you’re comfortable with instead of going slightly out of your comfort zone to challenge normalcy?
1-1.5 years is “the wall”, it’s when the initial infatuation phase runs out of gas….for just about every relationship. So, that timing lines up.
There’s a book worth reading called “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. It explains well the struggle of “excitement vs comfort”.
I’m guessing….and maybe generalizing because your a guy and I am too….but, try communicating outside of your comfort zone. Be more open and vulnerable about your feelings and concerns. Talk about your needs, sexual stuff, but beyond sexual too because sex isn’t always about sex, sometimes it’s about fears and ego and that needs to be gazed upon internally to be understood.
You can only ever change YOU, so most of the work for the “cure” needs to involve you excavating where that emptiness (or feeling of incompleteness) underneath the sex is coming from.
Is it because you get comfortable and used to them so the relationship and sex loses it’s novelty and is no longing fresh and exciting? This can cause you to stray aswell and seek out other people because new people are new and refreshing. The sex is getting boring because you’re having the same sex you’ve had for a long period of time. Try to change things up in the relationship and in sex. Are there things either of you haven’t tried but are open to trying? Sex in a new location? Different role play scenarios? Exploring new kinks and fantasies? Try to bring back some novelty and introduce some changes. Variety and change can help reignite the spark and bring back excitement. Even changes and new experiences outside of sex like traveling to a new place together or taking up a fun new activity together might reignite your interest in her and influence your interest in sex.
Do you know what you want in bed? How much of a domme or a sub are you? In what ways do you like to dominate/be dominated? What gets you going? Do you enjoy being with someone you geniuinely know?
As time passes in a relationship, the projected image fades and you’re left with that which is. From that point on it’s your job to figure out what you want. Time to reflect on yourself and what your desires are. This requires a ton of communication and the utter absence of judging one another. Just try and understand. If you don’t wanna do something they suggest – fine but don’t judge.
Open up to each other and see where it goes. Allow some awkwardness first. It will get much better.
Yeah to be honest it sounds like you’re into the chase..and so relationships become stale. That’s a hard pattern to break out of but taking some time outside a relationship is likely what you need to reset and have a fresh perspective.
Try new things in the bedroom to spice it up
it would seem the chase is what turns you on, I would say go for a different type but as you say you want to make it work. try something new in the bedroom, speak to your GF about trying role play. don’t want to be mean but this is definitely a you problem you need to try get over, every relationship goes through a phase of having little sex and its normal.
What are the changes you even want to make? You’re a serial cheater going after other cheaters. If it’s about respect, stop doing that first.
Stop dating, be outside of a relationship for awhile, and get therapy.
Try therapy. You’re a serial cheater, have commitment and communication issues, and aren’t in touch with your sexuality. You could do with being alone for a while and figuring yourself out, whilst not hurting other people.
This is NOT an attraction issue or a sex issue– it’s a mental issue. Try therapy.
I used to have a similar issue (minus the cheating part) with getting bored after the infatuation ends and moving on to the next quickly. What helped me is being single for about a year and figuring out what I want and avoided dating until I was emotionally available.
Now I’m in a relationship that has been going past 2 years now and it’s not so bad to stick around past the “boring” stage.
Maybe it’s not time for you to settle down? Sounds like you just gotta go out and explore your sexuality without the restriction of a relationship. Get it all out of your system so by the time you do decide to settle down, you won’t have the “what ifs” and feel unsatisfied. You’re still young!
You might have ADHD.
The problem is internal and it’s good that you realize it. In my opinion you need to first check if the cause could be in the present or is it only in the past. What I mean is, firstly check if there’re maybe somethings in the relationship that bother you which you suppress. If you have the tendency to suppress what is troubling you or simply not talk about the issues with your partner it could definitely be damaging to each relationship you’ve been in, and effect the sex drive.
If this is not the issue, you’ll need to firstly understand with yourself what you’re feeling before you understand “why”. You know that you’re feeling bored of the sex, but is it only this? How do you feel about the relationship itself? How much fun are you having when you two of you hang out? How much do you appreciate her personality traits?
A different woman that you might be attracted to, how does she makes you feel? Why does she makes you feel that way?
Your attraction to other women answer some unmet, psychological, desire of yours. You need to find it to resolve that problem. If the self questions I suggested don’t bring you no where, see a professional. I’m optimistic that this can be resolved easily.
Two things: you need to learn to relate better. Vulnerable communication takes things to the next level. Second, there’s a transition in sex, and if you can move from hot seed into intimate sex, you can keep the magic. Try D/s play, or Tantra, to help with the transition
I think you need professional help.
I believe that sex is just a bonus to a relationship, it won’t be always perfect and it will have it’s downfalls so you will need to learn how to go through them IF a realtionship is what you truly want. To be honest I don’t feel like a relationship is what you truly need. I guess sex is more important than a relationship itself and that’s okay, but that means you should not commit to a person or at least explain them before entering relationship. I believe you could benefit from polygamy or you need to understand that relationships are not about sex, it’s about intimacy and these are two absolutely different things. So if you don’t need intimacy, then probably just having a sex partner would be more suitable for you than being in a relationship.
Simple solution, if both partners are ok with it: Open up the relationship.
This sounds like an avoidant attachment style.
After reading all your replies, I get the sense that you get satisfaction from “winning” the person as well as taking them from another/deceiving your partner. Maybe you are feeling this way with your new partner because there is nothing to win. It would also explain why you are feeling extreme attraction to other women. Try to evaluate these patterns and see where it takes you.
Stop watching porn and cut back on jacking off.
It’s called the honeymoon period, and it’s incredible.
However, the honeymoon period is more geared towards attraction, excitement, & exploring.
If you take the time to really get to know someone it can evolve beyond this point. You care just as much about the soul of the person as you do the body.
above reddit paygrade. Have you considered therapy? The pattern may be some sort of clue that you need a professional.
Try therapy.
Maybe you should think about things other than sex? Don’t get me wrong, I also believe enjoying intercourse with your partner is a very important part of a relationship. I’m one of those ppl that believes in having sex every day tbh. But do you like anything else about the girl? She’s hot, smart, funny…. anything else? There’s a lot of girls like that. The way you describe it it seems you like her a lot but maybe not enough. In my experience the more you feel emotionally for that person, the better the sex usually is. So maybe it’s time to move on and find someone you like more as a person or even love. Then you might not get tired of her, you’ll only ever want more.
You need professional help to sort through this pattern. It isn’t an issue of attraction based upon what you’ve written. Are you self sabotaging when things get too real? Work through this before traumatizing more partners with infidelity.